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Two Golfers were approaching the first tee.

The first guy goes into his golf bag to get a ball and says to his friend:

- Hey, why don't you try this ball.

He draws a green golf ball out of his bag.

- Use this one - You can't lose it!

His friend replies:

- What do you mean you can't lose it?!!

The first man replies:

- I'm serious, you can't lose it.

- If you hit it into the woods, it makes a beeping sound, if you hit it into the water it produces bubbles, and if you hit it on the fairway, smoke comes up in order for you to find it.

The teacher asked the students to bring one electrical appliance for "Show & Tell," and the next day every kid had something.

The teacher asks Wendy: What did you bring?

- I brought a Walkman.

- And what is it for?

- You can listen to music with it!

- That's nice Wendy. What did you bring Kenny?

- I brought a 'lectrical can opener, it opens cans!

- Well done, Kenny.

- Umm, Johnny, I see you didn't bring anything!

- Yes, I did. It's in the hall.

JUST FAUX FUN

- Can you loan me faux dollars ?

- What faux ?

- To buy faux diamonds.

- What do you need with faux diamonds ?

- I have sixteen, but I need faux more.

- Okay, why do you need twenty faux diamonds ?

- No, just twenty, not twenty-faux .

- You CAN'T be faux real ! Besides, I don't have faux dollars.

- Thanks faux nothing !

What to do if you fall into a conversation with someone about the terrorist attacks who doesn't believe in retaliation:

1. Engage in conversation, and ask if military force is appropriate.
2. When he says "No," ask, "Why not?"
3. Wait until he says something to the effect of "Because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful and we should not cause more violence."
4. When he's in mid sentence, punch him in the face as hard as you can.
5. When he gets back up to punch you, point out that it would be a mistake and contrary to his values to strike you, because that would be awful and he should not cause more violence.
6. Wait until he agrees, and has pledged not to commit…

George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when George W. said:

- I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like:

- Oh, they are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I'll prove it to you.

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

- Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I'm home - said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said:

- See! That guy was really stupid!

- No kidding - replied George W.

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

- Well, what do you want? - he snarled at the blonde.

- I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?

Why Dogs don't surf the web...

- Can't stick their heads out of Windows 2000.

- Too difficult to "mark" every website they visit.

- Can't help attacking the screen when they hear "You've Got Mail."

- Fire hydrant icon simply frustrating.

- Involuntary tail wagging is dead giveaway they're browsing www.pethouse.com instead of working.

- Keep bruising noses trying to catch that MPEG frisbee.

- Three words: Carpal Paw Syndrome

'Cause dogs ain't GEEKS! Now, cats, on the other hand...

- Barking in next cube keeps activating YOUR voice recognition software.

A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch.

The bartender thinks "this guy doesn't know the difference," so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch.

The patron takes one sip and spits it out. He promptly hollers at the bartender:

- I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!

Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.

The patron takes a sip...same reaction.

But the bartender still doesn't believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.

Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the host's three-year-old girl stared at her father's boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her:

- Why are you staring at me?

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said:

- My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I don't want to miss it!

Q&A's about Salami Bin Coward & the Talibuttheads:

Why does Salami Bin Coward carry a Turd in his pocket?
→ It's his photo ID.

What do Salami Bin Coward and Hiroshima have in common?
→ Nothing - "yet".

How do you play Talibutthead bingo?
→ B-52... F-16... B-1...

What is the Talibuttheads national bird?
→ Duck.

How is Salami Bin Coward like Fred Flintstone?

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied:

- Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?

JOKESGALORE NEWS FLASH
10 - 29 - 2001:
Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in one of the neighborhoods in Cleveland, Ohio.

Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained.

Police Officials have detained the following terrorists on civil unrest issues:

1. Bin Sleepin
2. Bin Drinkin
3. Bin Fightin

The Police advise further that they can find no one fitting the description of the fourth cell member, Bin Workin, anywhere in the neighborhood.

Police are very confident that anyone who looks like Bin Workin will be very easy to spot in the community. No further information available.

Sung to the tune of "Day-O" (The Banana Boat Song)

Day-O...oh Day-O,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Run Mr Taliban, we know where you're hiding,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Hey USA, USA, USA...

