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A Skeleton walks into a bar, asks for a beer... and a mop.

Ever hear the expression "hard drinker"? Never made much sense to me, drinking's one of the easiest things in the world to do.

Contrary to what people say, you can indeed drink to relax.
Of course sometimes, you get so calm, you can't move.

Remember, an alcoholic & a drunk are not the same thing at all.
The alcoholic has to attend meetings.

Two ladies are in a bar and the first lady says:

- Why are men the same as parking lots?

So the second lady says:

- I don't know?

So the first lady says:

- All the good ones are taken and the ones that are left are handicap!

A man walks into a bar with a piece of asphalt under his arm and asks the barman "Can I have a drink for me and one for the road?"

A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street. It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet.

- Is this where Frank lives? - one of the drunks asked.

- Yes, it is - the woman replied.

- Well then - said the drunk, Could you come and pick him out so the rest of us can go home?

McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.

- S'cuse me - said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. What was that all about?

- Nothing - said the Irishman, my wife sent me out for a jar of olives.

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though.

As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it:

- I SPIT IN THIS BEER

and walks to the bathroom.

When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying:

- I SPIT IN IT TOO.

The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.

- Do you realize what time it is? - she asked.

He answered:

- Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house.

Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked:

- What did you buy for the house, dear?

His answer was:

- A round of drinks!

A man drinking at the bar for three hours, yells at the bartender for another drink.
The bartender walks over and tells the man that he has already had too much to drink.
The man looks up from his glass angrily and shouts:

- I have been drinking for 36 years and I have no idea when I have had too much ...so how the hell do you know?

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded " i have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."

A man comes in to the room and says to his wife:

- I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on.

The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies:

- Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?

The husband replies:

- No - I'm turning the heating off.

- I was married 3 times - explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.

- That's a shame. - said his friend , How did it happen?

- She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!

A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.

He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says:

- You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!

The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds:

- You're drunker than I thought! - taking the rest of the alcohol away - That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!

A man walks into a bar on the top floor of a skyscraper. He sits down and orders a beer. After taking a drink he sees the guy next to him go over to the window and jump out!

- Holy cow! Did you see that!? That guy just jumped out the window!

The bartender does nothing.

So the man takes another sip. A minute later the same guy walks in, orders another drink, chugs it, and jumps out the window again.

- Jesus! He just jumped again!

The bartender ignores the man.

So the man sits puzzled. The guy comes back into the bar, and orders another drink.

- How did you survive that jump?..

- I ordered a floatie drink, if you drink it in a certain amount of time, you can float.

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.

When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.

When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.

The cop says:

- How is this possible?

The guy says:

- Tonight I'm the designated decoy.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says:

- I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

- Is your bet still good? - asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.
Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

Sign seen in a bar:

- Those drinking to forget please pay in advance.

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments:

- You look terrible. What's the problem?

- My mother died in June - he said, and left me $10,000.

- Gee, that's tough - he replied.

- Then in July - the friend continued, My father died, leaving me $50,000.

- Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.

- And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.

- Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.

- Then this month - continued, the friend, nothing!

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:

- What's wrong with your turtle?

- Not a thing - the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!

- Not a chance! - replies the barkeep.

- Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.

A guy walked into a bar and said:

- Beers for everyone, even you, Bartender.

But when it was time to pay, the guy didn't have the money, so the bartender beat him up.

The next day the guy did the same thing, ordered a beer for everyone, even the bartender, and the bartender beat him up since the guy couldn't pay.

Then the next day, the guy said:

- Beers for everyone! But not you, bartender!

The bartender said:

- Why?

The guy replyed:

- You're violent when you're drunk!

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says:

- Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona.

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says:

- I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.

The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says:

- I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.

He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says:

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said:

- Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?