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A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

- Yes - the pet store owner said.

- this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions.

The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word.

- That's to be expected - said the pet shop owner.

- Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you.

Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned and said there still had been…

Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist.

As he leans over to begin working on her, she grabs his balls.

The dentist says:

- Madam, I believe you've got a hold of my privates.

The woman replies:

- Yes... And we're going to be careful not to hurt each other, aren't we...

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.

On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....

Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait…

What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have a sexually transmitted disease?
→ Having your dentist tell you!

One day, a man walked into the dentist's office for some dental work.

The dentist said:

- Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?

The man looked at the dentist and said:

- None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life.

The dentist said:

- Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller.

The man looked back at the dentist and said:

- I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare.

The dentist said:

Dr. Dave's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a simple yes or no answer.

Dentist begging the patient:

- Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

- Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time.

- There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game!

A dentist friend of mine had a T-shirt which said on the front: Let me put my tool in your mouth... and on the back: ...and I will fill your cavity.

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked.

While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him:

- Have you done oral sex lately?

The man replied:

- Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Have you found a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?

The dentist says:

- No, not quite. You've got some shit on the end of your nose!

What do you call a depressed dentist?
→ A little down in the mouth.

A lady goes to the dentist. In the chair, the dentist notices a little brown spot on one of her teeth.

- Aha, cavity! I'll have to drill this one out! - says the dentist.

- Oh no, I'd rather have a child!!! - cries the lady.

- In that case, I will have to adjust the chair first - replies the dentist.

- I have some bad news and some very bad news.

- Well, might as well give me the bad news first.

- The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.

- 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?

- I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

- I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell first?

- Do begin with the bad news, please.

- Alright. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS.

- Good grief! What's the good news?

- The good news is that there is no more bad news.

- I have some good news and some bad news, which shall I tell first?

- Uhhh, well, give me the bad news first, I guess.

- You only have one week left to live.

- Oh no! What good news can you possibly tell me now?

- Well, you know that really hot-looking nurse who just came in here? I'm taking her out to dinner tonight, and who knows where the night will end!

This guy goes to the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

- Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

- Well, give me the really bad news first.

- You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.

- And the bad news?

- You have Alzheimer's disease.

- Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!

This old man visits his doctor and after a thorough examination, the doctor tells him:

- I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?

- Well, give me the bad news first.

- You have cancer, I estimate that you have about two years left.

- OH NO! That's awful! In two years, my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???

- You also have Alzheimer's... In three months you'll forget everything I told you.

What's the best thing about having Alzheimer's Disease?

1. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
2. You are always meeting new people.
3. You never have to watch reruns on television.

- We need to get these people to a hospital!

- What is it?

- It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now.

- Did you take the patient's temperature?

- No. Is it missing?

- Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?

- No change yet.

- Doctor, I think I swallowed a pillow.

- How do you feel?

- A little down in the mouth.

- Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up a point or more?

- Sell!

- Have you ever had this before?

- Yes.

- Well, you've got it again.

- My hair keeps falling out. What can you give me to keep it in?

- A shoebox?

- Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

- Tell me about your problem.

- I just did, didn't I, you stupid bastard!!!!!