Instrument Jokes

What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
→ A flat minor.

What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller?
→ A flat major.

What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him or her over with a steam roller?
→ Be flat, major.

What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller?
→ See flat major.

What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?
→ C sharp or B flat.

What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?
→ A sharp major.

What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
→ A natural major.

What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?
→ Root position cords.

Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse?
→ They are always longing for another stop.

Why are a organist's fingers like lightning?
→ Because they rarely strike the same place twice.

What do you get if you throw a piano down a mine shaft?
→ A flat miner.

What do you get if you drop an organ on an army base?
→ A flat major.

Why is an 11-foot concert grand better than a studio upright?
→ It makes a louder noise, when you drop it off a cliff.

Why was the organ invented?
→ So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

What does a German Hammond organist do in his life's most tender moments?
→ He puts his Leslie on "slow".

The organ is the instrument of worship for in its sounding we sense the majesty of God and in its ending we know the Grace of God.

How do you get five oboes in tune?
→ Shoot four of them.

What are burning oboes used for?
→ To set bassoons on fire.

Why does an oboist always have to fight for correct intonation?
→ Because most oboes are full of holes.

How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
→ Steal his batteries.

The late Sir Thomas Beecham used to say the sound of the harpsichord is like "two skeletons making love on a tin roof".

A harp is a nude piano.

A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half playing it out of tune.

Why are harps like elderly parents?
→ Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.

Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I've been arrested three times for practicing.

How do you make him stop playing?
→ Put notes on it!

What did the guitar say to the guitarist?
→ Pick on someone your own size!

What's the definition of a minor second?
→ Two lead guitarists playing in unison.

What do you call two guitarists playing in unison?
→ Counterpoint.

How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
→ Give him a sheet of music.

How many guitarists does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say, "Not bad, but I could've done better".

What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig?
→ Would you like fries with that?

What is the difference between a guitarist and a Savings Bond?
→ Eventually a Savings Bond will mature and earn money!

What is the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?
→ You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

What do you get when you cross a French horn player with a goal post?
→ A goal post that can't march.

How many French horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

What do you get when you cross a French Horn player and a goalpost?
→ A goalpost that can't march.

How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
→ Put your hand in the bell and miss a lot of notes.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
→ "Hi. I did that piece in junior high."

How many French horn players does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Just one, but he'll spend two hours checking the bulb for alignment and leaks.

How do you get your viola section to sound like the horn section?
→ Have them miss every other note.

What is the difference between a french horn section and a '57 Chevy?
→ You can tune a '57 Chevy.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
→ "Hi. I played that last year."

What's the definition of a minor second?
→ Two flutes playing a unison.

Flute players spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

Why do loud, obnoxious whistles exist at some factories?
→ To give us some sort of appreciation for flutes.

What is perfect pitch on a flute?
→ When it misses the rim of the toilet as you throw it in.

What is the difference between hearing an English horn solo and being tortured?
→ One is far more painful to your ears.

What's the name of a good English horn player?
→ I'll tell you when I meet one.

How many English horn players does it take to change a light bulb?
→ One, but he gyrates so much, he'll fall off the ladder.

Why is wetting your pants like playing an English Horn?
→ Both give you a warm feeling but no one notices.