Latest

They now have an Italian airline that flies out of Genoa.

It's called Genitalia.

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says:

- I'm going to a costume party, I want to go as Adam.

The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says:

- Not big enough.

She brings out a bigger one. He says:

- Still not big enough.

She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says:

- Still not big enough.

She says:

- Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?

A bus stops and this old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed, and the driver thinks nothing of it; the bus comes to another stop and another old lady gets off and complains to the driver: I was sexually harassed and the driver thinks nothing of it, then the bus comes to another stop and this old man gets off and says to the driver "I lost my taupe and thought I found it twice then realized mine is parted down the side, and the two I saw were parted down the middle!"

A 90 year man finally gets to see a Dr. and the dr. asks him what the problem is, the man says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers I am 90. The Dr., still a little confused says you are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered? Yes said the man, it's all in my head and I want you to lower it.

Two postmen are on break having a cigarette.

While on this break one postman says:

- Hey look at that snail

The other postman looks down and says:

- FUCK - and steps on the snail.

Postman 1 looks at him and says:

- Why'd you do that

Postman2 replys:

- Because that fucker has been following me all day.

Two elderly ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

The lady asked:

- What's that?

- A condom - the other lady responded.

- This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

- Where did you get it? - the other lady asked.

- You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, the first lady hobbled herself down to the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy looked at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.

- It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel.

Two, old drunks in a bar. The first one says:

- Ya know, when I was 30 and got a hard-on, I couldn't bend it with either of my hands. By the time I was 40, I could bend it about 10 degrees if I tried really hard. By the time I was 50, I could bend it about 20 degrees, no problem. I'm gonna be 60 next week, and now I can almost bend it in half with just one hand.

- So - says the second drunk - what's your point?

- Well - says the first - I'm just wondering how much stronger I'm gonna get!

Two elderly Southern women are sitting on the veranda sipping lemonade and reminiscing about old times.
One says to the other:

- Darling, do you remember the minuet?

The other replies:

- Sweetheart, I can't even remember the ones I screwed!

A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor. After a few visits, and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem.
He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug.
He looked at the man and said:

- This is what your wife needs, at least once a day!

The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said:

- OK, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?

A husband and wife are in bed watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire".

The husband asks for sex.

The wife says:

- No.

Her husband asks:

- Is that your final answer?

She responds:

- Yes.

He says:

- Then, I'd like to call a friend.

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. The little boy asked:

- Grandpa, can I have a beer?

Grandpa replied:

- Can your dick touch your ass?

The little boy answered no.
Grandpa said:

- Then you're not man enough to have a beer.

A little later Grandpa lights up a cigar. The little boy asked:

- Grandpa, can I have a cigar?

Once again, Grandpa asked:

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother.

- Mom - she said - I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy.

The mother took a deep breath and began:

- When two people love, honor, and respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing...

- I know how to fuck, mother - the bride-to-be interrupted - I want you to teach me how to make a great lasagna.

A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.

A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.

She said:

- Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

- What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!

- I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says...:

- You idiot!

- You're sitting on the mop bucket!

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

- Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army - the general said - Nothing to it - you'll catch on again fast.

Next morning promptly at eight o'clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general's bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked his employer's wife on her bottom and said:

- OK, sweetheart, it's back to the village for you.

A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her. He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and she agreed.
He asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds.
When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, the answer was:

- Yes.

Asked how she used it, she said:

- To assist sexual intercourse.

The interviewer was amazed.
He said:

- I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child's bicycle chain, or the gate hinge; but I know that most use it for sexual…

A guy is strolling along a sandy beach one day when he comes across a very old bottle. He's just dusting it off when two rather tired looking genies pop out.

- Two genies! - he exclaims - That must mean six wishes!

- Sorry, buddy, it's three or nuthin' - say the genies - and hurry up.

The guy makes his three wishes and races off home to see if they've been granted. He gets home and runs into his bedroom, where he finds the most gorgeous girl he has ever seen waiting for him.
After hours of mad, passionate sex, he stumbles out of bed and walks into the living room where he is knee deep in $1000 bills.
The guy can hardly believe his luck.
Just then there is a knock at the door. He rushes over to…

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says:

- You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy.

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says:

- Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy.

Hillary tosses her perfectly hair-sprayed hair and says:

- I could throw one hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says:

- I could throw all three of you out the window and make the whole country happy.

A wife went in to see a therapist and said:

- I've got a big problem, doctor.

- Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this earsplitting yell.

- My dear - the doctor said - that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is.

- The problem is - she complained - it wakes me up!

Scott finally got his girlfriend into bed, and things were going hot and heavy.

- Slow down, baby - she said - Foreplay is an art.

- You better get your canvas ready soon - he panted - because I'm about to spill my paint!

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake. The barber says to her:

- Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie.

She says:

- I know. I'm gonna get boobs too.

A man and woman are riding up in an elevator.

The man looks at the woman and says:

- Can I smell your pussy?

She replies:

- Hell no!

The man says:

- Well, it must be your feet then.

Two elderly gentlemen, Sam and Harry, were having breakfast. Sam said to Harry:

- Harry, why do you have a suppository in your ear?

Harry took the suppository out, looked it over and said:

- Sam, I'm really glad you saw this thing, now I think I know where my hearing aid is.

- Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.

- Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically - remarked his friend.

- I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me.

Little Johnny walks into school one day to find a substitute in place of his regular teacher.

She says:

- Hello class, I'm Mrs. Prussy. When you say my name class remember it has an "r" after the first letter.

The entire class says:

- Hello Mrs. Prussy.

A few days later the regular teacher is still sick when Little Johnny gets to his desk the teacher asks what her name is.

Johnny thinks hard and the says to the teacher:

- I remember it has an "r" after the first letter.

- That's right! - she coaxed.

Then after a few seconds Little Johnny says: