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A guy goes into a bar and says:

- Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!

The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast:

- Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast:

- Quick another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast:

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.

It read:

- Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.

- Please advise?

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked:

- Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?

Aghast, the man said:

- are you NUTS?, that's robbery!

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again:

- Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly:

- you must be crazy pal, now go away!

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy:

- Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much.

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said:

- Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?

Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.

They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons.

The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian:

- What do you want on your back for your whipping?

The Canadian responds:

- I will take oil!

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.

When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican:

- What do you want on your back?

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said:

- Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said:

- I do. Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said:

- I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said:

- Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to…

New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies...

- I will try to figure out why I really need 9 e-mail addresses.

- I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).

- I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

- I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

- I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

- I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe...

- I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

Conduct During the Holiday Season...

Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko's to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor's push-button phone during a party is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

Rental cars are not to be used to go "over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house."

Endlessly singing "Frosty, the Snowman" under your breath at the mall will result in "no presents" this year.

All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2001.

Laced Eggnog will not be secreted in Pepsi cans.

Letting Grampa play "Santa" in long underwear dyed red is discouraged.

Several children are still in therapy as a result of last year's…

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her:

- Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!

and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

- Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat!... he flattened the cat.

Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he:

- Pardon me, madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off....

- Not so fast - says she.

- How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?

Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.

Here's what he handed in:

HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.

PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said:

- DISMAY hurt a little.

OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said:

- Gimme one MOBILE.

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.

He turns to bartender and says:

- Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..

- STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar! - interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again:

- People say about the Pope ...

- NO religion talk, either - the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom...

- I thought the Yankees would...

- NO sports talk... That's how fights start in bars! - the barman said.

Two guys are out hunting deer...

The first guy says:

- Did you see that?... pointing to the sky.

- No - the second guy says.

- Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead! - the first guy says.

- Oh - says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says:

- Did you see that?

- See what? - the second guy asks.

- Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.

Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool) They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer…

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

- He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and…

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.

The interviewer starts with the basics.

- So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying:

- Ehhhh... 22!

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.

- And can you tell us your height, please?

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces:

- Five foot two!

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says:

- Seven Points.

His wife rolls over and says:

- What in the world was that?

The old man replied:

- It's fart football!

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says:

- Touchdown, tie score!

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says:

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted:

- Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

The woman below replied:

- You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.

- You must be an engineer - said the balloonist.

- I am - replied the woman.

- How did you know?

- Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been…

My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.

Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.

One of the men walked into the office and said:

- We need some four-by-twos.

The clerk asked:

- You mean two-by-fours, don't you?

The man said:

- I'll go check, and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said:

- Yeah, I meant two-by-four.

- All right. How long do you need them?

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.

During one Sunday's sermon he told them:

- If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."

From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned:

- You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking…

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson:

- I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said:

- apple

- Very good - said the teacher - now B.

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said:

- ball

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty…

A man asked his wife:

- What would you most like for your birthday?

She said:

- I'd love to be ten again.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore.

One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.

The scientist says to God:

- God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you.

God nods understandingly and says:

- I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?

The scientist says:

A man who isn't qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.

Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.

The owner replies:

- Yah, I know. That's my way of getting rid of that pest!

Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.

The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.