NAME:
→ I am Applyin
DESIRED POSITION:
→ Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY:
→ $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION:
→ Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD:
→ Target for middle-management hostility.
- In the front yard of a funeral home, "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
- On an electrician's truck, "Let us remove your shorts."
- Outside a radiator repair shop, "Best place in town to take a leak."
- In a non-smoking area, "If we see you smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
- On a maternity room door, "Push, Push, Push."
- On a front door, "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
- At an optometrist's office, "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
- On a taxidermist's window, "We really know our stuff."
- On a butcher's window, "Let me meat your needs."
- On a butcher's window, "You can beat our prices, but you…
A college professor had just finished explaining how important it was that a research project be turned in on time. He said there were only two acceptable excuses for late projects:
A smart-ass student raised his hand and asked:
- What about extreme sexual exhaustion?
As expected, this caused an explosion of laughter.
After the class had settled down, the professor froze the student with a glaring look and said:
- Well, in that case, I guess you would just have to learn how to write with your other hand.
Is there a 12 step, support group, or such?
For those of us folks who chat on line too much?
If there was a group, I would like it just fine,
Except that it prob'bly would be here online!
Are there therapists here? I think I saw some.
Its got me, its got me, its power is AWESOME!
It's my new computer, I've had it one week,
Now I look in the mirror and I see a real "geek."
Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs.
Please help me, please help me, please get me offline!
Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss this vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
- On a woman - the doctor said.
- your heart would be just below your left breast.
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a bullet wound to…
A visiting professor at the University of Alabama is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks:
- How many people here believe in ghosts?
About 90 students raise their hands.
- Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?
About 40 students raise their hands.
- That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?
15 students raise their hands.
- That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?
3 students raise their hands.
- That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?
A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked:
- Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?
The little girl stayed silent.
Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked:
- Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?
Again, the little girl was silent.
Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked:
- Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?
- Oh, no! - the little girl replied.
- Jesus is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants.
A - Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
B - BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
C - COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
D - DATE: Infrequent outings with Dad where Mom can enjoy worrying about the kids in a different setting.
E - EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."
F - FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
G - GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
H - HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many diapers.
I - INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
J - JUNK: Dad's stuff.
One day a woman went to her pastor and asked:
- Pastor there are some things in life that aren't addressed in the Bible; how are we supposed to deal with them.
The Pastor responded:
- There are no such things, give me an example of what you are talking about.
The woman responded:
- PMS is not in the Bible. So the Pastor thought and told the woman to call back in the morning and he would have the answer.
The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor had an answer about PMS in the Bible.
The Pastor replied:
- Yes, it's the part where Mary rides Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem!!!.
There was this kid who wanted to divorce his parents, so he takes them to court.
The judge says, "do you want to live with your dad?" the kid says "no! he beats me!". The judge says, "you want to live with your mom?" "no! she beats me too!".
So the judge says, "who do you want to live with then?"
The kid says, "The Cleveland Browns...they can't beat anybody!"
Bernie was invited to his friend's home for dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey... My Love... Darling... Sweetheart... Pumpkin, etc.
Bernie looked at Morris and remarked:
- That is really nice, that after all these years that you have been married, you keep calling your wife those pet names.
Morris hung his head and whispered:
- To tell the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!
If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philip's Screwdriver?
Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?
Why is a wise man and wise guy opposites?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
IN PRISON...
You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.....
You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...
You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.....
You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON...
You get time off for good behavior.
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled.
- Jeeves - she said.
- Take off my dress.
He did this carefully.
- Jeeves - she continued.
An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!
Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says...:
- Broccoli. 49 cents a pound!
A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says:
- Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want.
The Russian begins thinking:
- Well, I really like drinking vodka.
Finally the Russian says:
- I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka.
The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks in the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.
The Russian yells to his wife:
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it.
After the intimate session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says:
- I bet you are a surgeon
She confirms and asks how he knew.
- Easy, you're always washing your hands.
She then says:
- I bet you're an anesthesiologist.
A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy:
- Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?
The guy replies:
- I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver:
- Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.
The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out:
- I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years.
12 Step Program of Recovery for Web Addicts:
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
- His obnoxious brother: Please Gogh
- His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh
- The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh
- The constipated uncle: Cant Gogh
- The brother who worked at a convenience store: Stopn Gogh
- The grandfather from Yugoslavia: U Gogh
- The brother who bleached his clothes white: Hue Gogh
- The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh
What does it mean when the flag is at half mast at the post office?
→ They're hiring.
What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?
→ "Dam."
How do crazy people go through the forest?
→ They take the psycho path.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the toilet too long?
→ Polaroids.
What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
→ National Dyslexia Association.
- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
- There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
- You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
- I'm not a complete idiot. Some parts are missing.
- Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Prevent inbreeding: ban Country & Western music.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his bus.
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss.
The brain said:
- I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions.
The feet said:
- We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.
The hands said:
- We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.
And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work.
Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and…
A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
- It`s for my husband - she tells the clerk.
- Did he tell you what gauge to get? - asked the clerk.
- Are you kidding? - she says.
- He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!
One day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.
Jim calls out to his golfing partner in excitement:
- Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.
Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out:
- What's the matter Jim?
Jim shouts back in a nervous voice:
- Throw me my 7-iron... You can't get out of here with an 8-iron!
