Farmer Petrovich is whipping and slapping his sheep when the local minister comes walking around the corner.
The minister says, "My, Farmer Petrovich, you're certainly giving that sheep a beating. You wouldn't do that to your wife, would you?"
The farmer says, "I would if she farted and jumped sideways every time I tried to mount her!"
A Cowboy riding down the trail encounters an Indian laying on the trail with hard on. The Cowboy asks, "What are you doing?" Indian says, "Me tellum time." Cowboy shakes his head, rides on, encounters another exactly the same. Says, "You telling time?" "Yup." "How can you tell time like that?" Indian says, "Workum like sundial, readum shadow." Cowboy, incredulous, rides on. Encounters Indian in trail masturbating. Cowboy says, "Let me guess, you're telling time too." Indian says, "Nope. But me windum clock!"
A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted. The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?" She replied, "Last week." The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?" "Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the check bounced."
Mike Mooney, a Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig. The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100". Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way". The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".
The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, "This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".
Joan, a rather well-proportioned & near-sighted secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always removed her glasses for an even facial tan. After several days she decided that no one could see her way up there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your…
A college professor's going to bed with his wife. He's not that tired, so he's gonna stay awake and read while she goes to sleep. So he's reading, and every once in a while he reaches over and tickles her on the fun spot... "Kitza kitza..."
She says, "Will you stop that! Will you stop reaching over here and teasing me like that?"
He says, "I'm not teasing you. I'm wetting my fingers so I can turn the page."
A guy leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about 10 Minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering & swearing very softly.
The barkeep approaches the customer and asks what the problem is.
- Oh some son-uv-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head.
- Jesus Christ! What happened?
- He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!
- Yeah, then what?
- Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you?
Cop coming upon a young couple making out....
- Cop: What the hell are you two doing?
- Boy: See honey, I told ya cops were stupid.
An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won $50,000.
The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man a $50 bill.
The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on whiskey or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Ma."
"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?"
"Yep," said the old man fingering the $50, "... and a cheap one, too."
Two men were walking through the woods when a large bear walked out into the clearing no more than 50 feet in front of them.
The first man dropped his backpack and dug out a pair of running shoes, then began to furiously attempt to lace them up as the bear slowly approached them. The second man looked at the first, confused, and said, "What are you doing? Running shoes aren't going to help, you can't outrun that bear." "I don't need to," said the first man, "I just need to outrun you."
- Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.
- Guest: I'll make my own bed.
- Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.
Paddy gets a phone call from Murphy. "Paddy," says Murphy, "I've got a problem."
"What's the matter?" replies Paddy. "Oi've bought a jigsaw and it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together, and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks Paddy. "It's of a big cockerel," Murphy replies.
Paddy says, "Alroight, Murphy, Oi'll come over and have a look."
He gets to Murphy's house and Murphy opens the door. "Oh thanks for coming Paddy." He leads Paddy into the kitchen and shows him the jigsaw on the kitchen table.
Paddy looks at the jigsaw, then turns to Murphy and says, "For God's sake Murphy, put the cornflakes back in the packet."
A rancher from Central Arizona died and went on to the Great Beyond. As he approached the great gate, he noticed that the terrain was bare with no greenery. He remarked to the gate keeper, "Howdy Saint Peter. Say, this looks just like Arizona." The gatekeeper replied, "First of all, I'm not Saint Peter...and second, you really don't know where you are at all, do you?"
The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet when a policeman ran up to help. "My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said. "How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized the laugh!" he replied.
The other day my house caught fire. The insurance agent said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft."
Insurance agent frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
Apparently, the only way I can make a claim with this coverage is if the house is robbed while it's burning down.
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds.
"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar.
Two weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" The proud father answered, "10 pounds."
The bartender said, "Why? I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?"
The proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!"
A guy calls the hospital. He says, "You gotta send help! My wife's going into labor!"
The nurse says, "Calm down. Is this her first child?"
He says, "No! This is her husband!"
When a car skidded on wet pavement and struck a telephone pole, several bystanders ran over to help the driver. A women was the first to reach the victim, but a man rushed in and pushed her aside. 'Step aside, lady,' he barked. 'I've taken a course in first-aid!' The women watched for a few minutes, then tapped him on the shoulder. 'Pardon me,' she said. 'But when you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm right here.'
A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.
As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."
A woman went to the bar with a black eye.
"How'd ya get that?" asked the bartender.
"From my husband," she replied.
"But I thought he was out of town?" he asked.
"So did I!" she said.
Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, "Boy, business sucks. If I don't sell more cars this month, I'm going to lose my fucking arse."
Too late he noticed a beautiful blonde sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.
"That's okay," the blonde replied, "If I don't sell more arse this month, I'm going to lose my fucking car."
A little girl was playing up a tree near a church. The priest was taking a walk when he happened to look up the tree and saw the little girl. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her money to buy a pair of panties. The girl was so happy and told her mommy about it. The next day when the priest was again taking his daily walk, he looked up the same tree and saw the young girl's mother up there. She had no panties on. He called her down and gave her two dollars to buy a razor.
Little Johnny's dad is sitting on the side of the bed rolling on a condom about to give his wife some. Little Johnny sticks his head in the door, sees his dad and says, "Whatcha doin' Daddy?" Johnny's dad stoops over to cover up his dick and starts looking at the floor. "Oh, I'm just looking for this big rat I saw." he says. Little Johnny asks, "Whatcha gonna do, fuck it?"
A woman selling apples in New York is puzzled by a man who always comes by, pays a quarter, but never picks up an apple. This goes on for some time until, one day, the woman runs after the man as he walks away. 'I know why you are chasing after me... you want to know why I always pay a quarter but never take an apple,' the man says.
The woman replies: 'No, I wanted to tell you that the price has just gone up'.
While enjoying a drink with a mate one night, this bloke decides to try his luck with an attractive young girl sitting alone by the bar. To his surprise, she asks him to join her for a drink and eventually asks him if he'd like to come back to her place. The pair jump into a taxi and as soon as they get back to her flat they dive onto the bed and spend the night hard at it. Finally, the spent young bloke rolls over, pulls out a cigarette from his jeans and searches for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asks the girl if she has one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replies.
Opening the drawer of the bedside table, he finds a box of matches sitting neatly on top of…
