Food Jokes

How do you cook vegatables in the microwave?
→ Take them out their wheelchair.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
→ Anyone can roast beef.

Two starving homeless men are walking down an empty street in a quiet town. they spy a dead horse on the side of the road and run towards it. the first man begins to eat the horse, but the second man refuses, saying only that he will wait. after the first man has eaten his fill they continue on down the road. eventually the first man gets sick from the horse meat and throws it up. the second man pulls out a napkin from his pocket and exclaims as he sits down: "now THIS is what i've been waiting for! a hot meal!"

A man goes into a greasy spoon-type cafe and he says, "I would like one of your special full English breakfasts".

"No problem." Comes the greasy little fat girls reply from behind the counter.

"But I want it MY way." says the man.

"What do you mean your way?" comes the reply.

The man says, "well, I what the eggs only just about done so they look like I have snotted on them." he says. "I want the baked beans done so they are baking hot on the top, and freezing cold on the bottom. I want the bacon stuck to the plate with grease, with more rind than actual bacon. I want fried bread so greasy that the grease trickles in to the snotty egg and beans."

"I dont have the time to do all that!" came the reply from the greasy little fat girl.

"WELL YOU FUCKING HAD TIME YESTERDAY!!!!!!!" came the reply.

Two bananas are lying on a river bank when a turd comes floating by.

The turd looks over and says, "Hey! Come on in! The water's fine!"

One banana turns to the other banana and says, "Do you believe that shit?"

What do you call a vegetarian with diahrrea?
→ A salad shooter.

A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws, and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open.

The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said, "Are you okay?" The woman answered, "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in."

Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store workers called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.

A Pillsbury biscuit cannister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in.

BREAKFAST

• 1/2 grapefruit
• 1 slice whole wheat toast
• 8 oz glass skim milk

LUNCH

• 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast
• 1 cup steamed zucchini
• 1 Oreo cookie

MID-AFTERNOON SNACK

• rest of the package of Oreo cookies
• 1 quart Rocky Road ice cream
• 1 jar hot fudge

DINNER

• 2 loaves garlic bread
• 1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza
• 1 large pitcher of beer
• 3 Milky Way candy bars
• 1 entire cheesecake

DIET TIPS

1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out.
3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count if you both eat the same amount.
4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories. These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream.
5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out.
6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the calories don't count.
7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and not ones of personal fuel.

Definition of Outdoor Barbecuing

It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do. When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.
2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.

One day, a Smartie and a Polo were having a drink in the pub.

Suddenly the pub door swings open and in walks a Humbug.

"Fuck me," shouts Polo, and immediately dives under the table.

"What the fuck are you doing that for?" says Smartie.

"That humbug always gives me a right good kicking whenever I see him, so I'm hiding from him," says Polo.

"You should stand up to him," says Smartie. "He'll respect you more if you do."

Sure enough, the humbug walks over and gives the Polo a right slap.

"Fuck off you stripy wanker, or I'll knock the fucking shit out of you," says Polo.

"Hey, no problem man, can I buy you a drink?" says Humbug.

"Told you so," says Smartie.

The next night Polo and Smartie are sitting in the pub again, when in walks Humbug with his mate, Tune.

"Fuck me," shouts Polo again diving under the table.

"What the fuck are you doing that for again?" says Smartie.

"I know you said stand up to bullies, but thats Tune," says Polo.

"So what?" says Smartie.

"He's fucking menthol," says Polo.