Six months into a marriage, a man was asked by his best friend how everything was going. He replied, "Oh, just fine. We practically never have any arguments. In the morning, she does what she wants. In the afternoon, I do what she wants. And at night, we both do what we both want."
Watching her mother as she tried on her new mink coat, the daughter protested:
- Mom, do you realize some poor, dumb beast suffered so you could have that coat?
Her mother glared back at her and said:
- Don't talk about your father that way!
Jim and I have been married for two years now and we have not yet had our first husband-wife argument.
If we have a difference of any kind, and I am right, Jim nods and accepts my opinion. But what if he's right? That has not happened yet.
A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table.
Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.
After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman:
- Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.
The woman calmly looked up at her and replied:
The next door neighbor of a middle-aged wife came over to inform her that her retired husband was chasing around after young prostitutes.
The woman smiled:
- So what?
The neighbor was surprised:
- It doesn't bother you that he's running around with those women?
The woman replied:
- I also have a little dog who chases cars and buses, too.
Retirement means twice as much husband for half as much money.
Sam arrived home from work early one afternoon only to surprise his wife busily engaged with a midget in bed.
After chasing the rogue away, Sam liberally expressed his dismay to his wayward spouse:
- I just don't know what to do with you! - he said, shaking his head.
- We've talked about this over and over. We've spent hours with the marriage counselor. I was really starting to believe that I could trust you again.
- I know, I know... - acknowledged the wife contritely.
- But at least I'm cutting back!
The man came home to find evidence that his wife had been unfaithful.
- Was it my friend Steve? - he yelled.
- No - she said.
- Was it my friend James? - he then asked.
- What? - she shouted.
- Don't you think I have any friends of my own?
- Come on, Steve - one guy said to another at the gym.
- your wife is not as bad as you say. What would you do if you found another man in bed with her?
- I'd break his white cane and shoot his dog.
A woman comes home from shopping and finds her husband in bed with another woman. The man jumps up and says:
- Honey, I can explain!
- As I was coming home from the golf course, I saw this poor helpless girl on the side of the road. So I gave her a ride and asked her where she was going. She said she had no where to go and hadn't eaten anything in three days. I felt so sorry for her that I brought her home and gave her something to eat.
- While she was eating, I noticed she had no shoes so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't use anymore. Then I noticed her clothes were worn, so I gave her one of your dresses that you don't use anymore.
A husband was worried about the decline in the quality of his marriage so he discreetly went to a marriage counselor to discuss the problem.
The counselor asked:
- Do you kiss your wife when you get home from work, remind her every now and then of how much you love her, and show her all the little attentions that you did during the first few years of your marriage?
- Uhh, no, I guess not - the husband replied.
- That happens with many married couples - the counselor replied.
- I suggest that you begin starting today to do all those little nice things for her...fuss over her, buy her flowers, bring candy home to her, and try to be a lover again instead of just a husband.
After an argument with his wife, a man stalked out of the house. He returned a few hours later to find his wife packing a suitcase. He angrily asked her where she was going.
- I'm moving to Las Vegas. I can make $400-500 there doing what I give you for free.
The man thought about this for a moment, then pulled out his own suitcase and began packing. His wife asked where HE was going.
- I'm going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see how you manage to live on $800 a year!
Who needs a man!...
My dog growls at me every morning, my parrot swears all afternoon, my fireplace smokes a lot, my cat slinks home in the early morning hours, and I have a physician who looks me over regularly.
- Income tax examiner: What's your husband's average income?
- Wife: Oh, about midnight.
After their house burned down, Mary Ann, his wife, called the insurance company.
Mary Ann tells the insurance agent:
- We had that house insured for one hundred thirty thousand dollars and we want our money.
The agent replies:
- Whoa there, just a minute. It doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of your house and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.
Mary Ann thought for a moment and then told the agent:
- I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.
- Outraged wife: Couldn't you think of anything better than coming home drunk like this?
- Husband: Yes, but she was out of town!
Gena is such a good wife. Why, just let her husband get home late at night and as soon as he enters the door, he gets his pipe, slippers, pajamas, robe, book, dinner, and if anything else is handy, she heaves that at him, too.
- Husband: Darling, will you love me when I'm old and feeble?
- Spouse: You bet I do.
- Marriage counselor: Maybe your problem is that you've been waking up grumpy every morning.
- Client: No, I always let him sleep.
At the marriage counselor's office, the woman complained, "What's-his-name here says I don't give him enough attention."
- Oh, Laura! - cried her neighbor.
- I'm so very sorry to hear about the loss of your husband. He was such a wonderful man. I'm sure he left you well provided for, didn't he?
Laura dabbed at her eyes and muttered:
- Yes, he was a very caring husband and he left me almost half a million dollars in his will. I miss him so much that I'd give fifty thousand just to have him back!
The little boy asked his dad one evening:
- Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?
- I don't know, son - he said.
- I'm still paying for it.
Standing at the pearly gates of heaven, Albert noticed pointing to two paths. One was marked "Women" and the other marked "Men".
He took the path assigned to men and then came upon two more gates.
The right-hand gate had a sign that read "Men Who Were Dominated By Their Spouses"; the other gate read "Men Who Were Boss And Dominated Their Spouses". The first gate had an endless line of guys waiting, but only one little guy stood before the male domination gate. Albert was undecided, so he walked up to the little guy standing all alone and asked:
- Why are you standing at this gate, a little punk like you?
The smallish fellow replied:
- I haven't a clue. My wife told me to stand here.
A woman tells her friend:
- My husband is an angel.
Her friend replies:
- You're lucky, mine is still alive.
Two men are sitting in a pub talking, one mentions that it's his wife's birthday soon and he doesn't know what to get her.
The second man says that he bought his wife a blue Porsche and a red Porsche for her birthday because if she didn't like the blue one, she could have the red one, and vice versa.
The next week, the second man asks the other what he finally bought his wife. He replies:
- a necklace and a vibrator.
- Why? - asks the second man.
To which the other man replies:
- Because if she doesn't like the necklace, she can go fuck herself.
