He really loved her but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was up in his years and neither of them had ever been married. Of course, they dated about once a week for the past six years but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage, much less living together.
But one day, he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone:
- Judith?
- Yes, this is Judith.
- Will you marry me?
- Of course. Who's speaking?
Have you heard about the couple who got married in a nudist colony?
They wanted everyone to be sure who the best man was!
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests.
Asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained:
- I was just trying to be a good ring bear.
- 100 facecloths
- 25 darning needles
- any kind of keychain with something way too big to fit in pocket or purse
- bag of potting mix
- box of legal size hanging file folders
- bucket of sand
- cat door
- cellophane tape and staples
- dairy for 1991
- exquisitely wrapped house-brick
William Bennett recalls when one of his "radical students" at Boston University announced that he and his girlfriend were getting married for "as long as we feel good about each other."
It seemed rather temporary to Dr. Bennett, so for a wedding present, he says:
- I gave them paper plates.
A recent survey shows that the commonest form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're WHAT?!?!?"
True Story about my 14 month old grandson, Alex:
We took him to the local mall shopping one day, and used a 'kiddy harness' to keep track of him, since he's an active little dickens and loves to walk and explore.
As we stood watching the marvel of the escalator, a teenager headed up the stairs and said, quite loudly:
- Look at that kid, he looks like a little dog on a leash.
Alex promptly looked at him and said:
- Bark! Bark! Bark! Bark!
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
Teen says:
- Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?
Grandpa replies:
- Nope.
Teen says:
- Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?
Grandpa replies:
- A wedding ring.
What's long and hard and a Polish man gives it to his bride on their wedding night?
→ A last name.
There was this married couple who showed up for their honeymoon at a fishing resort on the edge of a beautiful lake. They arrived very early in the morning after a long drive and the man immediately went out fishing alone in a rowboat.
He returned just before dinner and then went out again until the sun fell. He then went to drink alone in the bar until midnight. The next morning, he awoke before five and was out again on the lake before the sun came up.
This went on for three days. The manager of the hotel started wondering about the man and took him aside.
- What's wrong? Most newlyweds can't keep their hands off each other. But you hardly spend any time with her. You're always out on the…
A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.
- William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?
- Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time.
- Wow, fifty dollars! - exclaimed the bride.
- the monks only used to give us an apple...
Wifespeak / Translation
- You want: You want
- We need: I want
- It's your decision: The correct decision should be obvious by now
- Do what you want: You'll pay for this later
- We need to talk: I need to complain
- Sure...go ahead: I don't want you to.
- I'm not upset: Of course I'm upset, you moron.
- You're so manly: You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
- You're certainly attentive tonight: Is sex all you ever think about?
Three honeymoon couples find themselves in adjacent rooms in a hotel.
As they are getting undressed, the first man says to his wife:
- What huge buttocks!
Much offended, she threw him into the corridor.
The second man, also undressing, says to his wife:
- Christ! What huge tits!.
She is also greatly offended and throws him out into the corridor.
Several minutes later, the third newlywed husband arrives in the corridor as well.
The other two ask:
- What happened? Did you put your foot in it?
A young couple got married and they've never made love before. On their wedding night, the new bride is quite anxious to get things going, but the man seemed to be having some difficulty. Finally, he starts to undress. When he takes off his pants, she notices that his knees are deeply pockmarked and scarred.
So his wife says:
- What happened to you?
The man says:
- When I was young, I had the kneesles.
He then takes off his socks and his wife sees that his toes are all mangled and deformed.
- Hmmm, well what happened to your feet? - inquires the wife.
- When I was a young boy, I had tolio.
So, finally, the man takes off his shorts and the woman replies:
- Don't tell me. Smallcox, right!?
This guy is getting married and he is a bit nervous since he is not too experienced. So he asks his best man to come along on the honeymoon and give a few pointers. The best man exclaims:
- Come on man, its your honeymoon, you're supposed to be spending time with your wife, not your best friend!
