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A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.

The chief comes to them and says:

- the bad news is that now that we've caught you, we're going to kill you. We will put you in a pot and cook you, eat you, and then use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you get to choose how you die.

The Frenchman says:

- I take ze sword.

The chief gives him a sword, he says - Vive la France! - and runs himself through.

The Englishman says:

- a pistol for me, please.

The chief gives him a pistol, he points it at his head, says - God save the queen! - and blows his brains out.

The New Yorker says:

A priest was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners.

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life.

- Were these dishes ever washed? - he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied:

- Of course they were cleaned Father.

"They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and they all started eating. The meal was delicious and he paid his compliments in spite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and yells:

- Here Soap! Here Water!

Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:

- When a heroic dog dies to save it's master

- The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse

- After wrecking your boss' Ferrari

- One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move: Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless…

Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. (Helen Hayes, at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow. (Janette Barber)

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. (Lily Tomlin)

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. (Carrie Snow)

Old age ain't no place for sissies. (Bette Davis)

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. (Catherine Aird)

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. (Rhonda Hansome)

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. (Jane Sellman)

A Priest, a Nun, and a Camel are crossing the desert.

The camel falls dead.

- Before I die - the father says - I would like to see a woman naked.

So the nun takes off all her clothes.

She then says:

- Before I die I would like to see a man naked.

So the father takes off his clothes. She looks at his penis and says:

- My God!! What is that for?

He says:

- You stick it in a hole and it brings forth life.

Martha Stewart vs Me...

Martha's way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Pete's sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Martha's way: Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.
My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Martha's way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for…

NOTE: This joke may be offensive to some. STOP HERE if you are offended by religious jokes.

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth.

He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that he grew up, etc.

So he asked his class:

- Where is Jesus today?

Steven raised his hand and said:

- He's in heaven.

Mary was called on and answered:

- He's in my heart.

Little Johnny, waving his hand furiously, blurts out:

Some people grow old gracefully, while others fight and scratch the whole way.

Andy's wife, refusing to give in to the looks of growing old, goes out and buys a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asks her husband:

- Darling, honestly, if you didn't know me, what age would you say I am?

Looking over her carefully, Andy replied:

- Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.

- Oh, you flatterer! - she gushed.

Just as she was about to tell Andy his reward, he stops her by saying:

- WHOA, hold on there sweety! - Andy interrupted.

An old man is sitting at a table with his son and his new grandson.

The old man looks at his son and asks:

- Son, have you found out what that boy of yers is gonna be yet when he grows up?

The man curls his eyebrows and asks:

- huh?

The old man gets up and says:

- wait right here.

About five minutes pass and the old man comes back with a bottle of beer, some poker playing cards, and a bible.

The old man lines up the three items in front of the infant and looks at the man and says:

- Ok, here's how it works...

LIFE UNDER THE SEA

What is life like under the sea? Is it a dogfish eat dogfish world? Is everyone united for a common porpoise? Or do they all split off in their own special groupers? Well, one tragic story indicates it's not so perfect down there.

There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of it's flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy and always whistled a happy tuna.

One day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeon's treatments had made him more eel than he had been and the conked him with a…

Which condom would you use....

- Nike Condoms: Just do it.

- Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.

- Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.

- Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.

- Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.

- Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.

- Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

- Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.

- Ford Condoms: The best never rest.

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

- Would you mind telling me, Doctor - she asked - how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?

- That's easy - he replied. You ask them a simple question which everyone should be able to answer with no trouble. If they hesitate, that puts you on the right track.

"What sort of question would you ask Doctor?"

"Well, you might ask them..."

"Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them.

Which one?"

The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh:

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

"We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife."

- Well, tell me! - the man said.

The policeman said:

- We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.

Which do you want to hear first?

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said:

- Give me the bad news first.

So the policeman said:

- I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay.

What do you call a girl with one leg shorter than the other?
→ Ilene

What do you call a Chinese girl with one leg shorter than the other?
→ Irene

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat. He walked up the the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat.

