Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.
They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window.
After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her:
- Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?
The nun Replied:
- Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break!!
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said:
- How should I know, that's 200 miles from here! and hung up.
Curious, the husband said:
- Who was that?
And his lovely wife replies:
- I don't any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'
A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.
She sobs:
- Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him.
- Now, now - her mother comforted:
- I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.
- No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!
- Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate! - says her mom.
- Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.
- No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.
- Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?
The preacher rose with a red face.
- Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!
No one moved.
The preacher continued:
- Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!
Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice…
Which part of a vegetable can you not eat?
→ The Wheelchair!
Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?
Because they couldnt put three W's in a row.
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the…
Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine)
Grand Canyon National Park...
Everglades National Park...
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.
The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.
- Well, - he explained - By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen.
On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his…
The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.
Time Limit: 3 Days.
Write Your Name: (20 point bonus if spelled correctly).
Love 'em or hate 'em, it's Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try 'em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be preapared for GROANS... then you'll see why they are called so... enjoy and pass 'em on!
Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.
A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.
My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.
Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating: always use condiments.
I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.
A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.
- Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.
- But I'm not allowed up on the couch!
- Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
- Doc: Do you drink a lot?
- Not really - I spill most of it!
- Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
- Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.
- Then you'll have a bad headache.
- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!
Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone…
Ed and Ted went to the fair. They came across a small crowd gathered around a stall and went over to take a look. - What's going on? - Ed asked one of the crowd.
- We're watching to see if some idiot can ride that bronco machine - he said nodding towards a fearsome looking machine.
- Nobody has managed to stay on for the full three minutes yet. And there's a prize of $1000 for anybody who can.
- I can do that! - Ed said confidently.
- No you can't - said Ted.
- I sure as hell can! - said Ed.
- You'll get yourself killed if you try and ride that monster - said Ted.
- Watch this - said Ed and climbed aboard the bronco machine.
The machine thrashed wildly, up and down, from side to side, around in…
Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.
- Sidney thought of everything - she told them.
- Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. 'Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace'.
- What was in the envelopes? - her friends asked.
- The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting…
A Duke was hunting in the forest with his men-at-arms and servants when he came across a tree. Upon it, archery targets were painted and smack in the middle of each was an arrow.
- Who is this incredibly fine archer? - cried the duke.
- I must find him!
After continuing through the forest for a few miles he came across a small boy carrying a bow and arrow. Eventually the boy admitted that it was he who shot the arrows plumb in the center of all the targets.
- You didn't just walk up to the targets and hammer the arrows into the middle, did you? - asked the duke worriedly.
- No my lord. I shot them from a hundred paces. I swear it by all that I hold holy.
MORE REJECTED CHILDRENS BOOK TITLES:
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was a powerful emperor.
This emperor needed a new head samurai. So, he sent out a message to everybody he knew for them to send a message to who they knew, and so forth.
A year passes, and only three people show up: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.
The Japanese samurai opens up a matchbox, and out pops a little fly.
WHOOOOOSH. The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces!
The emperor says:
- That is very impressive!
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai. The Chinese samurai…
More One-liners worth passing on...
Better to be occasionally cheated than perpetually suspicious.
In two words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. S$$T HAPPENS!.
Accept than some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
The best vitamin for making friends: B1.
If you can't be the tablecloth, don't be the dishrag.
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
I'm not just a gardener, I'm a Plant Manager.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.
If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.
If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.
If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she'd be Bo Ho.
If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.
If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg (hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.
If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.
If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.
If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.
- I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was - 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?'
- Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
- A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' - she sneered.
- I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to…
The Wolf Man comes home one day from a long day at the office.
- How was work, dear? - his wife asks.
- Listen! I don't want to talk about work! - he shouts.
- Okay. Would you like to sit down and eat a nice home cooked meal? - she asks sweetly.
- Listen! - he shouts again.
- I'm not hungry! I don't wanna eat! Alright! Is that alright with you? Can't I come home from work and just do my own thing without you forcing food down my throat? huh?
At this moment, the wolf man started growling, and throwing things around the apartment in a mad rage.
Looking out the window, his wife sees a full moon and says to herself...
- Well, I guess it's that time of the month!
The Geography of a Woman
Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost…
Think you're having a bad day.... check it out these actual cases.
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scubatanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters…
