- Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to tell me if you find it unusual.
- Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.
- (shouting) What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!!
- (angry) Did you have to say it twice?!?
- I didn't! I didn't!
- I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, doctor. What are the chances?
- Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference.
Patient walks into a doctor's office.
- Doctor, people ignore me.
- Next!
- Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!
- So, since when did you have this problem?
- What problem?
- Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
- What pills?
- Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer?
- Not really. It will just seem longer.
- Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room.
- Tell him I can't see him now. Next!
- Doctor, there is a man in the waiting room with a glass eye named Brown.
- What does he call his other eye?
- Doctor, should I file my nails?
- No, throw them away like everybody else.
- Doctor, is there anything worse than being old and bent?
- Yes there is - being young and broke.
- My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in aluminum foil, what's wrong with me?
- You have far too much free time!
- Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.
- Really! What are you taking for it?
- (with a grin) Black pepper!
- Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed.
- You should cut down on drinks.
- I don't touch a drop.
- You should cut down on smoking.
- I don't smoke.
- You should stop taking drugs.
- I don't do drugs.
- You should cut down on womanizing.
- Haven't touched a woman in my life.
- In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and find a couple of girlfriends!
- Tell me, doctor. Is it serious?
- Well, I wouldn't advise you to start watching any serials on TV.
- What seems to be the trouble?
- Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
- What seems to be the trouble?
- Help me, doctor! Little Tommy's swallowed the can-opener!
- Don't panic. He'll be alright.
- But how do I open the friggin beans, the toast's getting cold!
The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:
- Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription?
- No need for that. You will find that in your bill.
- Did you know that there are more than 1,000 bones in the human body?
- Shhh, doctor! My dog's outside in the waiting room!
- Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.
- That's easy. Eat shit!
- Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!!!
- Okay, sir, you're an ambulance!
- My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
- Oh, really?
- Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
- How can I lose twelve pounds of ugly fat?
- Cut your head off!
- Look here, doc! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!
- I am, bit by bit!
Interns think of God, residents pray to God, doctors talk to God, nurses ARE God!
