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- I get so nervous and frightened during driving tests!

- Never mind, you'll pass eventually.

- But I'm the examiner!

- My tummy is getting awfully big, doctor.

- You should diet.

- Really? What color?

- You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.

- But, doctor, I am 80 right now.

- See, what did I tell you!

- Please tell me, doctor, am I getting better?

- I think so. But to be sure, let me feel your wallet...

A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to him:

- Look at the time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get yourself something to eat?

The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests.

- I'm a doctor - he says.

- I'm a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line.

The others say:

- You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the back of the line and wait your turn!

A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat…

After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in bed in her private room, as the doctor did his rounds.

- Tell me, how are you feeling now? - he asked.

- A lot better, thank you - purred the star in reply.

- But one thing does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?

- Oh, that's rather hard to say - said the doctor.

- I've never been asked that after a tonsilectomy before.

Death: What some patients do in the end, to humiliate the doctor.

Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died!

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said:

- I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.

- In that case - said the patient.

- I'll come back when you're sober!

Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for non-confidential distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of their perpetrator.

While implementation of any of these activities is not specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of common…

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.

- What sort of perversion are you talking about? - asks the doctor.

- Well - said the woman.

- I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it.

- Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter...?

So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright…

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:

- Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.

- That is very kind of you - said the doctor emotionally, and then added:

- Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change...

True story: About a week ago, I broke my ankle (in three places) and was in the hospital for several days. My first night in the hospital, after having surgery to rejoin my bones with pins and plates and such, I was in a great deal of pain and quite immobile. My nurse for that first night was a very nice 50ish lady with a strong German accent.

At one point in the middle of the night, she came in to give me a shot of morphine. She asked where I would like the shot and I pointed to my right thigh. I slid my blankets down and she lifted my gown.

With my gown raised, she uttered the words:

- Okay, small prick

and proceeded with the injection.

A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains:

- Doctor, when I wasn't married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and can't get pregnant.

- Well - said the doctor.

- It's possible you don't breed in captivity!

A woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be very embarrassed and uncomfortable.

- Haven't you been examined like this before? - asks the doctor.

- Many times - she giggles - but never by doctor!

A man comes to an Italian doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window.

- What does this have to do with my throat?

- Nothing, I just hate the neighbors!

One Polish surgeon asks another:

- How did that appendectomy go?

- Appendectomy? - shrieks the other.

- I though it was an autopsy!

My friend is so stupid:

• He sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
• He thought a quarterback was a refund.
• He tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
• He thought General Motors was in the army.
• He thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
• He tripped over a cordless phone.
• Wrote "Taurus" where it said "sign here."
• He thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

- If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:

- If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

- For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day

- Every time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car

- Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept…

A man swallowed a mouse while sleeping on the couch one day. His wife quickly called the doctor and said:

- Doctor, please come quickly. My husband just swallowed a mouse and he's gagging and thrashing about.

- I'll be right over - the doctor said.

- In the meantime, keep waving a piece of cheese over his mouth to try to attract the mouse up and out of there.

When the doctor arrived, he saw the wife waving a piece of smoked herring over her husband's mouth.

- Uhh, I told you to use cheese, not herring, to lure the mouse.

- I know, doc - she replied.

- but first I've got to get the darn cat out of him!

A man goes to the doctor and says:

- Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?

- I think that is a wise decision - the doctor replies.

- Let's see, do you smoke?

- Oh.. Half a pack a day.

- Starting NOW, no more smoking.

The man agrees.

The doctor then asks:

- Do you drink?

- Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

- Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday - she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

- I can't - says the woman.

- That's the only night I'm home with my husband!

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her:

- There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?

- Well - she said a little sheepishly.

- my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.

- That's got to be it - said the doctor.

- There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.

- Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't - she replied.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

- What are you doing here today?

- Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.

- Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

- Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

- [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., when she interrupted him:

- Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't you?

The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and handed it to her and said:

- There you are. Of course, if that doesn't work, we'll have to have you put down.