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Did you hear about Mike Tyson's horse?
→ It got angry and bit at the champ!

Did you find my horse well behaved?
→ Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!

As horses say to one another.
Any friend of yours is a palomino!

A stallion and a mare where due to get married, but the stallion didn't show up at the church.
He got colt feet

- Will I ever be able to race my horse again - the owner asked the vet.

The vet replied:

- You certainly will, and you'll probably beat her too!

Three men died in a car accident and met Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.

The Lord spoke unto them saying:

- I will ask you each a simple question. If you tell the truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you lie....

Hell is waiting for you.

To the first man the Lord asked:

- How many times did you cheat on your wife?

The first man replied:

- Lord, I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.

The Lord replied:

- Very good! Not only will I allow you in, but for being faithful to your wife I will give you a huge mansion and a limo for your transportation.

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know.

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a…

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him:

- What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said:

- A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said:

- Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.

The Lawyer said:

- Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

- Sure - GOD says.

- Go right ahead.

- OK - the man says.

- Why did you make women so pretty?

GOD says:

- So you would like them.

- OK - the guy says.

- But how come you made them so beautiful?

- So you would LOVE them - GOD replies.

- Teacher: What did the Indians bring to the first Thanksgiving?

- Student: Baseballs.

- Teacher: Baseballs?

- Student: Yeah, they were Cleveland Indians!

- You know an ancestor of mine came over on the Mayflower.

- Really? Which rat was he?

What did General Patton do on Thanksgiving?
→ He gave tanks.

What did George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, and Christopher Columbus all have in common?
→ They were all born on holidays.

- Woman: Why are you begging for a quarter?

- Beggar: I didn't think someone like you would give me a dollar.

two mates at a pub having a beer when the bald one starts complaining about being bald. the other guy says to have a transplant operation. the bald guy says he cant afford it. so his mate says to go and have some rabbits tattooed on his head. The bald guy says how will that help? His mate says well from a distance they will look like hares. (hairs)

A little girl climbed into her grandfather's lap and studied his white, balding head. She ran her fingers along the deep wrinkles and road mapped his face and neck.

- Did god make you? - she asked.

- yes - he answered.

- did god makeme, to? - she wondered.

- yes - he replied.

- well, she shrugged - don't you think he's doing a better job now than he used to?

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair.

- I'm goin' to buy a green tie to wear for the parade - he said.

- I'll be back in a few minutes.

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said:

- Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you.

- That wasn't my daddy - said the boy.

- He just walked up, took me by the hand and said:

- Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!

A man enters a barber shop for a shave.

While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

- I have just the thing - says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer.

- Just place this between your cheek and gum.

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech:

- And what if I swallow it?

- No problem - says the barber.

- Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.

What did the really ugly man do for a living?
→ He posed for Halloween masks.

What happened to the girl who wore a mouse costume to her Halloween party?
→ The cat ate her.

Why are teachers happy at Halloween parties?
→ Because there's lots of school spirit!

Why did the wizard wear a yellow robe to the Halloween party?
→ He was going as a banana.

What do witches eat at Halloween?
→ Spook-etti, Halloweenies, Devil's food cake and Boo-berry pie.

What do you get when you put an experimental monkey in a blender?
→ Rhesus Pieces.

Why are gorillas so noisy?
→ They were raised in a zoo!