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A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go. Excited, he jumps out of the airplane.
About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens. He tries again.
Still nothing. He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can't believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up! Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver - by this time scared out of his wits - yells:

- Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?

The other guy yells back:

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting:

- Your mom's the best sex in town!

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says:

- I just did your mom, and it was sw-e-et!

Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces:

- Your mom liked it!

Finally the guy interrupts:

- Go home, Dad, you're drunk!

A man wakes up early one morning and decides to go Bear hunting.
He tells his wife:

- You've got three choices; you can go Bear hunting with me, I'll do you anally or you can give me a blowjob. I'm gonna load up the truck and get the dog out.

- Make up your mind before I get back.

The man returns twenty minutes later and says:

- Well what's it gonna be?

She say's:

- There's no way I'm going Bear hunting and you're not doing my ass so I guess it's a blowjob.

A couple minutes later she starts choking and spitting and says:

- Jesus, you taste like shit.

The president got off the helicopter in front of the White House with a baby hog under each arm. The Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted, and said:

- Nice pigs, sir.

The president replied:

- These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback hogs. I got one for Hillary and I got one for Chelsea.

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied:

- Nice trade, sir.

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules, saying:

- The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anyone caught breaking this rule once will be fined $50.

He continued:

- Anyone caught breaking this rule a second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $400. Are there any questions?

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

- How much for a season pass?

A man goes to the doctor and says:

- Doc, you have to help me!

The doctor asks:

- What's your problem?

The guy says:

- Every morning I wake up with my 'morning flagpole'...give the wife a quick one, and then go to work. On the way to work, I carpool with the next door neighbor's wife who gives me a blow job during the ride to work. Once I get there, I do some work and then at morning tea time, I go into the photocopy room and crank one out with one of the young office girls. At lunch, I take my secretary out to a hotel and give her a good boning. For afternoon tea, I give the boss's wife a good servicing.

- Then, I go home and slip the maid a few inches. Then at night, I give the wife another…

A couple just got married, and when the husband went back to his house he found that his bride had disappeared.
He got very worried and gathered up all his friends to search for his wife with no success.

Two days after his wife disappeared the man returned home to find her in the kitchen. He asked her what she has been up to and why she hasnt been home for so long.

She replied:

- These four men kidnapped me and had wild sex with me for a week.

The husband answered:

- But it's only been two days what do u mean a week?

- I am only here to get something to eat.

An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial city for dinner, and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish arrived, he asked what kind of meat it contained.

- Senor, these are the cojones - the waiter replied.

- The what, you say? - exclaimed the tourist.

- They are the testicles of the bull killed in the ring today - explained the waiter.

The tourist gulped but tasted the dish anyway, and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. After he finished the meal, the tourist commented to the waiter:

- Today's cojones are much saltier and smaller than the ones I had yesterday.

- True, senor - agreed the waiter.

Winnie and Piglet sit on the bank of the river and smoke dope.
A crocodile comes out of the river:

- Hey pals, let me have a whiff.

- Get lost, oh green one!

- Come on guys, just one!

- Go %@~# yourself!

So what would you do? Well, the crocodile swallows Piglet and sits in his place.
Winnie, inhaling, is holding the butt out to Piglet and suddenly sees a crocodile.

- W-ell, it seems enough for you, pig!

Winnie-the-Pooh is eating a roll. Piglet arrives.

- Give me some roll, Winnie!

- It's not a roll, it's a bun.

- Give me some bun, Winnie!

- It's not a bun, it's a bap.

- Give me some bap, Winnie!

- Get lost, you pig! Stop being such a pain in the neck! You can't even make up your mind!

A man walked into an appliance store and asked the price of a 25" remote controlled color television set.

- One dollar - the clerk replied.

- You've got to be kidding.

- Look, Mac - the clerk said - do you want it or not?

Of course, the customer gave him a dollar. On the way out with his incredible bargain, the suctomer saw a big frost-free refrigerator with automatic ice maker.

- How much for that? - he asked the clerk.

- Fifty cents - came the reply.

The customer forked over the half dollar, saying:

- What the heck is going on here?

- Nothing is goining on here - the clerk snapped.

One day there were two boys playing by a stream. One of the young boys saw a bush and went over to it and the other boy couldn't figure out why his friend was at the bush so long. The other boy went over to the bush and looked. The two boys were looking at a woman bathing naked in the steam. All of a sudden the second boy took off running. The first boy couldn't understand why he ran away so he took off after his friend. Finally, he caught up to him and asked why he ran away. The boy said to his friend, "My mom told me if I ever saw a naked lady I would turn to stone, and I felt something getting hard, so I ran."

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do "69".

- What the hell is that? - asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain:

- I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine.

Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a rip-roaring fart.

- What was that for? - he asks.

- Oops! Sorry, lets try it again. - she says.

So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.

- Wait, where are you going? - she asks.

The guy says:

Two teenagers wander off to the bushes during a softball game on the outskirts of town and start necking.
After a while the boy stops:

- You know we've been doing this for a few weeks now and I think it's time we went all the way - he pleads.

- Well, maybe - she says - But I'm a virgin and I heard it hurts. Besides all those people at the field may hear us.

The boy stops and says:

- Hmmm, well then if it hurts, start making cow sounds, and I'll stop. But if it feels good start singing. That way no one will ever guess what we're really doing.

The girl agrees so they quickly take off their clothes and get down to business. Ten minutes later people watching the game hear sounds echoing through the…

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

- It's a period - reported Johnnie.

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?" The woman replies, "I'm a whore." The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase that." The woman, "OK, I'm a prostitute." "No, that is still too crude. Try again." They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm a chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?" "Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks…

An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. They visit the doctor who asks the old geezer to produce a sperm sample in a bottle. After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty. "What's the problem?" asks the doctor. "Well," says the old man, "First I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on her butt and said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself better and replied with silence. The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra." This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by the penis. With a death grip in place she said, "You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the gardener, the poolman and your brother."

One day, little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom.
He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks:

- Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsy ride?

- Of course, Son, we're a family.

So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly.

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying:

- I know the whole truth.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says:

- I know the whole truth.

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says:

- Just don't tell your father.

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with:

- I know the whole truth.

The father promptly hands him $40 and says:

- Please don't say a word to your mother.

A guy went out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.
When he finally got himself to the doctor, he said:

- How bad is it doc? I'm getting married next week, and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way.

The doc said:

- I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay by next week.

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentioned none of this to his girl. They got married and on the honeymoon night in their hotel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This…

A truck driver was pulled over by a State Trooper. The patrolman told him to get out of the truck, and noticed that the driver appeared to be putting something in his mouth as he stepped out of the cab. Figuring that the driver was putting away his pep pills, the patrolman asked "Did I just see you swallow something?" "Yep, that was my birth control pill." said the driver. "Birth control pill?" asked the patrolman. "Yep, when I saw your light, I knew I was fucked."

A Deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf. Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it. The pharmacist unzips his pants, does the same as the deaf-mute, and then picks up both bills and stuffs them in his pocket. Exasperated, the deaf mute begins to curse the pharmacist wildly in sign language. "Look," the pharmacist says, "if you can't afford to lose, you shouldn't bet."

One day a man was sleeping and the neighbor's little girl entered his house, woke him up and said:

- What is that between your legs?

He replied that is:

- my bird.

He went back to sleep.
She came back later and said:

- What's that furry stuff around your bird?

He replied that's:

- my nest.

So he went back to sleep.