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Why did the gorilla fall out of the tree?
→ Because it was dead.

What's black and dangerous and lives in a tree?
→ A gorilla with a machine gun.

A man walks outside to his car for work, when he notices a gorilla in his tree. He rushs to his phone book and finds the animal control number, calls and asks them to send over someone who's a gorilla expert.

When the man arrives, he is carrying a shotgun, a chihuahua and a pair of handcuffs. The man says:

- What are all of those for?

The animal control officer says:

- I'll climb up in the tree, knock the gorilla down, the dog will bite him in the nuts and you must slap the handcuffs on his wrists.

The man asks:

- What is the gun for?

The animal control officer responds:

- If I fall first, you shoot the dog!

Why did the ghost work at Scotland Yard?
→ He was the Chief In-Spectre.

Why did the ghost go to the funfair.
→ He wanted to go on the rollerghoster.

What do you call a ghost that stays out all night?
→ Afresh air freak.

What did the papa ghost say to the baby ghost.
→ Fasten your sheet belt.

How did the ghost song-and-dance act make a living?
→ By appearing in television spooktaculars.

What do you call a rich frog ?
→ A golf blooded reptile !

How do frogs manage to lay so many eggs ?
→ They sit eggsaminations !

- I'd like a new frog, please.

- But you bought one only yesterday. What happened?

- It Kermit-ted suicide.

What do you call a frog with no hind legs?
→ Unhoppy!!

A librarian was quietly working when three chickens walked in and jumped on to the counter eyed her and said:

- BUK BUK BUK

Not sure she was sane she gave the chikens three books and they left.

An hour later in walked the chickens again jumped onto the counter, returned the books they had taken earlier and said:

- BUK BUK BUK

Now convinced she was out of her mind she gave them three books, they took one each and left. This time she decided to follow them. She followed them down to the local pond and stood horrified as they threw the books into the water.

All of a sudden they flew back out of the pond and a frog stuck it's head up saying:

- RREDIT RREDIT RREDIT!

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

- Oh, I really don't care or mind, - said the waiter with a smile.

- We don't even have an air conditioner.

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant.
First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

- Oh, I really don't care or mind, - said the waiter with a smile.

- We don't even have an air conditioner.

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter took out two steaks, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that:

- When are you going to learn to be polite?

- Bill: If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?

- Tom: The smaller piece, of course.

- Bill: What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?

What did the salt say to the pepper?
→ Hey Baby, what's SHAKING!

It was well known that a certain lake was very poor for fishing up north, but a game warden happened to notice that one guy kept coming home with his limit of fish on several occations. He asked the guy:

- How is it that you are catching fish out of that lake when no one else can?

The guy replied:

- Well I am going back up there tommorow, why don't you come along? And, so the warden did. They were in the boat when the fisherman reached over and lit a stick of dynamite and then tossed it overboard. BOOM!!! There were fish floating to the surface all over! The game warden freaked out, and said:

- You can't do that! That's illeagal! The fisherman reached over and lit another stick and said:

What did the fish say when he hit the concrete wall?
→ Damn

What do you catch when you go ice fishing?
→ A cold

If you're fishing on ice, you should never tell a joke on ice. WHY???
→ The ice will crack up!

Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.
Bob can't believe it, he yells over:

- whats your secret?

- woogatkakeptewrwm - he answers back.

- what did you say? - replies Bob.

The man spits a large ball of worms on the ice and says to Bob:

- you have to keep your worms warm.

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the…

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said:

- Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?

To which the farmer replied:

- Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!