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A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him:

- So, tell me, how was it?

- Oh, it was beautiful - says the man.

- The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -

His friend interrupts him:

- A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?

- Oh - says the man.

- we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday...

This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face.

- What's the matter, dear? - asks the woman at the front desk.

- Well - sniffed the girl.

- He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and I thought he meant his money!

An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night after the wedding, he held up three fingers.

- Oh honey - said the young nymph.

- Does that mean we're going to do it three times?

- No - said the old man.

- it means you can take your pick.

A woman is on her honeymoon with her new French husband. She is giving him oral sex when the phone rings.

The husband answers it, to find out is his mother-in-law, asking for her daughter.

He says:

- She cannot talk rrright now, she 'as a frog in ze thrrrought.

My wife is so immature, every time I take a bath, she comes in and sinks my little boats!

In desperation, the young bride finally wrote to Xaviera Hollander:

I'm married to a sex maniac. My husband never leaves me alone. He makes love to me all night long, while I'm in the shower, while I'm cooking breakfast, while I'm making the beds, and even while I'm trying to clean the house. Can you tell me what to do?

Signed, Worn Out

P.S. Please excuse the jerky handwriting

Johnny and Betsy just got married after having graduated as Aggies and are driving to Austin for their honeymoon. Along the way, Johnny, who's at the wheel, reaches over and places his hand on Betsy's knee.

Betsy smiles and blushes, and says:

- Oh Johnny, we're married now, you can go farther than that!

So they drove to Laredo for their honeymoon instead.

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself:

- Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself:

- Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?

In the old country, it is a custom for women to enter virginal and sexually ignorant into marriages arranged by their parents.

In one particular case, an attractive young maid, from a very poor family was wed to a well-off, but relatively unattractive businessman.

When the wedding night finally came, the couple, at the bride's insistence, stayed in a hotel near her families home. Early in the evening, the harried bride came rushing through the door.

- Mother, Mother! - cried the girl.

- He says that we should sleep together!

- It's alright, girl, married people sleep together. Now go back before he starts to worry about you.

"Oh," said the girl, and returned to her husband who had already begun…

A Marketing Manager got married to a woman who had previously been married eight times. On his wedding night, his wife informed him that she was still a virgin. This puzzled the Marketing Manager since after eight marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomena.

Her comments were as follows:

- My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

- My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the previous evenings' events. The woman says:

- You are a terrible lover!

The man replies:

- How can you tell after only 30 seconds?!

The friends of the bride decided to give the newlyweds a tape recording of the couple making love on their honeymoon night as a gag wedding gift. They accomplished this by hiding a tape recording under the newlywed's bed that evening. Before they gave the recorded tape to her, they played the tape and heard her moaning to her new husband:

- That's happiness! That's happiness!

But her voice sounded funny and they discovered that they were playing the tape at the wrong speed.

When they slowed the tape down to the correct pitch, they were surprised to hear her shouting at him:

- That's a penis?! That's a penis?!

- How much for the room?

- Twenty dollars apiece.

- Okay. Here's $140.

On the wedding night of the newly wedded royal couple, they wanted to make sure everything was done according to proper etiquette. So she begins and says:

- Sir, I offer you my honor.

He replies:

- I honor your offer.

And that's how it goes all night. Honor, offer. Honor, offer. Honor, offer.

A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman's horse stumbles and jostles the man's wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes and says:

- That's one.

The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman's horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states:

- That's two!

He returns to his saddle and they move on.

A bridegroom, the first night he was in bed with his bride, said:

- When I solicited your chastity, if you had granted, I would not have married you.

- Faith, I thought as much - said the cunning lady.

- but as I had been cheated two or three times before, I was determined not to be fool'd again!

Two young couples marry the same day and, being all friends, leave together for honeymoon to stay at the same Hotel in Venice, door to door.

The next morning, the two brand new husbands step out on their balconies to have a breath of fresh air.

- So? How was it going last night? C'mon, tell me! How's your wife?

- Uhh, fine I guess, she's lying on the bed smoking.

- Jesus! My wife just got a bit sore...

The bride lay in bed on the first night of their honeymoon while her husband stood at the bedroom window, gazing at the stars.

- Come to bed, darling - she whispered after some time had passed.

- Not likely - replied the blonde groom, my mother told me that this would be the best night of my life and I'm not going to miss a minute of it.

A newlywed bride and groom had been busy at "it" for three days straight.

The groom arose early and was reading the paper, thinking it was time to do something else. When his bride woke up, he said:

- Honey would you like to see Oliver Twist?

His bride replied:

- You show me one more trick with that thing and I'm going home to mother!

- It's just to hot to wear clothes today - said Jack as he stepped out of the shower.

- Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?

- Probably that I married you for your money.

Jill tells her husband:

- Jack, that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving twosome.

- Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?

- Gosh - Jack says, why I hardly know the girl!

- Honey, I have a confession to make - a guy told his bride.

- I'm a golf nut. You'll never see me on weekends during golf season.

- Well, dear - she murmured.

- I have a confession to make too. I'm a hooker.

- No big deal - replied the groom.

- Just keep your head down and your left arm straight!

- I'm fed up with your jealousy - the furious wife told her husband.

- Do you think I don't realize you're having me followed by a detective who's tall, blond, has green eyes and is very nice, although a little shy at first?

Here lies my wife in earthy mould; when she lived did naught but scold.
Good friends go softly in your walking; lest she should wake and rise up talking.

Once there was a millionaire who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter that was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party, during the party he announces:

- My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here. I will give 1 million dollars or my daughter to the man that can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!

As soon as he finished his last word there was the sound of a large splash! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all his might, the crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking. Finally, he made it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire was impressed, he said: