Read the 10 to-do instructions and then scroll for the answer - NO CHEATING!
- Boy: Since we met, I can't eat or drink...
- Girl: Why not ??
- Boy: I'm broke.
- Boy: May I hold your hand??
- Girl: No thanks, it isn't heavy.
- Girl: Who was that girl I saw you kissing last night??
- Boy: What time was it??
- Girl: Say you love me! Say you love me!
- Boy: You love me...
- Girl: If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
NEWS FLASH - GOD ANNOUNCES THE 11TH COMMANDMENT!
During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.
They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.
After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:
- Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff.
A woman walks into a veterinarian's waiting room dragging a wet rabbit on a leash. The rabbit obviously does not want to be there.
- Sit, Fluffy! - she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
- I said sit, now there's a good Fluffy - says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the room and urinates. The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts:
- Darn it, Fluffy, will you be good?!
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and pursues it out of the office. As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:
A lion woke up one morning feeling really rowdy and mean. He went out and cornered a small monkey and roared:
- Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?
The trembling monkey says:
- You are, mighty lion!
Later, the lion confronts a ox and fiercely bellows:
- Who is the mightiest of all jungle animals?
The terrified ox stammers:
- Oh great lion, you are the mightiest animal in the jungle!
On a roll now, the lion swaggers up to an elephant and roars:
- Who is mightiest of all jungle animals?
Before heading south for a vacation, it may be a good idea to learn the language of our southern brothers and sisters. And we're here to help...
Hah Tu Spek Suthun:
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage:
- My brother bard my pickup truck.
JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage:
- My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck.
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage:
Mike's grandfather clock suddenly stops working right one day, so he loads it into his van and takes it to a clock repair shop. In the shop is a little old man who insists he is Swiss, and has a heavy German accent.
He asks Mike:
- Vat sims to be ze problem?
Mike says:
- I'm not sure, but it doesn't go 'tick-tock-tick-tock' anymore.
- Now it just goes 'tick...tick...tick.'
The old man says:
- Mmm-Hm!
and steps behind the counter, where he rummages around a bit. He emerges with a huge flashlight and walks over the grandfather clock.
He turns the flashlight on, and shines it directly into the clocks face.
The Hunchback of Notre Dame croaks so they need to find a new bell-ringer.
A guy with no arms comes along and says he can do it.
- But you've got no arms... you can't do this job! - says the church leader.
The new applicant shouts back:
- Sure I can... I'll do it with my mouth!
So the church hires him and he starts his bell-ringing duties the next day.
He begins ringing the bell using only his mouth, but the bell is so heavy, it tosses him out the window to the ground and splatters him dead.
He's lying dead on the ground and a big crowd gathers around him.
- Who is that guy? - one person says.
- I don't know - says another.
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.
He says to the clerk:
- I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle.
- OK - says the clerk.
- What do you call it?
- A fottle - replies the inventor.
- A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else?
- I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton.
- And what do you call that? - asks the clerk.
- A farton - replies the inventor.
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.
The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.
The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
- What's wrong with your turtle?
- Not a thing - the man responds.
- this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!
- Not a chance! - replies the barkeep.
- Okay then - says the guy...
- you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.
So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.
A Chinese man arranges for a hooker to come to his room for the evening. Once in the room they undress, climb into bed, and go at it.
When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and commences to repeat the performance.
The hooker is impressed with the gusto of the second encounter. When finished, the Chinese man jumps up, runs over to the window, takes a deep breath, dives under the bed, climbs out the other side, jumps back into bed with the hooker and starts again.
The hooker is amazed as this sequence is repeated four times. During the fifth encore, she decides to try…
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini:
- I want to feel your breasts - he exclaimed.
- Get away from me, you crazy old man - she replied.
- I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars - he says.
- Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!
- I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS - he stated.
- NO! Get away from me!
- TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS - he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said:
- I said NO!
Twas the night before Payback...
'Twas the night before Payback and all through the land,
The Taliban are running like rabbits in Afghanistan.
