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There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.

After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.

- Doctor - she said.

- I have a very bad gas problem.

- A gas problem? - replied the doctor.

- Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er…

A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse was congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand like a basketball.

- Here's your baby, maam - says the doctor.

The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it up against the wall, picks it up and twirls it around several times, and then drop kicks it straight out of the 10th floor window.

Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and hollers:

- My God!!! What have you done to my baby?!?!!!

The doctor chuckles a little to himself and says:

- April Fools!!! He was already dead!

The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said:

- Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing.

Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.

- Och! - said the doctor.

- Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by... I think there's yet another wee bairn to come.

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

- Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad... It seems there's yet another one besides! - cried the doctor.

The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor:

What does the M.D. after a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand for?
→ Mentally deficient.

How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a redneck doctor?
→ He signs "his" name under "cause of death!"

A man went to his doctor and said:

- I want to be castrated.

- What? - said the doctor.

- surely you don't want that.

- Yes - said the man.

- that's what I want; I insist.

So, the doctor told him to check into the hospital. When he did he was stripped, laid on a cart, wheeled into the operating room, anaesthetized, and CHWOP! off they came. The next day, he woke up in a double room and, wanting to be socialable, asked the man in the next bed what he was in for.

- Oh, I was circumsized - the man said.

- Son of a bitch! That's the word I was looking for!

Four Catholic ladies were having coffee.

The first Catholic woman tells her friends:

- My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father.'

The second Catholic woman chirps:

- My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him, 'Your Grace.'

The third Catholic mother says:

- My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence.'

Since the fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence, the first three women give her this subtle:

- Well?

So she replies:

This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the fellow into his office and said:

- Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated.

The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor.

- All right, I guess I'll have the operation - he said.

When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician told him:

There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell. So he sees this cute nurse and says:

- How about a quickie for twenty bucks?

She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes. After the act, the old man says:

- You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would have paid you a hundred bucks.

In reply, the nurse says:

- If I knew you could get it up that high, I would have taken off my pantyhose!

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman:

- I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.

- Do you think it will work? - she asks the doctor.

- It's worth a try - he says.

So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says:

- Father, you're not going to believe this.

- What? - says the priest.

- What happened?

- You gave birth to a child.

Last year, a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight.

He found out he had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie with him on his next visit.

When he was being examined the doctor shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the therapy.

This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass.

Finally, after many visits, the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the…

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed:

- What was that?

Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said:

- I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied:

A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor:

- Doctor, my penis has been burning lately.

And the doctor said reassuringly:

- Don't worry son, that just means someone is talking about it.

A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They spotted the man and began to discuss his condition.

- Prostrate trouble - said the first doctor.

- Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I saw one - said the other.

They tossed it back and forth until one of them suggested going over to talk to the man.

- Mister, this gentleman and I are both doctors - said one.

- and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?

- Well - said the man.

A fellow went to the doctor one day and said:

- Doc, I have a problem. My penis is red.

Doctor replied:

- Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm...yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40.

The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadn't been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell.

His friend said:

- Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?

So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him:

- Doc, George recommended you...you've got to help me. My penis is blue.

Doc asks to take a look.

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

- Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.

The doctor reassured her.

- A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?

- On my balls!

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin.

Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.

The doctor told her it would cost around $500, but there was another way that would cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes.

After the "first night" of intimacy, the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.

- Simple... I tied your pubic hairs together!

How many men does it take to open a beer?
→ None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
→ Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
→ So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me..."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
→ You don't. There's a clock on the oven.

This elderly couple is sitting on a park bench if from of a large pond. Across the other side of the pond are vendors sell all types of food stuff. The wife turns to hubby and say:

- I could really go for an ice cream cone.

Hubby replies:

- Well, I'll go get you one.

Wife says:

- But, you'll forget, you better write it down.

Hubby replies:

- No I won't; what do you want?

Wife says:

- Get me a Strawberry cone with chocolate sprinkles.

It seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful; they come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it. Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

Neighbor asks:

- Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?

Ed replies:

- Well, it was...hmmm...let me think a minute... What's the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems...?

Neighbor says:

- You mean a rose?

Ed replies:

- Yeah, that's it!...(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor's name?

A woman goes to the doctor and says:

- Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.

She does so, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready.

- Well, what is it? - he asks.

- It's a bit embarrassing - she replies.

- These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.

Then he suddenly asks:

- Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?

A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office.

- You've been billing us for weekly house calls to Mr. Ivanov for the last six months. Haven't you noticed that Mr. Ivanov has passed away?

- Sure I noticed! He was my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetery.

Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said:

- I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said:

- I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees.

The third nurse said:

- Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer.

The fourth nurse fainted.

A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor's office and say:

- Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?

The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says:

- Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars.

They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.

On the fifth visit the doctor says:

- Why do you keep on coming back? I told you you're having sex properly.

The boy explains:

One Polish surgeon asks another:

- How did the operation go?

- The operation was a success, but the patient died!