Latest

What a mother once told her teenage daughter about how it felt to have a baby:

- It's kinda like trying to pass a watermelon through a keyhole.

A California couple discovered the wife was pregnant, but the family simply couldn't afford any more children. They looked around and found an excellent Hispanic family to adopt the child. Then they found out she was going to have twins. Fortunately, a family of Arab Americans agreed to adopt the other child. Twin healthy boys were born and passed along to the families, who named them Juan and Amal.

The biological parents kept in close touch with the adoptive parents in a very amicable relationships. One day, Juan's family sent a picture of the youth in his baseball uniform. The biological mother was so proud of her son. She said to her husband:

The new mother got out of bed for the first time since her childbirth dressed in her robe and walked down the hospital hallway to the nurses desk where she asked for a phone book.

- What are you doing out here! You should be in your room resting - the nurse exclaimed.

- I want to search through the phone book for a name for my baby - the new mother replied.

- You don't have to do that here. The hospital furnished a booklet to all new mothers to assist them in picking a first name for their baby.

- You don't understand - the woman said and frowned.

- My baby already has a FIRST name!

A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off.

At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read:

- When your husband can read this without his glasses, it's time to get yourself to the hospital!

The Mammogram

This is an x-ray that has its own name because no one wants to actually say the word breast. Mammograms require your breasts to do gymnastics. If you have extremely agile breasts, you should do fine. Most breasts however, pretty much hang around doing nothing in particular so they are woefully unprepared. But you can prepare for a mammogram right at home using these simple exercises:

1. Refrigerate two bookends overnight. Lay one of your breasts (either will do) beetween the two bookends and smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Repeat three times daily.
2. Locate a pasta maker or old wringer washer. Feed the breast into the machine and start cranking. Repeat twice…

This kid walks into the pharmacy:

- I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and my buddies said you could fix me up for it.

- What do you want?

- Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know...

- What do you want?

- I need some protection, alright??!?!

- What size?

- Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess.

- That'll be $2.35 including tax.

- Tacks?! Tacks?! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says:

- I'd like 99 condoms please.

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says:

- 99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!

To which the guy replies:

- Make it 100.

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out.

The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to bust. The pharmacist thinks this odd and asks his assistant that, if the man returns, to follow him.

Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns.

- So did you follow him?

- I did.

- And...where did he go?

- Over to your house!

A woman walks into the local pharmacy and ask's to see sanitary napkins.

The pharmacist replies:

- We have mini-pads and maxi-pads, which do you prefer?

The woman asks:

- What's the difference?

Pharmacist replies:

- It depends on what you flow is like!

Woman replies:

- My flo? My flo is linoleum!

- When a customer comes into the shop, be very polite to them and try to put a little poetry into it when you're talking to them.

The youth says that he does not see what the pharmacist means by this, so the pharmacist says that he should observe when the next customer comes in and watch how he or she is dealt with.

Presently a middle aged woman comes in to the shop and asks for something for a tummy bug.

The pharmacist says:

- There's a lot of that virus going about, but this pink mixture should sort you out!

- Oh thank you very much! - says the middle aged woman and she leaves the shop.

So the pharmacist says the youth can serve the next customer while he goes to tea break:

A funeral procession was winding it's way to the cemetery on top of the hill outside town, when the hearse hit a bump.

The coffin was bumped loose, fell out onto the road and began sliding back toward town. (It was a steep hill) It slid faster and faster. Finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way down Main St.

Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin hit a curb, flew onto the sidewalk, smashed through the front glass window of the pharmacy, and slammed up against the prescription counter.

The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said..:

- You got anything to stop this coffin?

A funny story I know comes from someone's father-in-law who is a pharmacist. One of his customers complained that the capsules she'd been given weren't working. "Oh," he said, "You've been taking them the wrong way. You have to take them so that the green half goes in first." He said that she stopped by a week later to let him know that her medication was now working fine!

A doctor is to give a speech at the local AMA dinner. He jots down notes for his speech.

Unfortunately, when he stands in front of his colleagues later that night, he finds that he can't read his notes. So he asks:

- Is there a pharmacist in the house?

A duck walks into a drugstore and says to the pharmacist:

- Gimme a chap stick.

The pharmacist asks the duck:

- Will that be cash or charge?

The duck replies:

- Just put it on my bill.

The next day, the duck goes back to the drugstore and says to the clerk:

- Give me a box of condoms.

The clerk says:

- Do you want me to also put them on your bill?

A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says:

- Here's a pill for English literature.

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

- What else do you have? - asks the student.

- Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history - replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks:

- Do you have a pill for math?

The pharmacist says, "Wait just a moment," goes back into the storeroom, brings…

There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up.

The pharmacist said:

- What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am.

She said:

- I'm not sure, they're for my Camels, at which point he fainted.

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says:

- Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be a hell of a party.

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says:

- This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it.

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says:

- What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?

The guy replies:

A man walks into a pharmacy and goes to the counter. Standing behind the counter is a young woman.

- May I speak to the pharmacist? - he asks.

- Well - she replies - I am the pharmacist.

He looks very uncomfortable, and asks for a male pharmacist, as he has a "male problem."

She informs him that only she and her sister work at this particular establishment.

He blushes and says:

- Well, I really do need help, so I guess I'll ask you... I have a problem. I have a constant erection, and nothing I do seems to get rid of it. It's been like this for three months now. Can you give me anything for it?

The woman looks thoughtful, and says:

- Hold on, I'll go in back and ask my sister.

Outside a pharmacy in a busy street, a poor man is clutching onto a pole for dear life - not breathing, not moving, not twitching a muscle - just standing there, frozen.

The pharmacist, seeing this strange sight in front of his shop, goes up to his assistant and asks:

- What's the matter with that guy? Wasn't he in here earlier?

Assistant replies:

- Yes he was. He had the most terrible cough and none of my prescriptions seemed to help.

Pharmacist says:

- He seems to be fine now.

Assistant replies:

- Sure, he is. I gave him a box of the strongest laxatives on the market... Now he won't dare cough!

Proctologist: A doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.

Proctologist: A brain surgeon for lawyers.

Proctologist: the rare profession in which the M.D. starts out at the bottom and stays there.

Two proctologists are discussing their most baffling cases.

One proctologist tells the other one about the time he put his hand into a patient and pulled out a large bouquet of flowers.

The other proctologist looked really amazed and asked:

- Where did those flowers come from?

The other proctologist answered very cooly:

- How should I know. There wasn't any card!!

A doctor pulls out a thermometer from his shirt pocket. He looks at it and says, "Shit, some asshole has my pen!!!"

Psychiatrist:

1. Mind-sweeper.
2. Someone who asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.

Psychiatry: The care of the id by the odd.

- Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality.

- Psychiatrist: Nurse, bring in another chair!

- Psychiatrist: What is your problem?

- Patient: I think I'm a chicken.

- Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?

- Patient: Ever since I was an egg!