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The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer. After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said:

- Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said:

- I do. Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said:

- I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and made him drink it, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said:

- Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create…

- Didja hear the news? - asked Keenan of his pal at the saloon.

- Harrigan drank so much, his wife left him!

- Bartender! Give me six boilermakers!!

Monahan stumbled into a saloon, half crocked.

- Say - he said to the bartender, how tall is a penguin?

- About two and a half feet.

- Thank God! - cried Monahan.

- I thought I ran over a nun!

The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs.

- Now don't let me ever see your face again - said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go.

- I'm afraid I can't promise that, sir - said the released man.

- And why not?

- Because I'm the barman at your regular pub!

Barty and Dunny met in a pub and discussed the illness of a friend named Hogan.

- Poor Micheal Hogan! Faith, I'm afraid he's goin' to die.

- Shure, an' why would he be dyin'? - asked the other.

- Ah, he's gotten so thin. You're thin enough, and I'm thin -- but by my soul, Micheal Hogan is thinner than both of us put together.

A drunken man was wondering around the parking lot of a bar, bumping into every car and then rubbing the roofs of the cars.

The manager comes out of the bar and stops the guy.

- What the heck are you doing? - he asks the drunk.

- I'm looking for my car, and I can't find it.

- So how does feeling the roof help you? - He asked the drunk.

- Well - the drunk replied, MY car has two blue lights and a siren on the roof!!

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them:

- We don't serve your kind in here.

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him:

- Why not? We're cultured individuals.

Two men walked into a bar.

You would think at least one of them would have ducked.

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.

The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

- What's so funny? - the bartender asked.

- That stupid Dave! - the fellow chortled.

- He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at three in the morning, at which time he is extremely drunk. After leaving the bar, he returns home on foot.

When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tip-toeing up the stairs. Half-way up the stairs though, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his back. That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets, and they broke; the broken glass carved up his back terribly. Yet, he was so drunk that he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he noticed blood, so he checked…

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says:

- Do you know your monkey stole my beer.

The pianist replies:

- No, but if you hum it, I'll play it.

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait box. She says:

- I want you to see this.

She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear:

- what do you have to say about this experiment?

He responds by saying:

- If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked:

- What do you have in there, pal?

- A mongoose.

- What for?

- Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection.

- But - the friend said - you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes.

- That's okay - said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box.

- So is the mongoose.

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

- Are you Mr. Johnson? - the asked?

He admitted that he was.

- Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.

- But I paid, don't you remember? - says the customer.

- Okay - says the bartender.

- If you said you paid, you did.

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.

The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies:

- If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it.

Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.

The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over and…

A regular at Bob's Bar came in one evening sporting a matched pair of swollen black eyes that appeared extremely painful.

- Whoa, Sam! - said the bartender.

- Who gave those beauties to you?

- Nobody gave them to me - said Sam.

- I had to fight like crazy for both of them.

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.

In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.

The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say:

- Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again.

To which the local jock replied:

- Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again.

One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender gets worried.

- What's the matter? - the bartender asks.

- My wife and I got into a fight - explained the guy - and now she isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days.

The bartender thought about this for a while.

- But, isn't it a good thing that she isn't talking to you? - asked the bartender.

- Yeah, except today is the last night.

A brain walks into a bar and says:

- I'll have a pint of beer please.

The barman looks at him and says:

- Sorry, I can't serve you.

- Why not? - askes the brain.

- You're already out of your head.

The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar:

- What'll you have?

The guy answers:

- A scotch, please.

The bartender hands him the drink, and says:

- That'll be five dollars - to which the guy replies.

- What are you talking about? I don't owe you anything for this.

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender:

- You know, he's got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy:

A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink.
He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac.

The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says:

- What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac?

The motorway replies:

- You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath.

A golf club walks into a local bar and asks the barman for a pint of beer.

The barman refuses to serve him.

- Why not - asks the golf club.

- You'll be driving later - replies the bartender.

A man walks into a pub and sits down next to a man with a dog at his feet.

- Does your dog bite?

- No.

A few minutes later the dog takes a huge chunk out of his leg.

- I thought you said your dog didn't bite! - the man says indignantly.

- That's not my dog.

Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table. The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds:

- I vould like some blood.

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like.
The vampire responds:

- I vould like some blood.

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like.
The vampire responds:

- I vould like some plasma.

The waitress looks up and says:

- Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?