Osama's been praying, he's down on his knees,
He's hoping that Allah will hear all his pleas.
He thought if he killed us that we'd fall and shatter,
But all that he's done is just make us madder.
We haven't yet forgotten our Marines in Beirut,
And we'll kick your ass, with one heavy boot.
And yes we remember the USS Cole,
One day O'Leary decided to visit his friend Paddy and ask him for a favour.
- Paddy my friend - he said.
- I'm going on holiday for a few weeks an I wanted to know if you could come around a couple a times a day to check up on me elderly ma, an feed me cat.
- No problem - replied Paddy.
- You go an have a good time.
So the next day O'Leary left and headed for sunny Florida. However, after a week of him being there, he received a phone call from Paddy.
- Everything's ok over here - Paddy said.
- Except you're cat. It's dead!
- oly ell - replied O'Leary.
- You could have been a bit more sensitive Paddy!
Little Johnny's next door neighbors had a baby.
Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears.
When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny's family to come over and see their new baby. Little Johnny's parents were very afraid that their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby so the dad had a long talk with little Johnny before going to the neighbors.
He said:
- Now, son... that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears or I am really going to spank you when we get back home.
- I promise not to mention his ears at all - said Little Johnny.
A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.
On his very first day of work, he dials the pantry and shouts into the phone:
- Get me a coffee, quickly!
The voice from the other side responded:
- You fool you've dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you're talking to, dumbo?
- No - replied the trainee.
- It's the CEO of the company, you fool!
The trainee shouts back:
- And do YOU know who YOU are talking to, you fool?!
- No - replied the CEO indignantly.
Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
→ Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.
What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
→ Have sex once a year.
What is the most common pregnancy craving?
→ For men to be the ones who get pregnant.
I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
→ With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
→ Depends on what you're doing with them.
A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.
- Sorry, we don't need anyone... - they replied.
- You can't afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!
- Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.
He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.
- How in the world did you do that? - they asked.
- I told you I'm the worlds best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!
- Did you get a urine sample? - they asked him.
- What's that? - he asked.
- Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two…
Sure fire signs that your cow has mad-cow disease...:
- Your cow insists on wearing a little A-1 sauce behind each ear as cologne.
- She refuses to let you milk her, saying:
- Not on the first date.
- Your cow takes up painting and cuts off one of its ears.
- Your cow gets a silicon implant for her udder.
- Your cow appears on Oprah, claiming to be a horse trapped in a cow's body.
- Your cow demands to be branded with the 'Golden Archs Logo'.
- Your cow insists that all Hindus are sacred.
- Your cow insists evaporated milk comes from thirsty cows.
A barman looks out the window of his bar and sees a guy riding a horse dressed in a hunting outfit with a rifle over one arm and a hound running along beside him.
He dismounts and comes walking into the bar where upon he takes the rifle off his shoulder and starts wandering around with his dog sniffing ever table, chair and small corner of the bar. After a while he approaches the barman who asks him what he's doing.
And the guy replies:
- I'm hunting you idiot... can't you see that!
- OK, OK... - says the barman.
- Would you like a drink while you hunt?
Immediately the hunter says:
- Do you have any cheap Gin !!?
Rather taken a back by the abruptness of his request the barman replies:
A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her.
Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She…
A man is in court. The Judges says:
- on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?
- Guilty - said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted:
- You dirty rat!
The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued:
- ..... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?
- Guilty - said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder:
A blonde was visiting Washington, DC for the first time. She wanted to see the Capitol building. Unfortunately, she couldn't find it, so she asked a police officer for directions:
- Excuse me, officer, how do I get to the Capitol building?
The officer replied:
- Wait here at this bus stop for the number 54 bus. It'll take you right there.
She thanked the officer and he drives off.
Three hours later the police officer returned to the same area and, sure enough, the blonde is still waiting at the same bus stop.
The officer got out of his car and said:
- Excuse me, but to get to the Capitol building, I said to wait here for the number 54 bus and that was three hours ago! Why are you still waiting?
