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While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup.

- How's your sex life? - the doctor asked.

- Pretty good - the man said, to the doctor's relief.

But then he added:

- I've had some strange side effects.

- What's that? - the doctor asked anxiously.

- Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on!

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves.

This happens a second time.

The third time this happens, she says:

- Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?

The man replies:

- Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!

Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this month!

An anesthesiologist is a doctor who works in the operating room to delay your pain until such time as you get his bill.

This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo with black tie.

The doctor says:

- I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and tuxedo before. What's the story?

To which the fellow responds:

- If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK im-potent!

There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after things while he was gone.

The vet asked:

- Is anything happening?

The doctor replied:

- Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her third and the first two went really easily.

The vet said:

- okay

and the doctor went on the fishing trip.

When he returned, he called the vet.

- How did things go while I was gone?

One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes later, John was ushered in to see the doctor.

- So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh? - the doctor said.

- The nurse must have told you - said John, wondering how the Doctor knew.

- No. It was in your urinalysis. - and the doctor continued to say that he had just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition with total accuracy based on the urine contents…

An old man goes to the doctor. The doctor asks for stool, urine, blood, and semen samples. The old man can't believe it. He takes all his little sample jars and goes home.

At home, he tells his wife that the doctor wants stool, urine, blood, and semen samples.

The wife looks aghast and then realisation spreads like the dawn across her wrinkled facial features.

- That's easy - she says, relief obvious in her voice.

- All he wants is your pajama pants!

For sale by Owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or the best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything!

You might be a redneck if...
You think the stock market has a fence around it.

You might be a redneck if...
Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You might be a redneck if...
You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said:

- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.

- You're a brave woman - said the dentist.

- Now, show me which tooth it is.

The wife turns to her husband and says:

- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.

As soon as the dentist asked the patient to sit down, he pulled out his wallet.

Seeing this the dentist said:

- Please don't, you don't need to pay me now.

The patient answered:

- Pay you! I just want to count my money before I'm unconscious!

A man walked into a crowded doctor's office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist asked:

- Yes sir, may we help you?

- There's something wrong with my dick - he replied.

The receptionist became aggravated and said:

- You shouldn't come into a crowded office and say things like that.

- Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you - he said.

- We do not use language like that here - she said.

- Please go outside and come back in and say that there's something wrong with your 'ear' or whatever.

The man walked out, waited several minutes and reentered.

The receptionist smiled smugly and asked:

Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked her to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this would happen.

So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on. She thought that maybe there was a problem with her.

The doctor told her he would give her a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did.

He told her to open her mouth and he checked it. Then he asked her to get down from the table and bend over. He then said to the lady:

- I know what your problem is, you have zactly.

The lady then asked:

- What is zactly?

The doctor said:

- Lady your mouth smells zactly like your butt!

After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the childless couple decided to try artificial insemination.

When the woman showed up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table and place her feet in the stirrups.

She was feeling rather awkward about the entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the sight of him pulling down his pants!

- Wait a minute! What the hell is going on here? - yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position.

- Don't you want to get pregnant? - asked the doctor.

- Well, yes, I do - answered the woman.

- Then lie back and spread 'em - replied the doctor.

This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says:

- I've just got to marry this woman, I love her so much...

So the doctor says:

- Well, it's risky, but okay.

So into the operating room they go for the brain removal procedure.

Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and says:

- We are verrrryyyy sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain instead of 50%.

The guy looks up and says:

- Mama Mia!

A man working at a lumberyard is pushing a tree through a saw when he accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He rushes to the emergency room of a nearby hospital where the awaiting doctor takes a look and says:

- Yuck! Well, give me the fingers and I'll see what I can do.

- I haven't got the fingers.

The doctor says:

- What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? This is the age of medical advances. We've got microsurgery and all sorts of incredible techniques! Why didn't you bring me the fingers?

- Well, heck, doctor. I tried, but I couldn't pick 'em up!

This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies about it.

- Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into your chest to make your breasts.

- Not really, I hardly felt it.

- Well, it must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!

- Nope, I didn't really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain!

There was a horrible mistake at the hospital. A man who was scheduled for a vasectomy was instead given a sex change operation. The doctors gathered at his bed afterwards to tell him the bad news.

- Ohhhh no!!! - the patient wailed.

- I'll never be able to experience an erection again!

- Of course you'll still be able to experience erections - replied one surgeon.

- only it will have to be someone else's!

A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.

- Excuse me - he said.

- have you lost something?

- No - replied one of the doctors.

- We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.

The Polish Medical Dictionary:

• Anti-Body - against everyone
• Artery - study of paintings
• Bandages - The Rolling Stones
• Bacteria - what to do when treatment fails
• Botulism - tendency to make mistakes
• Bowel - letters lik A E I O or U
• Caesarean Section - a district in Rome
• Cardiology - advanced study of poker playing
• Cat Scan - searching for ones lost kitty

A Code Of Ethical Behavior For Patients

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity.
2. Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get.
3. Try to suffer from the disease for which you are being treated. Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold.
4. Do not complain if the treatment fails to bring relief. You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may have experienced.

Nowadays there's little meaning
For a person to be gleaning
When a man attaches "Doctor" to his name
He may be a chiropractor
Or a painless tooth extractor
He's entitled to the title just the same.

Or perhaps he is a preacher
Or a lecturer or teacher,
Or an expert who cures chickens of the pip;
He may keep a home for rummies,