To which the groom replies that he has already paid for a room next door to his for the best man. After much coercion, the best man give in and decides to go along. They work out a system where the best man will pound on the wall and shout advice if he hears anything going wrong.
So the honeymoon comes and goes, and the bride and groom go to the honeymoon suite of the hotel, and the best man goes to…
These three friends, a Dentist, a Carpenter, and an Electrician were sitting around trying to decide what prank to pull on a mutual friend. Their friend was getting married soon, and his good buddies just felt compelled to play some prank, as all good buddies would.
After sitting around brainstorming for a while, the Electrician had a thought:
- I know! I know! I can wire the bed so that when our friend and his new bride sit on it and touch one another, they'll get a good shock.
The Carpenter perked up and added:
- and I can rig the bed so that when they get shocked and jump apart, the bed will collapse.
The Dentist just sat in silence, because he couldn't think of a thing to do.
In the middle of his honeymoon, the young hillbilly bridegroom left his bride back at the hotel and shows up at his parents house completely distraught. His father asks him:
- Son, why you not with you bride on you honeymoon?
The boy replies:
- Daddy I was jus' gettin ready to love my bride when she tell me she want me to know she a virgin. So I come to ask what do I do?
The father says:
- Boy don' be tellin me you don' know what do wid a womin, specially a virgin..
The boy says:
- Daddy, course I knows what to do wid a woman, but dis be ma wife.
The father replies:
- So what difference dis make?
On the eve of her wedding, the bride-to-be confessed to her best friend that she was worried about her husband finding out that she wasn't a virgin.
- No problem - said the friend.
- Just go out and buy yourself a nice piece of liver and put it up inside you just before you have sex. You'll feel nice and tight and he'll never know the difference.
She went ahead and followed her friend's advice.
On her wedding night, she and her new husband went wild. They did it in the tub, they did it on the floor, they did it just about everywhere.
The bride woke up the next morning and found her new hubby was gone and all that was left was a note that read:
On the first evening of their honeymoon, they are sitting on the balcony of the hotel while the sun is setting. She says:
- Honey, now that we're married, will you tell me what a penis is?
He almost fell off the chair when he heard her ask. So, being her husband, he led her into their room and took his pants off.
- This, my love, is a penis. - he told her.
- Oh! - she exclaimed.
- It looks like a dick, but only much smaller!
The newlywed couple asked the hotel desk clerk for a room and told him they just got married that morning.
- Congratulations! - said the clerk looking at the bride.
- Would you like the bridal then?
- No thanks - said the woman.
- I'll just hold him by the ears until he gets the hang of it!
The newlyweds were on their honeymoon when the groom asked:
- Honey, you can tell me. Am I the first man?
She looked up and said:
- Why does everybody ask me that?!
The morning after an all-night honeymoon extravaganza in bed, the newlywed wife snuggles up to her hubby and asks:
- Sweetheart, how many others were there before me?
After a few minutes of silence, the wife says:
- Well, I'm waiting.
And the guy takes a deep breath and says:
- Well, I'm still counting.
On the eve of his wedding night, a confused young man calls his father to ask him about his upcoming performance.
- Dad - says the son.
- what do I do tonight? I'm very nervous.
- Don't worry - comforts the father.
- It's all very simple. Remember that thing you used to play with as a teenager? Well, you just take that and stick it where your wife pees.
So that night, the now-confident young man takes his G.I. Joe and throws it in the toilet!
For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive.
The husband says:
- I'll just nip around by their window and see what they are doing. We can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!
Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect…
A man and his wife were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary at the same hotel in the same room where they spent their wedding night.
In honor of the occasion, she bought a $400.00 silk see-through negligee. After taking off her clothes in the bathroom, she realized that she had left the negligee in the suitcase.
Coming out of the bathroom to get it, her husband remarked:
- Geez, for $400.00, you'd think they could have ironed the damn thing!
