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How do you tell the difference between the psychiatrists and the patients at the mental hospital?
→ The patients are the ones that eventually get better and go home!

Top Ten Signs your Local TV Weatherman Is Nuts

10. Every night, his forecast is:

- It's raining men, hallelujah!

9. Often asks anchorwoman to switch clothes with him.
10. Uses expensive radar equipment to track Michelle Pfeiffer.
11. "Satellite photos" look suspiciously like Polaroids of a desk globe.
12. Appears to have the first spring robin in his mouth.
13. Seen checking into a Motel 6 with a half-inflated weather balloon.
14. Every night he says:

- Lordy mama, it's gonna rain root beer tomorrow!

Some ways to make sure you get an interesting prescription:

1. Ask to borrow a comb, comb your tongue.
2. Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
3. Refuse to cooperate unless he trades his pants.
4. Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don't like.
5. After everything he says, say:

- And how does that make you feel?

6. Point at random things and say:

- Where did you get that?

7. Complain that his chair looks more comfortable.

An older couple were having trouble with their sex life, so the wife went to a sex therapist and was advised to try sexercises. He gave the wife a list of them to do each day.

Later that night as the couple were getting ready for bed, the husband went to take a shower and the wife thought she'd try out her sexercises. She got undressed and rolled back on her shoulders and placed her feet on the headboard.

About that time, her husband came out of the bathroom and looked over at the bed and said:

- For god's sake, Mavis, comb your hair and put your teeth back in. You look just like your mother!

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened.

The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it.

The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in…

This guy took his nymphomaniac wife to the sex therapist for treatment.

- This is one hot potato of a lady, doctor - he said - Maybe you can do something for her? She goes for any man, any age, any time, anywhere and it is just driving me crazy with jealousy.

- We'll see - the therapist said. He directed the wife into his examining room, closed the door behind her, and told her to get undressed. Then he told her to get up onto the examining table on her stomach.

The moment he touched her buttocks, she began to squirm and moan. It was too much for him to resist, so he climbed up on top of her and began screwing her.

The husband suddenly hears the moans and groans coming from the examination…

A guy went to his doctor full of anger.

- Doc - he said - I feel like killing my wife. You've got to help me. Please tell me what I should do.

The doctor thought for a moment.

- Look - he said - here are some pills. Take these twice a day and they'll allow you to fuck your wife six time a day. If you do this for thirty days, you'll finally screw her to death. And the autopsy will just show that she died of heart failure during sex.

- Wonderful, doc - said the grateful patient.

- I'll start with this right away.

He left with the bottle of pills and a smile on his face.

Nearly a month passed. One day, while on a medical convention, the doctor passed by the patient coming down the sidewalk in a…

A therapist told a woman to use some imagination while making love with her husband to spice things up.

She replied:

- You mean imagine that it's good?!

- I'm worried - said the woman to her sex therapist.

- I happened to find my daughter and the little boy next door both naked and examining each other's bodies.

- That's not unusual - smiled the therapist.

- I wouldn't worry about it.

- But I am worried, doctor - insisted the woman - and so is my daughter's husband!

A woman went to see a sex therapist with a peculiar problem.

- My husband - she said - always falls asleep with his erect penis inside of me.

- Is that a problem? - asked the therapist.

- Well - she said - the problem is he walks in his sleep!

A young couple left the sex therapist's office determined to develop more effective body language.

- Alright - said the husband - when I want sex, I'll rub your right breast. When I don't want sex, I'll rub your left breast.

- Okay - said the wife - What should I do then?

- Well, when you want to have sex - he told her - rub my penis once. When you don't want any sex, rub it 200 times.

A sex therapist was doing research at the local college when one of the male volunteers told him:

- When I get it in part way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can't see a thing.

- Hmmm...that's an interesting optical reaction to sex - said the researcher.

- Would you mind if I had a look at it?

So the volunteer stuck out his tongue!

A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000.

The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things:

• 1 screw $1
• Knowing how to put it in $4999
• $5000 total

The businessman never argued.

- What kind of job do you do? - a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her compartment.

- I'm a naval surgeon - he replied.

- Goodness! - said the lady - How you doctors specialize these days!

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and tells him:

- Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you.

- Give me the bad news first, Doc. - says the patient.

- I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.

- Oh my god! - the patient cries, breaking into tears.

- But the good news - the doctor adds - is that we had them biopsied and you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!

Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say:

• Oops.
• Has anyone seen my watch?
• That was some party last night. I can't remember WHEN I've been that drunk!

At an international meeting, two surgeons were having an argument. The Indian surgeon was saying:

- No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba

The African surgeon is saying:

- No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm

They go on like this for about 10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and interrupts them.

- Excuse me chaps, but I do believe that the word you are trying to say is "Womb."

After he has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says:

- I bet you he has never even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart under water!

Once I was sick and I had to go to an ear, nose, and throat man to get well. There are ear doctors, nose doctors, throat doctors, gynecologists, proctologists, any place you got a hole, there's a guy who specializes in your hole.

They make an entire career out of that hole. And if the ear doctor, nose doctor, throat doctor, gynecologist, or proctologist can't help you, he sends you to a surgeon.

Why? So he can make a new hole!

For years 'n years they told me,
"Be careful of your breasts.
Don't ever squeeze or bruise them,
And give them monthly tests."

So I heeded all their warnings
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
An always wore a bra.

After thirty years of careful care,
The doctor found a lump,

A young woman was in the hospital, recovering from major surgery. She hated being stuck in the tiny little room all day and to make matters worse, the daily routine was starting to get to her. Every morning, for example, the nurse would bring her breakfast (which always consisted of an egg, piece of toast, and glass of apple juice). She would then return a little bit later to empty the urine bottle. And so it continued...

Finally, one morning, she decided to have a little fun. She ate the eggs and the toast, but went to the bathroom where she cleaned the urine bottle out, then poured the apple juice into it. When the nurse returned later that morning, he took a look at the bottle and a frown…

Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you lose interest. - Prof. Irwin Corey

Love matches are made by people who are content, for a month of honey, to condemn themselves to a life of vinegar. - Countess of Blessington

I've sometimes thought of marrying, and then I've thought again. - Noel Coward, 1956

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. - Cass Daley

I'd marry again if I found a man who had 15 million and would sign over half of it to me before the marriage and guarantee he'd be dead within a year. - Bette Davis

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses. - Lord Dewar

An old man of 87 went to the hospital to get a radical new surgical procedure done where they stretch the skin and pull all the wrinkles up onto the top of the scalp making you appear years younger.

On his way out of the hospital, he met an old friend who didn't recognize him at first.

- Rob, is that really you? - said the friend.

- You look years younger. I didn't know you had a dimple in your chin.

- It's not a dimple, it's my belly button - said the old man and his friend laughed.

- If you think that's funny, take a look at what I'm wearing for a tie!

When my wife went in the hospital for surgery several years ago, a rule prohibited children under 12 from visiting patients. Our 11-year-old seemed to understand, but our six-year-old took the restriction very hard.

We discovered why she was so unusually upset when we heard her talking to her mother on the phone for the first time. As she said goodbye, she tearfully exclaimed:

- I'll see you when I'm 12, mom!

Did you hear about the two blood corpuscles named Romeo and Juliet?

They loved in vein!

Did you know diarrhoea is hereditary?

Yup...it runs in your genes!