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A jogger running down a country road is startled as a horse yells at him:

- Hey-come over hear buddy. The jogger is stunned but runs over to the fence where the horse is standing and asks:

- Were you talking to me? The horse replies:

- Sure was, man, I've got a problem. I won the Kentucky Derby a few years ago and this farmer bought me and now all I do is pull a plow and I'm sick of it. Why don't you run up to the house and offer him $5,000 to buy me. I'll make you some money cause I can still run. The jogger thought to himself:

- boy a talking horse

Dollar signs started appearing in his head.

So he runs to the house and the old farmer is sitting on the porch. The jogger tells the farmer:

There was a farmer who had a lot of live stock. He had cows, horses, chickens, pigs, and bulls.

One day a terrible twister came and the man and his family were only saved by throwing themselves in the nearest ditch. After it was all over, he looked up to see that the house was gone. Saddened by the loss, he went out to see if any of the animals had survived. The horses, chickens, pigs, and cows were laid out flat but the bulls were standing! The farmer was amazed and asked them:

- How is it that all the other animals are down and you are still standing?

The bulls replied:

- We bulls wobble but we don't fall down!

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says:

- You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud.

So the farmer takes him home and says:

- It's your first day so take it slow, okay?

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says:

- Roy, did you have to die?

Roy says:

How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Four - three to cut a hole in the roof and one to change the bulb.

A man calls the fire department and says:

- Yes, I have just had my front yard landscaped, I have a nice new flower bed, a new fish pond with a fountain and a new rose garden.

- Very nice, - the firefighter says - but what does that have to do with the fire service?

- Well, - the man answers - the house next door is on fire and I don't want you to trample my front yard.

A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work.
When confronted by his boss the man explained:

- You can't park anywhere near this place!

After the fire-truck arrived at a burning building in a small Spanish town, the firemen observed a man dressed in a matador's costume prancing around on the roof. Four of the firemen held a safety-net and urged him to escape from the burning building by jumping into the net. He refused and loudly proclaimed:

- I'm Fearless Jose the bullfighter who fears nothing, not even fire.

The firemen begged and pleaded but to no avail. Jose kept prancing around while repeating the same phrase over and over until the firemen got really sick and tired of hearing it. Finally, when the flames began to scorch his butt, Jose announced he had changed his mind, was ready to jump and then leaped off the rooftop…

The Fire brigade phones George Graham in the early hours of Sunday morning.

- Mr Graham sir, White Hart Lane is on fire!

- The cups man! Save the cups! - cries George.

- Uh, the fire hasn't spread to the canteen yet, sir.

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says:

- Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now.

The mexican man pleads with them:

- No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says:

- Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him:

- The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says:

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said:

- Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.

- Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies:

- I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care.

The second Englishman remarked:

- You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn.

So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said:

- Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!

- Oh really, hmm, didn't know that.

There were three Aggies; one crane operator, one pole climber, one guide. The guide tied the crane to the end of a pole. The crane operator would then pick the pole up on end. The climber climbed to the top and dropped a tape measure which the guide promptly read and noted the measurement. The crane operator then lowered the pole to the ground and repsitioned to pick up another pole. This went on several times when the foreman came over and asked why they couldn't measure the poles while they were laying on the ground? The Aggies replied, "we need to know how tall the poles are, not how long".

An Englishman, Frenchman, Mexican, and Texan were flying across country on a small plane when the pilot comes on the loud speaker and says:

- We're having mechanical problems and the only way we can make it to the next airport is for 3 of you to open the door and jump, at least one of you can survive

The four open the door and look out below. The Englishman takes a deep breath and hollers:

- God Save The Queen and jumps.

The Frenchman gets really inspired and hollers:

- Viva La France and he also jumps.

This really pumps up the Texan so he hollers:

- Remember the Alamo and he grabs the Mexican and throws him out of the plane.

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German:

- What do you want on your back for your whipping?

The German responds:

- I will take oil!

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican:

- What do you want on your back?

- I will take nothing - says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

- What will you take on your back? - the Amazons ask the American.

He responds:

- Fred: You've got a Roman nose.

- Harry: Like Julius Caesar?

- Fred: No, it's roamin' all over your face.

- Fred: You have the face of a saint.

- Jill: Really? Which one?

- Fred: A Saint Bernard.

What happened when the witch went for a job as a TV presenter?
→ The producer said she had the perfect face for radio.

Louise was watching her big sister covering her face with cream.

- What's that for?

- To make me beautiful.

Louise then watched in silence as she wiped her face clean.

- Doesn't work, does it?

What is grey and hairy and lives on a man's face?
→ A mousetache.

What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?
→ Big holes all over Australia!

What do you call an elephant that flies?
→ A jumbo jet!

Why did the elephant paint his toenails red?
→ So he could hide in the cherry tree!

- We're going to play elephants and circuses - said a little boy at kindergarten.

- Do you want to join in?

- I'd love to - replied the teacher.

- What do you want me to do?

- You can be the lady that feeds us peanuts!

What is the pink stuff between elephant's toes?
→ Slow clowns.

What is the Easter Bunny's favourite sport?
→ Basket-ball, of course!

Did you hear about the lady whose house was infested with Easter eggs?
→ She had to call an eggs-terminator!