Walkin' Round in Women's Underwear
(to be sung to "Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland")
Lacy things - the wife is missin,
Didn't ask - her permission,
I'm wearin' her clothes,
Her silk pantyhose,
Walkin' round in women's underwear.
In the store - there's a teddy,
Little straps - like spaghetti,
It holds me so tight,
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
- Officer: May I see your driver's license?
- Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
- Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
- Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
- Officer: The car is stolen?
- Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
- Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?
- Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
- Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He's got two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says:
- What's in the bags?
- Sand - answered Juan.
The guard says:
- We'll just see about that - get off the bike!
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks:
An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
- Ma'am - said the cop.
- I'm not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.
- Oh, I'll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home - responded the Amish lady.
- That's fine. Another thing, ma'am. I don't like the way that one rein loops across the horse's back and around one of his testicles. I consider that animal abuse. Have your husband take care of that right away! - instructed the cop.
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
- Well, dear, what exactly did he say? - asked Jacob.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, all working for NASA, were trying to figure out where to go on the next trip.
The brunette said:
- We should go to Mars.
The redhead said:
- We should go to the Moon.
The brunette and the redhead sat there arguing for a while. Suddenly, the blonde shouts:
- Stop arguing! I know where the next expedition should be to ... the Sun!
The brunette and the redhead looked at each other and started laughing. The brunette finally said:
- You can't go to the Sun. You would melt or burn up before you even got close!
The blonde said:
This could be considered THE ideal world for many men:
His son on the cover of a box of Wheaties.
His mistress in the centerfold of Playboy.
A picture of his wife on the milk carton.
On my last trip to Canada, I had the rare pleasure of meeting the leading historian of this great country. Out of curiosity I asked him how their county got it's name.
Below is his explanation...
There were three explorers, hiking through what is now known as Canada.
- You know - said the first explorer.
- we should name this place we're hiking through.
- I agree - said the second explorer.
- Great idea - quipped the third explorer.
- We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that.
- Okay - said the third.
- I'll go first. C, eh.
- Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
- He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
- You have a shuttle called "Billy Joe Bob".
- He refers to Klingons as "Critters".
- He refers to Photon Torpedoes as "Popguns".
- He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.
- He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
- He says "Got your ears on, good buddy" instead of "open hailing frequencies".
- He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
- He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
Some lessons learned in life:
- Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness".
- People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
- You should not confuse your career with your life, because…
A blonde is speaking to her psychiatrist.
- I'm on the road a lot, and my clients are complaining that they can never reach me.
- Psychiatrist: Don't you have a phone in your car?
- Blonde: That was a little too expensive, so I did the next best thing. I put a mailbox in my car.
- Psychiatrist: Uh ... How's that working?
- Blonde: Actually, I haven't gotten any letters yet.
- Psychiatrist: And why do you think that is?
- Blonde: I figure it's because when I'm driving around, my zip code keeps changing.
The following sign was posted at a fast food restaurant owned by two blondes:
- Parking for drive-through customers only!
A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.
She lies down on the bed... just then, and elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.
Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.
Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.
Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.
The manager says he'll be right up.
The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.
- Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!
One Sunday morning a minister and a choirboy were getting the church ready for mass. The minister prepared his sermon while the choirboy filled the holy water fountain.
Suddenly, the choirboy burst into the minister's room and yelled:
- father father, I just saw the most amazing thing! I filled the holy water fountain. Then a man came in on crutches. He moved to the fountain, dipped his left hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his left crutch. Then he dipped his right hand in the holy water, blessed himself and threw away his right crutch. Then he turned to me ... and he took a step forward!
The minister was awe struck by what he just heard.
A man's house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.
He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.
Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.
Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.
Then he goes back in "3 more times" without bringing out anybody or anything.
So a bystander is curious and asks him:
- Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?
The man replies:
- I'm turning over my mother in law.
At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying:
- I know the whole truth even when you don't know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says:
- I know the whole truth.
His mother quickly hands him $20 and says:
- Just don't tell your father.
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with:
- I know the whole truth.
The father promptly hands him $40 and says:
- Please don't say a word to your mother.
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his…
A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied:
- I'm on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.
He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said:
- I'm on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.
Once again he thanked her and returned to his play.
Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.
When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:
- Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?
The bus driver shakes his head and says:
- No, I'm sorry.
Hearing this, the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters:
- Will it take ME?
10 Blonde Science Fair Projects:
From David Letterman and the Late Show...
Top Ten Signs Bill Clinton Doesn't Give A Damn
One Monday morning, Grover picking up the kids along a new bus route.
At the first stop, he picked up a fat little girl. Grover asked:
- What's your name?
- Patty - she replied. She had a seat in the back of the bus.
On the next stop there was a handicapped boy named Ross. All the kids called him "Special Ross."
Then a young man named Lester Cheese loaded onto the bus, sat down, took off his shoes and began picking at his bunyons.
Finally the last stop came up, and another chubby little girl got on. Grover had never met her, so he asked her her name and her name was also Patty.
On the way to school, Grover looked in his mirror and began to laugh, He was thinking...
A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes.
- How do they feel? - asks the sales clerk.
- Well they feel a bit tight - replies the man.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet.
- Try pulling the tongue out - the clerk says.
- Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth. (DOH!)
These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented.
- Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?
- Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'? (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")
- I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?
- Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites? hahahaha... what a bone head!
- Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs? hmmm...
I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen...do you?
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?
Border Collie: Just one. Then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code.
Rottweiler: Make me!
Lab: Oh, me, me! Pleeease let me change the light bulb! Can I? Huh? Huh?
Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
Malamute: Let the Border Collie do it. You can feed me while he's busy.
Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls.
Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
Mastiff: Screw it yourself! I'm not afraid of the dark...
A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.
He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.
The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.
Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.
Stan was seconds away from receiving a vasectomy when his brother and sister-in-law barged in the room holding their newborn baby.
- Stop! You can't do this! - exclaimed the brother.
- And why not? - asked Stan.
- Don't you want to have a beautiful baby someday like my wife and I have here?
Stan said nothing.
The brother grew impatient:
- C'mon Stan, I want a nephew. Stan, make me an uncle.
Stan couldn't take it anymore. He gave his sister-in-law an apologetic look and asked his brother:
- You're SURE you want a nephew?
- Yes - the brother replied.
A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains. They had registered on Saturday and had not been seen for five days.
An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds.
The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK.
- Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love.
The old man replied:
- I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window? They're choking the shit out of my ducks!
