Yesterday, scientists in the United States revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, they fed one hundred men twelve pints of beer and observed that 100% of them started talking nonsense and couldn't drive.
John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.
When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.
- How did you like that jump, buddy? - said a proud John to a deck hand.
- It was great - said the sailor.
- But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!
A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
The bartender asks the seal:
- What's your pleasure?
The seal replies:
- Anything but Canadian Club.
John & Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said:
- I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away.
Just then Jessica said:
- I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said:
- Sir your license has expired.
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said:
- I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you…
A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk.
Wanting to help, he asked the drunk:
- do you live here?
- Yep.
- Would you like me to help you upstairs?
- Yep.
When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked:
- Is this your floor?
- Yep.
Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk:
A man walks into a bar and says:
- Bartender, give me two shots.
Bartender says:
- You want them both now or one at a time?
The guy says:
- Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here - and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.
The bartender asks:
- He can drink?
- Oh, sure. He can drink.
So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked:
- Say, father, what causes arthritis?
- Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.
- Well I'll be. - the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized:
- I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did…
A man walks into a bar, and as he makes his way to the counter, he stops and talks to everyone in the bar. As he finishes with each group of people, they all get up and leave and go stand outside the window, looking in. Finally, the bar is empty except for this guy and the bartender. The man walks up to the counter, and says to the bartender:
- I bet you $1,000 that I can spray beer from my mouth into a shot glass from thirty feet away, and not get any outside the glass.
The bartender thinks that this guy is a nutcase, but he wants his $1,000, so he agrees. The bartender gets out a shot glass, paces off thirty feet, and the contest begins. The man sprays beer all over the bar. He doesn't even…
A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it.
The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.
Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger:
- Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!
- So? - asked the ducks former owner.
- did you remember to light the candle under the pot?
A neutron walks into a bar.
- I'd like a beer - he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
- How much will that be? - asks the neutron.
- For you? - replies the bartender.
- no charge
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
- You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin!
- Alcohol is the blood of the devil!
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
- How do you know this, Sister?
- My Mother Superior told me so.
- But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?
- Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself
- Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life
Two guys were in a bar, and they were both watching the television when the news came on.
It showed a guy on a bridge who was about to jump, obviously suicidal.
- I'll bet you $10 he'll jump - said the first guy.
- Bet you $10 he won't - said the second guy.
Then, the guy on the television closed his eyes and threw himself off the bridge. The second guy hands the first guy the money.
- I can't take your money - said the first guy.
- I cheated you. The same story was on the five o'clock news.
- No, no. Take it - said the second guy.
- I saw the five o'clock news too. I just didn't think the guy was dumb enough to jump again!
A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained:
- I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.
- Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk! - she screamed.
- Funny - he muttered.
- you even sound exactly like her.
The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says:
- Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.
So the Doberman says:
- I love liver and cheese.
The Collie replies:
- That's not good enough.
The Bulldog says:
- I hate liver and cheese.
She says:
- That's not creative enough.
A number twelve walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.
- Sorry I can't serve you - states the barman.
- Why not?! - asks the number twelve with anger showing in its voice.
- You're under 18 - replies the barman.
A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
- Why, of course - comes the reply.
The first man then asks:
- Where are you from?
- I'm from Ireland - replies the second man.
The first man responds by saying:
- You don't say. I'm from Ireland too. Let's have another round to Ireland.
- Of course - replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks:
- Where in Ireland are you from?
A guy walks into a bar carrying a pair of jumper cables. He sets 'em down on the bar. And then the bartender said "Now dont you start anything!!"
Two men who are out walking their dogs meet on a street corner. One says to the other:
- Boy it sure is hot today. I'd really like to go into the bar and get a beer, but the sign on the front door says, 'No Pets Allowed,' and I can't leave Fido alone on the street.
The other man replies:
- No problem, just stand by the door and watch me, and you'll be having that beer real soon!
The second man reaches into his pocket and puts on a pair of dark sunglasses, and then walks into the bar.
The bartender looks up and says:
- Hey buddy, you can't bring that dog in here!
The man says:
- But I'm blind, and this is my seeing-eye dog!
The bartender says:
Last New Year's Eve, one woman stood up at the local tavern and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
It was embarrassing. The bartender was almost crushed to death.
A pirate was talking to a "land-lubber" in a bar. The land-lubber noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands, and a patch over one eye. The land-lubber just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.
He asked the pirate:
- How did you loose your leg?
The pirate responded:
- I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!
His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked:
- What about you hand. Did you lose it at the same time?
- No - answered the pirate.
- I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.
Finally, the land-lubber asked:
- Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'? - asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
- Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much - answered the equally wasted gent.
- Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!
An Indian, a Rabbi, the Pope, an Italian, and an Irishman all walk into a bar together and sit down. The bartender looks at all 5 of them and says, "What is this... some kind of joke?"
At the end of the night a man leaves the bar.
Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face.
Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.
He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says:
- not so tough tonight, are you Batman?
A guy walks into a bar with a dog under his arm, puts the dog on the bar and announces that the dog can talk and that he has $100 he's willing to bet anyone who says he can't.
The bartender quickly takes the bet and the owner looks at the dog and asks:
- What's the thing on top of this building which keeps the rain from coming inside?
The dog answers:
- ROOF.
The bartender says:
- Who are you kidding? I'm not paying.
The dogs owner says:
- How about double or nothing and I'll ask him something else.
The bartender agrees and the owner turns to the dog and asks:
A snail goes into a bar and orders a beer.
The barman says:
- Sorry we don't serve snails
and throws him out.
A couple of weeks later the snail goes into the bar again and says...
- What did you do that for!
