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- Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?

- Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.

- Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken?

- Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

- Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards!

- Psychiatrist: Sit over there and I'll deal with you later!

- Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a dustbin.

- Psychiatrist: Don't talk such rubbish!

- Patient: Doctor, people tell me I'm a wheelbarrow.

- Psychiatrist: Don't let people push you around.

- Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm a curtain.

- Psychiatrist: Pull yourself together!

Dear Maevis,

I have become a little older since I saw you last and a few changes have come into my life since then. I have become quite a frivolous old gal. I am seeing five gentlemen every day.

Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention. When he leaves Arthur Ritis shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint. After such a busy day I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!

The preacher came to call the other day. He said that at my age, I should be thinking of the hereafter. I told him…

- Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking I'm invisible.

- Psychiatrist: What!...who said that?

A patient goes to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist gives him a Rorschach Test; he shows the patient a circle with a dot inside it and asks:

- What do you see?

The patient replies:

- Two people are having sex in the middle of a circular room.

The psychiatrist shows the patient another picture of a square with a dot inside it and asks:

- What do you see?

Patient answers:

- Two people are having sex in a square room.

The psychiatrist shows the patient one more picture of a triangle with a dot outside it and asks:

- What do you see now?

How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Only one but the light bulb must want to change!

Why do psychiatrists give their patients shock treatment?
→ To prepare them for the bill!

A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises:

- Chooo-Chooo... Whoooo-Whooooo...

- What are you doing? - enquires the doctor.

- I'm taking a train down to Barcelona - replies the man.

Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the mattress.

- And what are you doing? - asks the doctor, a little perplexed.

A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing ballet.

One of the psychiatrist asks:

- What are you doing?

She replies:

- I'm studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a productive member of society.

- Wow, that's wonderful.

The next person was a man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to him:

- What are you doing?

- I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can enter medical school when I get out.

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the tobacco up his nose.

The shrink frowned and said:

- I see you need my help!

The guy said:

- Yeah Doc. Got a match!?

A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He finishes up one session by telling him:

- Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and surprise them when they least expect it.

As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist picks up the phone and says:

- King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I now have the plans!

A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed.

He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine:

- I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!

The other guy looks at him and declares:

- I did not!

Seems about a year ago (1998) some airplane manufacturer employees decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747's.

They got it off the plane, out the gate and were having a good time fishing on the Stilliquamish. All of a sudden the Coast Guard Chopper came wop-wop-ing in, homing on the emergency frequency locator beacon that was activated when the boys inflated the raft at the river.

(Note: The boys are no longer with said aircraft company.)

What is the best thing about schizophrenia?
→ You're never alone!

A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place.

The bar tender freaks out:

- You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you...

The man begins crying:

- I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me...

The bar tender takes pity:

- Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?

The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank yous...

Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink.

The bartender says:

A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24.

- Nobody - comes the reply.

- Good - says the man - I must have escaped!

- Oh doctor - moaned the woman to the psychiatrist.

- Everyone calls me a nymphomaniac!

- I understand - said the shrink.

- But I'll be able to take better notes if you'll let go of my cock!

There were these three models going by air to a photo shoot, Elle Mcpherson, Cindy Crawford, and Naomi Campbell.

Halfway through the flight the plane had engine trouble, the pilot warned the girls to assume the crash position, just in case they went down.

Elle put on more make-up saying:

- They always rescued the beautiful ones first.

Cindy donned her jewelery claiming:

- They would rescue the richest one first - upon which Naomi, threw off all her clothes, pressing herself against the window saying:

- You're both wrong, the first thing they look for is the Black Box!

1. Never eat at a place called Mom's
2. Never play cards with a man named 'Doc'
3. Never get in bed with a girl that has more problems than you have.

In a great romance, each person plays a part the other really likes. - Elizabeth Ashley

Many a man owes his success to his first wife and his second wife to his success. - Jim Backus

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman. - Honore de Balzac

Honeymoon: A short period of doting between dating and debting. - Ray Bandy

Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. - Baskins

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting. - Milton Berle, when called to the microphone at the 2nd Annual Comedians Hall of Fame Inductions

A psychiatrist, who was just starting out, advertised his clinic as follows: "Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back!"

The man at the bar, deep in private thoughts of his own, turned to a woman just passing and said:

- Pardon me miss, do you happen to have the time?

In a strident voice, she responded:

- How dare you make such a proposition to me!

The man snapped to attention in surprise and was uncomfortably aware that every pair of eyes in the place had turned to his direction. He mumbled:

- I just asked for the time, miss.

In an even louder voice, the woman shrieked:

- I WILL CALL THE POLICE IF YOU SAY ANOTHER WORD!

Grabbing his drink and embarrassed very nearly to death, the man hastened to the far end of the room and huddled at a table, holding his breath and wondering how soon he could sneak out the door.