The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety.
- Private - the officer said
- I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.
- Warehouses? - the private shouted.
- I thought you said whorehouses!
Two Marines were sitting around talking one day.
The first Marine asked the second Marine:
- If they were to drop a bomb right now, what would be the first thing you would do?
The second Marine said:
- I would screw the first thing that moved. What would you do?
The first Marine replied:
- I would stand very still for half an hour.
An old man approaches the window of a cinema with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies:
- Well, my pet chicken, of course!
- I'm sorry, - The girl tells him.
- We can't allow animals in the cinema.
The man goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his trousers. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the cinema, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his trousers so the chicken can stick it's head out and watch the film. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified.
She elbows her friend Agnes and whispers:
What did the dinosaur say when he saw the volcano explode?
→ What a lavaly day!
What's green and purple and goes up and down?
→ Barney in an elevator.
How did the dinosaur feel after he ate a pillow?
→ Down in the mouth!
What do you get when dinosaurs crash their cars?
→ Tyrannosaurus wrecks!
Why doesn't the dinosaur cross the road anymore?
→ Because their eggs stink. (They're extinct)
A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said:
- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.
- You're a brave man, - said the dentist.
- Now, show me which tooth it is.
The husband turns to his wife and says:
- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.
- I came in to make an appointment with the dentist. - said the man to the receptionist.
- I'm sorry sir. - she replied.
- He's out right now, but...
- Thank you, - interrupted the obviously nervous prospective patient.
- When will he be out again?
- Dentist: I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes.
- Patient: And how much will it cost?
- Dentist: It's $90.00.
- Patient: $90.00 for just a few minutes work???
- Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like.
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.
- Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
- Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging.
- Dentist: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?
- Patient: Why? Doctor, it wasn't all that bad this time.
- Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game.
What's the difference between a very old, shaggy Yeti and a dead bee?
→ One's a seedy beast and the other's a deceased bee.
Sam was on his death bed, and his wife and children were gathered around him. Suddenly the aroma of chopped liver filled the room.
Sam perked up a bit and said to his wife:
- That's it, one last time before I die I must have some of your delicious chopped liver.
Sam's wife looked at him sadly and said:
- Sorry Sam, it's for after.
A woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's funeral. She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a dark blue suit.
He asks:
- Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's wearing?
But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to buy one.
When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he is wearing a beautiful blue suit. She tells the director how much she loves the suit and asks how much it cost.
He says:
- Actually, it didn't cost anything. The funniest thing happened. As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit. I noticed that they were…
A Packer fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Lambeau Field, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was. The guy said, "Yes, that's my wife's seat. We have never missed a game since the Lombardi days, but now my wife is dead." The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad he couldn't find some relative to give the ticket to so they could enjoy the game together... "Oh no," the guy said, "they're all at the funeral."
A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published. After the editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word, she pauses, reflects and then says:
- Well, then, let it read 'Fred Brown died'.
Confounded at the woman's thrift, the editor stammers that there is a 7-word minimum for all obituaries. The woman pauses again, counts on her fingers and replies:
- In that case, 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale'.
- Andy: Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, all dancing in a row.
- Doctor: Hold it, Andy. That doesn't sound so terrible.
- Andy: Oh yeah? In the dream, I was the third girl from the end.
Where do tired linedancers go for Breakfast?
→ Ihop
What do you call a one legged linedancer?
→ Eileen (I Lean)
What do you call two line dancers doing the dance Shoot the Rooster?
→ A Pair of Shoot (parachute)
What do you have when only one line dancer comes to your party?
→ A One Liner!
Why do they put a suicide watch on death row prisoners? Why would you care if a man you're planning to kill anyway, kills himself?
Does it spoil the fun?
I also think about the death row prisoner in Texas who, on the day before his execution, managed to take a drug overdose. They rushed him to a hospital, saved his life, then brought him back to prison and killed him.
Apparently, just to anger him.
A prisoner at the Edmonton Max started training a large fly to do tricks.
For years, for thousands of hours, he worked with the insect. It learned to walk across a miniature high wire, ride a tiny one-wheel bike, balance on a pair of stilts and sing songs from PHANTOM OF THE OPERA.
- When you and I get out of here, - the jailbird said to the fly, - we're going to tour the nightspots and make a fortune.
Finally the day arrived. Fly safely tucked away in his pocket, (inside its matchbox home), the ex-con made his way to a bar to celebrate.
At the bar, he brought out his trick fly. On cue, it started moonwalking.
- What about this fly, eh? - he said to the bartender.
