After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife:
- What the hell happened?
- As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss - replied the wife.
- Piss on him - answered the husband.
- You did - said the wife, and he fired you.
- Well, fuck him - said the husband.
- I did, and you go back to work in the morning!
On the way home from the party, the woman said to her husband:
- Have I ever told you how handsome and sexy and irresistible to women you are?
- Why no - said the husband, flattered.
- Then what the hell gave you that idea at the party?! - she yelled.
Old Farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he sad to his wife:
- When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.
- No, I can't marry anyone after you.
- But I want you to.
- But why?
- Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!
Having spent half the night discussing involvement vs. commitment (one of my favorite topics when I've had a couple of glasses of wine and am feeling particularly cranky) with my boyfriend, I was quite amused to see the following saying pop up when I logged in the next morning:
Commitment, n.: Commitment can be best illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
Did you hear about the new men's magazine that caters exclusively to married men?
It's like Playboy or Penthouse magazine, except the centerfold is the same month after month after month...
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said:
- We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have…
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife:
- I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them.
His wife looked at him calmly and said:
- Why do you think I gave you the poison?
An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life.
- Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
- Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild.
- Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my dick on the curtains, and my wife...she goes wild!
- Knock, knock.
- Who's there?
- Emersom.
- Emersom who?
- Emersom nice boobs ya got there!
- And you tell me several men proposed marriage to you - said the husband.
- Yes, several - the wife replied.
- Well I wish you had married the first fool who proposed.
- I did!
A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach.
The marriage counselor told him:
- If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder.
One day there was a little puppy dog laying beside one of the rails on a railroad track.
He fell asleep, and while he was sleeping his tail ended up on the rail, and by that time a train came along and cut off his tail, he look around to see what happen and the train cut off his head.
Do you know what the moral of the story is?
Dont lose your head over a little piece of tail !!
During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife.
She had him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon!
As a couple sat in the living room, watching TV, the phone rang.
The husband picked it up, listened for a moment and then screamed:
- Damn it! How should I know? Call the weather bureau! - and hung up.
- What was that all about? - wife asked.
- Awww, some idiot wanted to know whether the coast was clear!
A doctor rushed out of his study room.
- Get me my bag! - he shouted.
- Why, what's the matter? - inquired his pretty young wife.
- Some fellow just phoned and said he can't live without me - he gasped as he reached for his hat.
The young wife sighed.
- Just a moment - she said gently.
- I think that call was for me.
What is the best way to annoy your wife/husband during sex?
→ Call her/him on the telephone!
- Honey, if I died, would you get remarried?
- Well, I suppose so.
- Would you and he sleep in the same bed?
- I guess we would.
- Would you make love to him?
- He would be my husband then, dear.
- Would you give him my golf clubs?
- No...
He's left handed.
There are four kinds of sex involved in a marriage.
The first is Smurf Sex... This happens during the honeymoon; you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
The second is Kitchen Sex... This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, also in the kitchen.
The third kind is Bedroom Sex... You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
The fourth kind is Hallway Sex... This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say:
- Fuck you!
There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex... This is when you get divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court!
For those of you about to become first-time fathers, you should know something that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during pregnancy.
During the first trimester, you do it regular style. During the second trimester, you do it doggie style.
During the last trimester, you do it wolf style.
- What the heck is wolf style? - you ask.
That's when you sit by the hole and howl!
A husband and his wife advertised for a live-in maid to cook and do the housework. A likely-looking girl came in from the country, and they hired her. She worked out fine, was a good cook, was polite, and kept the house neat.
One day, after about six months, she came in and said she would have to quit.
- But why? - asked the disappointed wife.
She hemmed and hawed and said she didn't want to say, but the wife was persistent, so finally she said:
- Well, on my day off a couple of months ago I met this good-looking fellow from over in the next county, and well, I'm pregnant.
The wife said:
- Look, we don't want to lose you. My husband and I don't have any children, and we'll adopt your baby if you…
How do you keep a man from wanting sex?
→ You marry him!
- Husband: Honey, has the mailman come yet?
- Wife: No, but he's panting and sweating pretty hard.
- You know - a guy told his buddies.
- I'm a lucky man.
- I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I had to stay home sick from work.
- What did she do? - someone asked.
- She was so happy to have me home - he said.
- that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or milkman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!'
Marriage for women has its ups and downs. How?
The toilet seat is up and the hubby's sex interest is down.
I saw my old girlfriend the other day and she had her wedding ring on the wrong finger.
When I pointed this out to her, she said:
- I know, I married the wrong man.
