A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says:
- Would you like to dance?
The girl says:
- I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you.
The guy says:
- I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.
A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba and is minding his business when a man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says:
- Hey aren't you going to pay for that?
The man says:
- Excuse me, Castro's Army.
The bartender says:
- Alright then
and the man leaves.
A few minutes later another man with a large black beard walks in. The man goes to the bar and orders a shot of whisky. The bartender serves him, the man drinks the whisky then starts walking out the door. The bartender says:
- Hey aren't you going to pay for that?
The man says:
A Russian walks into a bar and orders a beer.
- That will be one ruble - says the bartender.
- One ruble! - the customer protests
- last week it was only fifty kopeks!
- Well - replies the bartender
- it's fifty kopeks for the beer and fifty kopecs for the perestroika.
Reluctantly, the customer gives the bartender a ruble, and is surprised when the bartender gives him back fifty kopecs and says:
- We are out of beer.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of pregnancy in the world. Proceed with caution.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
- Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'? - asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
- Well, I'd have to say that it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much - answered the equally wasted gent.
- Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years!
A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks:
- Is your date running late?
- No - he replies.
- I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.
The intrigued woman says:
- A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?
- It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me - he explains.
- What's it telling you now? - she asked.
Old man O'Malley had worked down at the brewery for years, but one day he just wasn't paying attention and he tripped on the walkway and fell over into the beer vat and drowned.
The foreman thought it should be his job to inform the Widow O'Malley of her old man's death. He showed up at the front door and rang the bell. When she came to the door, he said:
- I'm sorry to tell you, but your poor husband passed away at work today when he fell into the vat and drowned.
She wept and covered her face with her apron and after a time, between sobs, she asked:
- Tell me, did he suffer?
- Knowing Brian O'Malley as well as I did, I don't think so - said the foreman.
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.
Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked:
- Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?
- Yup, shore am!
- How much does he weigh now?
The proud father answered:
- Ten pounds.
The bartender said:
- Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds.
The proud Texas father said:
A man walks into a bar and asks for six shots of vodka. The bartender says:
- Six shots? What's wrong?
- I found out my older brother is gay - replied the man.
The next night, he walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.
- What now? - asked the bartender.
- I found out my younger brother is gay - replied the man.
The night after that, the man walked into the bar again and asked for six shots of vodka.
- Geez, does ANYBODY in your family like women? - asked the bartender.
The man replied:
- Yeah, my wife does.
Recently scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.
To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men twelve bottles of beer each. The scientists observed that 100% of the male test group gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, and couldn't drive.
No further testing is planned.
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy.
- Are you the manager? - she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
- Actually, no - he replied.
- Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him - she said, running her hands up beyond his beard and into his hair.
- I'm afraid I can't - breathes the bartender, clearly in trouble.
- Is there anything I can do?
- Yes there is. I need you to give him a message - she continues huskily, popping a…
A guy walks into a tavern. As he walked up to the bar he noticed a twelve-inch man playing the piano, so he asked the bartender:
- What's that all about?
The bartender told him he that would tell him later. So the guy asked the bartender for a drink. The bartender said:
- Before you get your drink, you get to rub the magic beer bottle and make one wish.
- Okay - said the guy. He went over to the magic beer bottle and rubbed it. Poof. Out came a genie. The genie, of course, said:
- You have one wish.
The guy thought about it and then wished for a million bucks. A cloud of smoke filled the room, and then both the genie and the guy disappeared. In a few minutes, the guy reappeared back in the bar…
One day a drunk walked into a bar and ordered a gin and tonic. He drank half of it and poured the rest on the bartender.
The bartender got angry, grabbed the drunk by the collar, pulled him close to his face, and asked:
- Why did you do that?
The drunk said very apologetically:
- I am so very sorry sir. Please forgive me. I can't help it. It's an illness I can't get rid of. I am so ashamed of it. How can I make it up to you?
The bartender answered:
- Haven't you seen anyone about this problem?
The drunk replied:
- I never thought of that. Maybe I will.
The bartender said:
Twenty-four hours in a day... twenty-four beers in a case... coincidence?
It was Halloween and three vampires went into a saloon and bellied up to the bar.
- What will you have? - the bartender asked.
- I'll have a glass of blood - the first replied.
- I'll have a glass of blood, too, please - said the second.
- I'll have a glass of plasma - said the third.
- OK, let me get this straight - the bartender said.
- That'll be two bloods and a blood light?
What did the bartender say to the jumper cables when they walked into the bar?
→ Ok you 2, dont start anything
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice:
- I'd like to try the bet
After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
A man walks into a Kansas bar with his golden retriever.
- Hey - says the bartender, No dogs allowed in the bar.
- Oh please? - begs the customer.
- You see, you're playing the Royals game, and my dog is a really big fan of the Royals.
- You're trying to tell me that this here dog is a BASEBALL FAN?! Both of you get out of my bar - says the bartender.
- No animals allowed, and YOU belong in a mental institution. Dogs don't like baseball!
Just then, the Royals get a hit. The dog goes wild. He jumps up on the bar and hops around in circles on his hind legs. Then he does the same on his front legs! The bartender is astounded.
- That is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! Who ever thought a DOG…
