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A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.

The lawyer says:

- For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.

The doctor says:

- It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.

The mathematician says:

- You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do some mathematics.

Three doctors are in the duck blind and a bird flies overhead. The general practitioner looks at it and says, "Looks like a duck, flies like a duck...it's probably a duck," and shoots at it but misses and the bird flies away.

The next bird flies overhead and the pathologist looks at it, then looks through the pages of a bird manual, and says, "Hmmmm...green wings, yellow bill, quacking sound...might be a duck." He raises his gun to shoot it, but the bird is long gone.

A third bird flies over. The surgeon raises his gun and shoots almost without looking, brings the bird down, and turns to the pathologist and says, "Go see if that was a duck."

I was twelve before I realized I could cough without having a doctor hold my balls!

And then there once was the doctor who was so conceited about his looks and charm that whenever he took a woman's pulse, he subtracted 10 beats to account for her being excited near him.

After making love, the woman said to the man:

- So, you're a doctor?

- That's right - replied the doctor smugly.

- Betcha don't know what kind of doctor.

- Ummm... I'd say that you're an anesthesiologist.

- Yep, that's right! Good guess! How did you know? - asked the guy.

- Because throughout the entire procedure, I didn't feel a thing.

After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced:

- Step back please! I've had a course in first aid and I'm trained in CPR.

The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder.

- When you get to the part about calling a doctor - she said.

- I'm already here!

At a major medical convention, a noted internist arises to announce that he has discovered a new miracle antibiotic.

- What's it cure? - asks a member of the audience.

- Nothing we don't already have a drug for - the internist replies.

- Well, what's so miraculous about it?

- One of the side effects is short-term memory loss. Several of my patients have paid my bill three or four times!

A man is talking to the family doctor:

- Doc, I think my wife's going deaf.

The doctor answers:

- Well, here's something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers. Then you'll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is.

The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says:

- Honey, what's for dinner?

He doesn't hear an answer, so he moves closer to her.

- Honey, what's for dinner?

Still no answer. He repeats this several times, until he's standing just a few feet away from her.

Finally, she answers:

From David Letterman

Top Ten Signs You're A Bad Surgeon General

10. You've got a pack of Marlboros rolled up in your lab coat sleeve.
11. You never appear in public without a half-empty bottle of Bacardi rum.
12. Morning, noon and night, you can be found wandering around in a hospital gown.
13. Always confusing defibrillator with fry-o-lator.
14. You thought "Chicago Hope" was going to be a hit.
15. Your medical degree is from that correspondence school endorsed by Sally Struthers.
16. Instead of flu vaccine, you recommend so-called "flu-proof socks".
17. You smoke like a chimney and drink like a Kennedy.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says:

- I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.

The husband, rejected but still quite horny, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

This time he whispers in her ear:

- Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?

From Late Show with David Letterman

Top Ten Signs You've Gone To a Bad Chiropractor

10. When you walk, you make a wacky accordion sound.
11. Keeps saying, "A spine is like a box of chocolates."
12. Repeatly asks, "You a cop? You sure you ain't a cop?"
13. Over and over, you hear crunching sounds followed by "Uh-oh".
14. There's a two drink minimum.
15. At end of session, lies down on the table and says, "My turn!"
16. He was nowhere near Woodstock and yet he's covered with mud.
17. Rushes in late to your appointment still wearing his Burger King uniform.

The widow takes a look at her dear departed one right before the funeral and, to her horror, finds that he's in his brown suit. She'd specifically said to the undertaker that she wanted him buried in his blue suit; she'd brought it especially for that occasion, and she was distressed that the mortician had left him in the same brown suit he'd been wearing when the lightning bolt hit him. She demanded that the corpse be changed into the blue suit she'd brought especially for that purpose.

The undertaker said:

- But madam! It's only a minute or two until the funeral is scheduled to begin! We can't possibly take him out and get him changed in that amount of time.

The lady said:

One woman says to another:

- I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist is so old!

The other woman replies with a smile:

- Yeah, I know. His hands shake all the time!

If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do gynecologists get?
→ Tunnel vision!

A young doctor just out of medical school announced to his wife that he planned to specialize in gynecology.

When she asked him why he chose gynecology, he said simply:

- There's lots of openings!

A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth wedding.

- Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?

- My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot be.

- Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it tomorrow.

- The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed!

The brash young gynecologist, fresh out of medical school, took one look at his voluptuous new patient and abandoned his professional ethics entirely. As he stroked the supple skin of her naked body, he asked:

- Do you understand what I am doing?

- Yes - the patient answered.

- You're checking for dermatological abrasions.

- Correct - the doctor lied.

Next, he fondled her breasts long and lovingly. Again, he inquired:

- Do you understand what I am doing?

- You're feeling for cancerous lumps - she ventured.

- Very astute - the doctor complimented, getting more excited.

He placed the woman's feet in stirrups, dropped his pants, and slipped his member inside her.

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied:

- I'd like to have some birth control pills.

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said:

- Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?

The woman responded:

- They help me sleep better.

The doctor thought some more and continued:

- How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?

The woman said:

- I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night!

What is the difference between a genealogist and a gynecologist?
→ One looks up the family tree and the other looks up the family bush.

What do you call a geriatric gynecologist?
→ A spreader of old wives' tales!

I recently attended a meeting of the International Singles Club here in Silicon Valley. I met a Chinese woman who was a dentist.

She had perfect teeth, which started me thinking: All dentists from all cultures apparently have perfect teeth.

So, I am looking for a gynecologist for my next girlfriend!

Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife After Her Ultrasound

1. Thirsty?
2. Where did the extra set of arms come from?
3. Why does it look so much like a lizard?
4. So, what are the characteristics of hermaphroditism?
5. Could we do that again? The nurse had me distracted.

Things Not To Do While You Are With Your Wife In Labor In The Delivery Room

1. Clip your toenails.
2. Read a Playboy magazine.
3. Tell the doctor that you want the afterbirth to have it bronzed.
4. Flirt with the nurse.
5. Watch a football game on your portable television.
6. Tell her how pretty and sexy she looks right now.

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies:

- Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?

The doctor answered:

- Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.

- I know, but can't you give me some idea? - she asks.

- Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...

- Like this?

- A little more...

- Like this?

- No. A little more...

I just bought some Gravol for my kids. It's even called "Gravol for Children". It has dosage information for children 2 to under 6 years, and for children 6 to under 12 years. There is no dosage information for anybody older than 12 years old. But there is the following:

Caution: Do not exceed the recommended dosage. May cause drowsiness. Avoid driving a motor vehicle or performing tasks requiring mental alertness. Avoid alcoholic beverages. Do not take if you have: glaucoma, chronic lung disease, difficulty in urination due to an enlargement of the prostate gland, or if you are pregnant or breast-feeding unless directed by a physician. [and some other cautions not quite so inappropriate]