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Why do accountants make good lovers?
→ They're great with figures.

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said:

- I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live.

The patient asked:

- Oh doctor, what should I do?

The doctor replied:

- Marry an accountant.

- Will that make me live longer? - asked the patient.

- No - said the doctor - but it will SEEM longer.

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

- Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night.

- Have you tried counting sheep?

- That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.

Two accountants are in a bank, when armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the accountants, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on accountant number one jams something in accountant number two's hand. Without looking down, accountant number two whispers:

- What is this?

- to which accountant number one replies - it's that $50 I owe you.

An accountant visited the Natural History museum. While standing near the dinosaur he said to his neighbor:

- This dinosaur is two billion years and ten months old.

- Where did you get this exact information?

- I was here ten months ago, and the guide told me that the dinosaur is two billion years old.

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called ship-ment but when you transport something by ship it's called cargo?

Can you repeat the part after "Listen very carefully"?

Why do you need a driver's licence to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Do steam rollers really roll steam?

What will fall on the lawn first? An autumn leaf or a Christmas catalogue?

What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
→ A blonde going through a flashing red light.

What does an aardvark keep in his aquarium?
→ An aard-shark!

Who loves hamburgers, French fries, and ants?
→ Ronald MacAardvark!

What is the difference between an aardvark and a coyote?
→ One has a long smeller, the other, a loud yeller!

What does the aardvark call his dog?
→ Aard-bark!

What is uglier than an aardvark?
→ Two aardvarks!

What's the difference between Windows 95 and a virus?
→ A virus does something.

What do computers eat when they get hungry?
→ Chips.

Redmond, WA --Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

This customer comes into the computer store.

- I'm looking for a mystery Adventure Game with lots of graphics. You know, something really challenging.

- Well - replied the clerk - Have you tried Windows 98?

A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message.

- Due to lack of maintenance - he read - we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account.

What did the egg say to the boiling water?
→ "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

What's the speed limit of sex?
→ 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

- I was married 3 times - explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner:

- and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.

- That's a shame. - said his friend:

- How did it happen?

- She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.

- Private - the officer said:

- I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.

- Warehouses? - the private shouted.

- I thought you said whorehouses!