Air force come and they flatten you home
60ft, 70ft, 80ft craters,
Air force come and they flatten your home
Old Uncle Sam's pissed, he ain't no quitter,

Late Nite Jokes heard on T.V.

- There is now a $5 million dollar bounty on Osama bin Laden. Which marks the first time in history there has ever been a bounty on a guy's head who wears Bounty on his head. (Jay Leno)

- We are starting to learn more about Osama bin Laden. For his birthday one year, somebody gave him a $4 Timex. We know that. He is married to the daughter of a guy named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I think her name is Tiffany Omar. Insiders say that the marriage is not working out. Apparently they are living in separate caves. (David Letterman)

- It looks like now the military action is taking effect. They think that bin Laden's organization is starting to break down. Today satellite…

Lets face it, there are a lot of dumb people out there. Sometimes you want to express how stupid they really are and here's how...

- An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.

- As smart as bait.

- Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.

- Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

- Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.

- Forgot to pay his brain bill.

- His belt doesn't go through all the loops.

- If he had another brain, it would be lonely.

- Missing a few buttons on his remote control.

Rarely do we receive a chain letter I feel compelled to pass on, but under the circumstances....

President Bush has asked that we unite for a common cause.

Since the Taliban cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tomorrow night at 7:00 all peace-loving women between the ages of 21 & 35 are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men should position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they think it's ok to see other women nude. (A cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your…

A 87 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said:

- You're really doing great, aren't you?

The man replied:

- Just doing what you said doctor, 'Get a hot mama and be cheerful.'

The doctor said:

- I didn't say that!...

- I said you have got a heart murmur. Be careful!

What's the best thing about growing old?

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

- You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.

- Why? - asked somebody from the audience.

- I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years - the expert explained.

- She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.

- One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

- Did it save time? - the guy in the audience asked.

- Actually, yes - replied the expert.

- It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.

- Now I do it in ten...

PRESS RELEASE: Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington
Statement by the Press Secretary
President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:
CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!

WE HAVE PLEDGED:

- 2 BATTLE SHIPS

- 600 GROUND TROOPS

- 6 FIGHTER JETS

AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:

- 2 CANOES

A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart.

When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed.

Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing.

The guy next to him asked:

- Why are you laughing?

- I was thinking about my own funeral - the man replied.

- What's so funny about that?

- I'm a gynecologist.

A Texan goes to Toronto for a vacation.

There he grabs a cab at the airport and says he's on his way to The Royal York Hotel.

The Cabby heads downtown on his way he passes Queens Park.

- What's that - says the Texan.

- Oh! That's Queens Park - says the Cabby.

- Its our Provincial Government, its like your State Government. Those buildings are almost 200 years old and they are quite big.

- Oh! We have buildings much older than that and at least twice as large - says the Texan.

They continue along and past First Canadian Place.

- Holy cow - says the Texan.

- What's that?

The teacher put two baskets of treats on her desk, a basket of apples and a basket of cookies.

She told the students to each take only one treat.

Next to the basket of apples was a sign: Take only one, God is watching.

As one little boy reached over to take a cookie, the boy next to him said:

- Take all you want, God's watching the apples!

One day a boy came walking home from school. On the way home he saw a creek. He quickly jumped in, clothes and all. When he arrived home completely soaked his dad asked:

- Son what happened?

- I jumped in that creek down the road.

- Why did you do that?

- I dunno.

His dad was very angry and said:

- If you jump in that creek again, just because, I'm gonna tan that hide - just because! Is that clear?

- Yes dad - replies his son.

The next day, the boy came home walking from school, and sure enough when he saw that creek, he jumped right on in.

When he went home, his dad knew what had happened and asked:

Good girls say:

- thanks for a wonderful dinner...

Bad girls say:

- what's for breakfast?

Good girls never go after another girl's man...
Bad girls go after him AND his brother.

Good girls wear white cotton panties...
Bad girls don't wear any.

Good girls wax their floors...
Bad girls wax their bikini lines.

Cover Charge: $15.00
Round of Drinks: $23.00
Table Dance: $30.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Couch Dance and Tips: $50.00
A Round of Shots: $34.00
Another Round of Drinks: $23.00
Lap Dance and Hand Job: $100.00
Private Dance and Hotel Room: $500.00
Sending her on her way without having to cuddle or listen to her: