Clean Jokes

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
→ Because it's too far to walk!

What do you use to fry a peter?
→ Peter Pan.

What do you look for when you're tracking a shoo-be-doo-be?
→ Shoo-be-doo-be-doo.

Hangover: The wrath of grapes.

Income Tax: Capital punishment.

A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.

A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats, and the police didn't have anything to go on.

Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.

Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard tines?

Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.

What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
→ They both involve sandy claws.

Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.

Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.

Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?

Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a pizza my mind.

The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type. Her doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."

A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel with a bunch of co-workers recently complained about what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."

California smog test: Can UCLA?

The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"

How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
→ Dis-gruntled.

- Knock Knock.

- Who's there?

- Stan.

- Stan who?

- Stan back or I'll be sick on your shoe!!!!

What kind of wood does not float?
→ Natalie Wood!

Where you you fing a dog with no legs?
→ Right where you left it.

There was a little red man who lived in a little red house on a little red street in a little red town. Now this little red man wanted to take a little red shower so he put his little red towel on the little red towel rack. Just as he was about to get in, the little red doorbell rang.

So he put his little red towel around his little red waist and went to the little red door. He opened the little red door and there stood a woman.

Just then a big gust of wind came and blew the little red towel away. The woman screamed, ran accross the road and got hit by a car.

The moral of the story?
→ Never run accross the road when the little red man is flashing.

A lady went to bed and turned out all the lights. Later she awoke and heard a crash, instantly she died of shock. What kind of house did she live in?
→ A LIGHTHOUSE!!!

What do you call a guy who hangs around?
→ Art!