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat.

He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the Cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said:

- Beer for me, beer for the ostrich and whisky for the cat.

The Barman was curious about this and said:

Frank was excited about his new rifle. So, he went bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. There was then a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.

The black bear said:

- You've got two choices. I either maul you to death or we have rough sex.

Frank decided to bend over. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it.

There was another tap on his shoulder.

This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly says:

- That was a huge mistake, Frank. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have REALLY rough sex.

1. I can see your point, but you're still full of crap.
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
3. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
4. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
5. Ahh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
7. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
8. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
9. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

A Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.

- Say Mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?

- Because he was conceived during a mighty storm - she said.

Then he asked:

- Why is my sister named Cornflower?

- Well your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her - she replied.

He then asked:

- And why is my other sister called Moonchild?

- We were watching the moon-landing when she was conceived - the mother replies.

The mother paused and said to her son...:

The following are actual statements found in insurance forms where drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest words.

- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.

- I thought my window was down, but I found out it was up when I put my head through it.

- A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face.

- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

- The guy was all over the road, I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law, and headed over the embankment.

- I attempted to kill a fly, and I drove into a telephone pole.

Boudreaux went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself - I'm not hiring that lazy Cajun, so he decided to set a test for Boudreaux hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument.

The first question was:

- Without using numbers, represent the number 9.

Boudreaux says:

- Dat's easy

and proceeds to draw three trees.

The boss says:

- What in the world is that?

Boudreaux says:

- Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine.

- George Bush: When you rearrange the letters: He Bugs Gore

- Dormitory: When you rearrange the letters: Dirty Room

- Evangelist: When you rearrange the letters: Evil's Agent

- Desperation: When you rearrange the letters: A Rope Ends It

- The Morse Code: When you rearrange the letters: Here Come Dots

- Slot Machines: When you rearrange the letters: Cash Lost in Em

- Animosity: When you rearrange the letters: Is No Amity

- Mother-in-law: When you rearrange the letters: Woman Hitler

- Snooze Alarms: When you rearrange the letters: Alas No More Z's

- A Decimal Point: When you rearrange the letters: I'm a Dot in Place

After getting nailed by a Daisy Cutter, Osama made his way to the pearly gates. There, he is greeted by George Washington.

- How dare you attack the nation I helped conceive! - Washington, slapping Osama in the face.

Patrick Henry comes up from behind.

- You wanted to end the Americans' liberty, so they gave you death! - Henry punches Osama on the nose.

James Madison comes up next, and says:

- This is why I allowed the Federal government to provide for the common defense!

He drops a large weight on Osama's knee.

Osama is subject to similar beatings from James Monroe, and 65 other people who have the same love for liberty and America. As he writhes on the ground, Thomas Jefferson picks him up to…

You're a redneck if...

- You have more fingers than you do teeth

- You cut your grass and find a car

- You consider Denny's a Fancy Resturant

- Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors

- Your age is higher than your I.Q.

- Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?"

- You ask your wife wheather the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "Its a gummy bear."

- You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up.

- You say "Watch this" everytime before you goto the hospital.

We yanks just love to pass the blame. What other country can boast of 3 lawyers for every citizen. We come up with the best reasons to blame others for our own problems. Here's a small list...

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she's holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself or then next door neighbors, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbor crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you…

A woman is learning how to golf. She has been teaching herself to play for more than three months and she is really bad. She decides to consult a golf pro.

When she sees the golf pro, she explains how bad she is and he tells her to go ahead and hit the ball. She does. The ball goes about 50 yards into the brush slicing to the right. The golf pro says to the woman:

- I can see that you have a lot of problems. Your stance is bad, your head is all over the place, and the worst thing is that grip.

When she asks what can be done to fix the situation, he suggests:

- Grab the club gently, as if you were grabbing your husband's 'club'. When the feeling is right, go ahead and swing.