Latest

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New York City showed up. Never having seen anyone from the Big Apple at heaven's door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God.
After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said:

- They're gone!

- What? All of the New Yorkers are gone? - asked God.

- No! - replied Saint Peter - The Pearly Gates!

Harry approached a prostitute and asked:

- How much for a blow job?

- Hundred Bucks.

- OK - he said and began to jerk off.

- What the hell are you doing that for?

- For hundred bucks you don't think I'm going to give you the easy one, do you?

During a funeral for a woman who had henpecked her husband, drove her kids half nuts, scrapped with the neighbors at the slightest opportunity, and even made neurotics of their cat and dog with her explosive temper. As the casket was lowered into the grave, a violent thunderstorm broke, and the pastor's benediction was drowned out by a blinding flash of lightning, followed by terrific thunder.

- Well, at least we know she got there all right - commented her husband.

While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who was pretty and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, the executive found himself unable to perform.

On his first night home, the executive walked from the shower into the bedroom to find his wife covered in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly while she pored through a movie magazine.

Then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent erection.

Looking down at this, he snarled:

- Why you ungrateful, mixed-up son of a bitch. Now I know why they call you a prick!

A knight and his men returned to their castle after a hard day of fighting.

- How are we faring? - asked the king.

- Sire! - replied the knight - I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies to the west.

- What? - shrieked the king - I don't have any enemies to the west!

- Oh! - said the knight - Well, you do now.

An old man in a nursing home awoke one day and trundled down the hallway to the community breakfast room looking rather forlorn. Ms. Smith, a nurse, met him in the hallway. She greeted him smilingly and asked how he was this day.

Mr. Jones allowed that not all was well; in fact, his penis had died during the night. Ms. Smith knew that Mr. Jones was occasionally a little off mentally, so she merely replied that she was sorry to hear the bad news and went on her way.

The next morning Mr. Jones was on his way to breakfast again but on this day he was dressed in a coat and tie, and his penis was hanging out of his pants. Sure enough, he met Ms. Smith whereupon -- although somewhat startled -- she…

My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.
She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

- Excuse me - she said:

- I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said:

- Not bad.

Two old men were sat on a bench outside a nursing home having a chat.

- How are you, Richard? - asked George.

- I'm not feeling too good today, I'm utterly exhausted - replied Richard.

- I've pulled a muscle, and it's killing me.

- I'm surprised that a pulled muscle makes you feel so tired - said George.

Richard yawned and said:

- Well, it does if you pull it a hundred times in one night.

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

- Honey - she signs:

- Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife:

- Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on…

A husband and wife love to golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says:

- No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!

- Well, what should I do? - asks the man.

- Hold the club gently - the pro replied:

- just like you'd hold your wife's breast.

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yds. straight up the fairway.

The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says:

- No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard.

Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

- What happened to you? - asked Bill.

- Well, the Farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19-year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me.

- My God, what did you tell them? - asks Clinton.

The driver replies:

- I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the pig.

Three Friends an Italian a German and a Greek they decided to bet it's other 100 euros who is going to make their wives scream more from sex.
So they all go home to have sex with their wives so they make them scream.
The next day the meet.

The Italian says:

- I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours.

The German says:

- That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that.

The Greek says:

- That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming.

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said:

- We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue.

The woman said:

- My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave.

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward.

- Take her to Turning Walter!

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. They had included Senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine author. Only one problem arose -- how to handle that great-uncle George, who was executed in the electric chair.

The author said he could handle the story tactfully.

The book appeared. It said:

- Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties, and his death came as a great shock.

Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar.
He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women.
The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy's pocket.
The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger.
Then the little guy would jump back into the man's jacket for a while.
The barman went over and asked the guy what was up.
So the rich guy says:

- Well, let me tell you a little story.

- I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp.

- I rub it, and a genie popped out.

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?" His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject. When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

As a hooker was dressing, she turned to her customer and asked:

- Have you just gotten out of prison?

- Yeah - the guy replied.

- How did you guess? Is it because I wanted to have sex from the rear?

- Partly - She said.

- But more because when we finished, you ran around in front of me, bent over, and shouted, 'YOUR TURN.'

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people.
One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy something.

- Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the creek to wash clothes, but lemma see what you got - said the man. The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said:

- What's that?

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said:

- My God how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?

The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his…

Paul was ambling through a crowded street fair when he decided to stop and sit at a Palm Reader's table.

Said the mysterious old woman:

- For fifteen dollars, I can read your love line and tell your romantic future.

Paul readily agreed and the reader took one look at his open palm and said:

- I can see that you have no girlfriend.

- That's true - said Paul.

- Oh my goodness, you are extremely lonely, aren't you?

- Yes - Paul shamefully admitted.

- That's amazing. Can you tell all of this from my love line?

- Love line? No, from the calluses and blisters.

Because of a bad case of hemorrhoids, a gay bottom goes to his doctor. The physician prescribes suppositories, but when it comes time to use them the young man is afraid he will do it wrong. So he goes into the bathroom and bends over and looks through his legs into the mirror to line up the target. All of a sudden, his penis becomes stiff, blocking his view.

- Oh, stop it - the young man scolds his organ:

- it's only me.

Joan, the town gossip and supervisor of the town's morals, publicly accused her neighbor George of being an alcoholic because she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar.

George stared at her for a moment, and said nothing. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings against his wife.

- Please describe - said his attorney:

- the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity.

- Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week - the man testified.

- So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife.

- One Sunday morning - he continued:

- we were in the midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekends?'

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.
They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.
They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.
Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.
The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.
He turns to her... they kiss... and then they rip each others clothes off and make love.
After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there…

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room.

The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed:

- Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him…

One day a teacher was asking her class to use absolutely in a sentence.
So Janet raised her hand and said the sky is absolutely blue, the teacher said no, it is not, sometimes is black or has different colors.
Another little boy raised his hand and said:

- the leaves on the trees are absolutely green - the teacher said no, they could be different colors at different times of the year.

Little Johnny raised his hand and asked if there where lumps in farts, the teachers said no, I don't believe so.
And Little Johnny said:

- well then I absolutely just shit in my pants!!!!