A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a shotgun.
- It's for my husband - she tells the clerk.
- Did he tell you what gauge to get? - asked the clerk.
- Are you kidding? - she says.
- He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!
Yo mama so fat, when she plays hopscotch, she plays like this...
New York, Chicago, New Orleans, L.A.
When the husband came home from his job, he found his wife crying.
- Your mother insulted me, very much - she sobbed.
- My mother? How could she do that when she's on a vacation on the other side of the world?
- I know. But this morning, a letter addressed to you arrived. I opened it, because I was curious.
- And?
- At the end of the letter, it was written: P.S. Dear Catherine, when you've read this letter, don't forget to give it to my son.
A husband and wife were fighting about their sex life.
- You never even tell me when you're having an orgasm! - he yelled.
- How can I? - she shot back.
- You're never here!
My marriage is childless so far, except for my husband!
When we were dating, my husband used to always tell me those three magic words, "I love you". Now that we are married, those three magic words have become:
- What's for dinner?
When we were dating, my husband would gently rub me with hot oil while he affectionately called me lovely nicknames. Now that we are married, he gently rubs his car with hot wax, which now has its own pet nickname.
When we were dating, my husband would always love to watch me undress. Now that we are married, he loves to watch championship wrestling.
When we were dating, my husband read poetry to me as he caressed me in his arms late into the night. Now that we are married, he quotes me sports statistics and stock prices…
One way to live together and never have an argument is for both husband and wife to be hard-of-hearing... and to share the same hearing aid.
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
- Look at their reserve, their calm - muses the Brit.
- They must be British.
- Nonsense - the Frenchman disagrees.
- They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.
- No clothes, no shelter - the Russian points out.
- they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian!
Sign seen on the back of a truck:
Driver carries no money, his wife has it!
What does SWM stand for in a personal column advertisement?
→ Sneaking While Married
Why don't most women ever tell their husbands when they're really enjoying sex?
→ Because their husbands are never there when it happens!
What do most women miss most about being single?
→ Having sex!
Why is sex with your spouse like a convenience store?
→ There's not much variety, but what else is open at three in the morning!
Besides "I love you", what three words does a wife want to hear most?
→ "I'll fix it."
What's the best way to have your husband remember your anniversary?
→ Get married on his birthday.
Why are some married men like candles?
→ Because they occasionally go out at night when they should not.
A Jehovah's Witness knocked on the front door of a home, and heard a faint, high pitched, "Come In". He tried the door and it was locked, so he went around to the back door.
He knocked again and heard again the high pitched "Come In". As he entered the kitchen a large, mean, snarling Doberman met him. As he plastered himself against the wall he called out for help. Again, he heard the "Come In".
He slid down the wall to the living room to see a parrot in cage. He said:
- For Pete's sake, is that all you can say is 'Come In'?!
The parrot laughed and said:
- Sic him!
I think the only reason my husband likes to go fishing so much is that it's the only time he hears someone tell him, "Wow, that's a big one!"
James and his wife, Martha, are getting ready to leave home for a vacation.
Martha started out the door, then stopped, turned around, and said:
- James, this time you should go check to see if the coffee pot is off, television plugs are pulled, lamp timers are set, thermostat is adjusted, windows are closed and locked, burglar alarm is on, doors are locked, and I'll go wait in the car and keep blowing the horn.
A good husband is the light of his wife's life. But some wives are getting fed up with seeing their lights go out every night!
- Husband: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
- Wife: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
Tom and Jeni are having one of their occasional disputes of opinion. Tom took off his pants and threw them at Jeni, yelling:
- Hey, woman, can you fill these pants up?
- Of course not, you jerk. You know I can't.
- You're right. You can't. I wear the pants in this family.
So Jeni took off her panties and threw them at Tom, yelling:
- Hey, jerk, can you get into these panties?
- Hell no! They're too small and dainty!
- And you won't either, until you change your treatment of me!
- I'd like to buy some gloves for my wife - the young man said, eyeing the attractive salesgirl - but I don't know her size.
- Will this help? - she asked sweetly, placing her hand in his.
- Oh, yes - he answered.
- Her hands are just slightly smaller that yours.
- Will there be anything else? - the salesgirl queried as she wrapped the gloves.
- Now that you mention it - he replied - she also needs a bra and panties.
A clerk was showing a lady a very nice dress shirt and tie.
- Now this - the clerk said - is absolutely elegant. It is perfect for a man-about-town.
- Could be - the woman replied - but I'm looking more for something for a louse-around-the-house.
If you constantly hear a married man brag about how he runs everything around the house, you can be sure that he is referring to the lawn mower, the car, the errands, and the baby carriage.
