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What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon?
→ He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

- Boss - he said.

- The pill actually worked!

- That's all fine - said the boss.

- But where were you yesterday?

You know you're drinking too much coffee when...

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of the month at the local coffeehouse and you don't even work there.

- Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

- You chew on other people's fingernails.

Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite ill blonde appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot.

The horrified nurse said:

- Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?

The lady replied:

- My phone doesn't have an eleven!

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

- Doctor - she asks nervously.

- can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?

- Certainly - replies the doctor.

- Where do you think lawyers come from!

A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times...

He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says:

- Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to make love more than 30 times!

The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said. He tells her what the doc told him.

She says:

- Oh my god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!

He replies:

- Yes, I already made a list on the way home; sorry but your name is not on it!

There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didn't work.

However, the doctor suggested:

- If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder.

The old man agreed.

The old man didn't see the doctor until they met at a fund-raiser a year later.

The old man says:

- Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant.

- That's good news - said the doctor.

- I knew the boarder would help.

- Oh - said the old man with a wicked grin.

This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests.

- Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test - the doctor said.

The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked:

- Are you alright?

- No - the old man said.

- This just isn't going to work - he dejectedly explained.

- There's no hope for me, I've worn out my left hand, I've worn out my right hand, I've run cold water over it, and…

I was sorry to hear that a friend of mine dropped out of med school. He really wanted to be a doctor, but just couldn't stand the sight of money.

- Patient: Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do you know what's wrong with me?

- Doctor: Yes... You're fucking crackers!

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed:

- This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!

The plumber waited for him to finish and then replied:

- Neither did I when I was a doctor!

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30.

He is persuaded to have a medical exam first:

- Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit - he says to the doctor.

- Okay - says the medic.

- let me see your sex organs.

So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him:

- I need my sex drive lowered.

The doctor, incredulous, says:

- What?? You want your sex drive lowered??

To which the old man replies:

- It's all in my head; I need it LOWERED!

There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few housecalls he stopped coming to the farm.

The puzzled farmer finally phoned him to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'.

The doctor replied:

- No, its your ducks at the entrance... Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!

Two country doctors out in the hills of West Virginia were discussing the population explosion in the world.

One physician says:

- Why, Bubba, thiseyer crazy birth thang isa gettin' so bad that perty soon, they ain't gonna be room for ever'body! There'sa gonna be standin' room only on this here planet!

The other doctor replied:

- Heck, that sure oughta slow 'em down a bit!

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.

As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet.

- What's this? - she asked.

- Taste it - he replied.

- If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!

Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was having affairs with his patients?
→ Yup, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country!

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
→ She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift!

How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes?
→ Pull down their genes!

The Vancouver [British Columbia] Sun, Thursday, 18 March 1993, page A13 lead headline "United States"

"Hospital costs prove 40% less in Canada by Daniel Haney, AP Science writer

Washington - Hospitals cost almost 40 per cent more in the United States than in Canada, largely because [...]U.S. hospitals are more expensive, in part, because the cases they treat are 14 percent more complex. [Dr. Donald] Redelmeier, of Wellesley Hospital in Toronto, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine] said this reflects social differences between the two countries."

- Frostbite of the nose is not as expensive to treat as a shotgun wound to the belly - he said.

A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the man he has bad news:

- You only have six months to live.

The man sits for a while thinking, and then says:

- There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to become a Communist.

The doctor asks:

- You've been a patriotic American all your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?

The man says:

- Better one of them should die than one of us!

A man speaks frantically into the phone:

- My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!

- Is this her first child? - the doctor queries.

- No, you idiot! - the man shouts.

- This is her husband!

The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.

The patient put it in his pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the baseball park, and once into the symphony.

He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from the boss. One day, he mislaid it. His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano, and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music.

What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?
→ A hematologist pricks your finger.

A medical student is taking a test and one of the questions he sees is:

- Name the three best advantages of mother's milk.

The student immediately writes:

- One: It has all the healthful nutrients needed to sustain a baby.

- Two: It is inside the mother's body and therefore protected from germs and infections.

But the student can't think of the third answer. Finally, he writes:

- Three: It comes in such nice containers.