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Anniversaries and birthdays
Complicate my life.
I'm an absent-minded husband
Of a present-minded wife.

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

What is the difference between inlaws and outlaws?
→ Outlaws are wanted! or You can shoot outlaws!

What is the difference between a vulture and your mother-in-law?
→ Vultures wait until your dead to pick on you.

A person receives a telegram informing about his mother-in-law's death.

It also enquires him whether she should be buried or cremated.

He replies:

- Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes!

I just had the doctor remove an ugly growth from my back. It was my mother-in-law.

Happiness is defined as opening your refrigerator to find your mother-in-law's picture on the milk carton.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
→ Two mother-in-law's!

- Why Steve, you're so depressed today, what's the matter?

- Ah, well, I have had a quarrel with my mother-in-law. She swore to me she wouldn't talk to me for a month!!

- Then so bad about it? You should celebrate the event!!

- No, no, see...that was four weeks ago, and today is the last day...

Sign seen in a small restaurant:

Thanks for visiting. If you liked the food, send your friends. Otherwise, send your mother-in-law.

An elderly woman rushed up the stairs to the church, late for the wedding. An usher asked to see her invitation.

- I don't have one - she said.

- Well then, are you a friend of the groom?

- I should say not - snapped the woman.

- I'm the bride's mother!

A man was traveling down a country road when he saw a large group of people outside a house. He stopped and asked a person why the large crowd was there.

A farmer replied:

- Joe's mule kicked his mother-in-law and she died.

- Well - replied the man.

- she must have had a lot of friends.

- Nope - said the farmer.

- we all just want to buy his mule.

John looked up to see his mother-in-law walking toward the front door carrying a broom. "Tell me," he said to her, "are you going to clean house with it or fly away on it?"

My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking:

- What was that for?

- Nothing. DO something and see what you get.

I once got smacked and when I asked:

- What was that for? - my mom replied.

- That's for all the things I never found out about.

- If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me!

You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way.

This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank)…

A mother-in-law visits her son-in-law before leaving for a trip. They are sipping coffee and chatting.

Suddenly, mother-in-law looks at the clock and jumps off her chair exclaiming:

- My god! It's already three P.M. I'm about to miss my train!

She begins to put her clothes on in a hurry.

At this moment, the son-in-law's daughter runs up to her and before he can do anything and announces:

- Don't hurry, granny! Daddy moved the clock two hours ahead!

There was an American on a buisness trip in England. He got on a train, and was unable to find a seat. The man walked up and down the different cars until he discovered that an old lady's tiny dog was taking up a whole seat.

So he said to the lady:

- Hey, you think you could move your dog? I can't find a seat.

Now this wasn't a nice lady, so she replied:

- You rude American! My little poodles needs somewhere to be!

So the man walked up and down the cars again, looking for somewhere to sit. He came back to the lady and the dog:

- Look lady, I need somewhere to sit. Can you please put your dog on your lap?

Of course, the woman's reply was about the same as the first one:

Murphy's Laws Of Parenting...

A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.

A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Familiarity breeds children.

For adult education, nothing beats children.

God invented mothers because he couldn't be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

While critiquing a survey instrument intended for mothers of infants less than one year old, I came across the following question:

Have you ever breast fed your baby?
a) Yes...
b) No...
c) Don't know

"Don't know"? Huh?

A wise man once said that having children is hereditary.

Which is tantamount to saying: If your parents didn't have children, chances are you won't either.

My husband has always taken the time to make love to me in a very romantic atmosphere.

In fact, all our kids were conceived during Miller Lite commercials.

All children who entered the world in the 1980s and later were born with a special mutated gene that enables them to know which buttons to push on electronic gadgets.

The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.

- Everyone knows - the mother lectured him.

- that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool!

- Oh really? - said the lifeguard.

- from the diving board?!

From Reader's Digest, June 1992:

I grew up in a non-musical family; only one of our five siblings can even carry a tune.

So, I've restricted my singing to private places like the bathtub or the car. But one night, I softly sang a lullaby to my nine-month-old baby.

After the first verse, he sweetly looked into my eyes, removed the pacifier from his mouth and placed it in mine.

On his tour to the U.S., the Pope visited a couple who had been childless for six years, try as they might to have a baby. The Pope promised to light a candle for them at the Vatican.

A decade later, the Pope returned and dropped in on the couple again and found nine children romping around the house.

Congratulating the wife on her fruitfulness, the Pope looked around and asked:

- But where is your husband?

- Jim? - the haggard woman said.

- Oh, he went to Rome to blow out that candle!

After having quadruplets, the mother named them... Adolph, Rudolph, Getoff, and Stayoff.