The doctor came out of the operating room to talk with the man's wife.
- I don't like the looks of your husband - he said.
- Neither do I - said the wife.
- but he's not home much, and he's great with the kids.
Down in Arkansas, they say that custom has changed little. Many a man still sleeps with a battle-axe by his side.
Dave Barry on your husband's midlife crisis:
If your husband is exhibiting signs of a midlife crisis, at first you should try to humor him. If he wants to buy a ludicrously impractical sports car, tell him you think it's a terrific idea.
If he wants to wear "younger" clothes, help him pick them out.
If he wants to start seeing other women, shoot him in the head.
The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the country preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an honest man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.
Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her children:
- Go up there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa.
Do you know what it means to come home to a man who'll give you a little love, a little affection, and a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house!
Why are complaints of married people like the noise of the waves on the shore?
→ Because they are murmurs of the tied.
"Okay," said the wife, "I'll admit I like to spend money, but it's the only extravagance I have!"
- We have a terrible time making ends meet on Bob's income. - his wife told her best friend.
- How do you two manage? And you even have kids!
- We get along okay - her friend said.
- You see, we work on our budget every evening. That saves us lots of money.
- Really? How can that be?
- Well, by the time we get it all balanced, it's too damn late to go anywhere and do anything!
Over the weekend, Steve bought a new car. He was so excited about it that he had to take a picture of it to bring to work with him to show everyone. The picture was a Polaroid snapshot of his wife sitting in one of the front seats.
Steve crowed as he showed the picture to co-worker Jim:
- It's got power steering, anti-lock brakes, cruise control and a driver's side air bag.
Jim squinted at the picture. Having never seen Steve's wife before, he asked:
- Who's that?
- Oh, - said Steve with a grin, - another feature, my passenger-side wind bag!
- Before I married my wife, - a husband once said, - it was nothing but wine, women, and song.
- Now that I'm her husband, it's beer, mama, and TV.
A woman married 35 years asked her husband on their anniversary:
- What were you thinking the very first time you saw me?
He replied:
- I wanted to suck those tits dry and fuck your brains out, dear.
She asked:
- And what do you think when you look at me now, darling?
- I think I did a damn good job!
- What's an orgasm, mom?
- I don't know, dear...ask your father.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
→ Sex is the same but the dishes are stacking up in the sink!
- You used to hold my hand years ago when we were courting, - she said as they were side by side in bed. He reached over, took her hand and held it.
- Then you used to kiss me, - she purred. He turned over, gave her a slight kiss and then rolled over again to sleep.
- After that, you used to bite my neck. With that the husband got up. - Where are you going? - she asked. - To get my teeth, - he grumbled.
A couple were celebrating their 30th wedding anniversary at their home.
Everyone was having a great time except for the wife who sat off in a corner with a tear in her eye. The family attorney came over to her and asked what was wrong. The wife told him:
- Remember when we first got married and I told you that I couldn't stand him after about a month into the marriage? I really hated him at the time.
- Yeah, I remember those trying times. - replied the attorney.
- I absolutely positively hated him. I even had bad thoughts of killing him, remember?
- Yes, I do.
- But you kept telling me to get rid of those thoughts. You said that I would get up to thirty years for such a crime.
My wife and I have an agreement that works... She is responsible for the small decisions, and I am responsible for the big ones.
This means that she decides things like where to take our next vacation, the color of our next car, and the construction budget for adding on the new family room.
I decide whether or not the President should extend most favored nation trading status to China, how high the Federal Reserve should go with short term interest rates, and the timetable for the elimination of CFCs from automobile air conditioners.
A male chauvinist tells his buddy over drinks:
- I called the local insane asylum yesterday to check on who has escaped from there recently.
His buddy asks:
- Oh? Why do you wonder about that?
To which he replies:
- Well, somebody ran off with my wife this week!
A hippy with no job kept begging his girlfriend to marry him. She protested for months saying he needed a job first. He always told her:
- We can just live on love.
Finally, she relented and they got married. The morning after their honeymoon, she got up and sat on the heater. The hippy asked:
- What are you doing?
She replied:
- Heating your breakfast.
The husband returns home one day and tells his wife:
- Hi honey, look, I've bought the new Rolling Stones CD.
- Why did you do that?! We don't even have a CD player! - replied the wife..
- So what... have I ever asked why you keep on buying bras?
A guy was walking around the office Christmas party belting down drink after drink. But every ten or fifteen minutes, he reached into his shirt pocket, pulled something out, took a look at it, then put it back in his pocket.
Finally, a friend came up to him and said:
- George, I've been watching you all night, and I have to ask...what's in your shirt pocket?
- It's a picture of my wife.
- Why do you keep looking at it?
- Because, - George replied, - When she finally starts looking good, it's time to go home.
Two friends are shopping in a drugstore when one of them tells the other:
- My husband says this brand here is the most effective ointment for hemorrhoids on the market today.
- How does he know this for sure though? - asked the other woman.
- Because besides being my husband who thinks he's always right, he's also an asshole himself.
To my dear wife,
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often.
You know you've been married too long when a "Quickie" before dinner now means a drink.
The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife
Top Ten Things NOT To Say On Your Anniversary
