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A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why had she left her previous employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called Bridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, 'Lay down and let's see what you've got.' Another man said, 'I've got strength but no length.' Another man says to the lady, 'Take your hand off my trick!'

"I pretty dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, 'You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise.' Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. Another lady said…

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

- Ah..... - said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.

- I see you are the father of two children.

- That's what you think - said the man scornfully.

- I'm the father of THREE children.

The woman grinned and said:

- That's what YOU think.

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

- Good day, how may we help you today?

Very uncomfortably, she asks:

- Sir, how much does this rug cost?

He answers:

- Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in your pants when you hear what the price is.

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.

When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly:

- Do you sell Viagra here?

The pharmacist answers firmly:

- Yes, sir. We certainly do.

The man then asks:

- Do you think I could get it over the counter?

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says:

- Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might.

The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix:

- See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together.

- I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman - said the dentist calmly - and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time.

Mr. Tuckerman whispered:

- Yes, but from an IUD?

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?" The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"

Seems that the traveling salesman was driving in the country and his car broke down. He hiked several miles to a farm house, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay over night:

- Sure - said the farmer - my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are 21 and 23 but they're off to college, and I'm all by my self, so I have lots of room to put you up.

Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back towards the highway, and the farmer called after him....

- Didn't you hear what I said? I have lots of room.

- I heard you - said the salesman - but I think I'm in the wrong joke.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks:

- Now, who is going to tell the wife?

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

- Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.

Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door.

The wife answers and asks what he wants. Rippington says:

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there:

- Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come.

- Great - says Sam - after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.

As Enoch is leaving he stops:

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled:

- Stop making love down there!

- What's the matter with you? - the husband said when the sailor climbed down.

- We weren't making love.

- Sorry - said the sailor - From up there it looked like you were.

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself:

- By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're makin' love down there!

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

A department store had to call off its special summer sale in August because of a conflict -- its Christmas sale was beginning two days later.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy:

- Did you hear that Fluffy died?

The guy stumbles around and says:

- Um.. er.. no.. what happened?

The neighbor replies:

- We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and…

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said:

- I'm off. The man should be here soon

Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

- Good morning, madam. I've come to....

- Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you - Mrs. Smith cut in.

- Really? - the photographer asked.

- Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies

- That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment, she asked, blushing:

- Well, where do we start?

Consider the following: Female guitar player shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string!"

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said:

- I'll be ready in a few minutes - she said.

- Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through.

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing to the ground 40 floors down.

Just then Paul's date walked out:

- Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?

A bartender was getting ready to close for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the bartender's head and says, "Alright, now give me a blowjob!" "Anything!" cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!" The bartender starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender sees the gun…

The sales girl at the Pink Pussycat boutique didn't bat an eye when the customer purchased an artificial vagina.

- What are you going to use it for? - she asked.

- None of your business - answered the customer, beet red and throughly offended.

- Calm down, buddy - soothed the salesgirl.

- The only reason I'm asking is that if it's food, we don't have to charge you sales tax.

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman. He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?" "Don't Miss me, mister." "Well then, you better make it 13."

An Avon lady was alone in an elevator when she suddenly had to fart. She promptly reached into her bag and sprayed the air with her deodorizer.

Two floors later a gentleman got onto the elevator.

He began to sniff.

The Avon lady asked:

- Do you smell something?

- Why, yes, I do - he replied.

- What does it smell like?

- Hmmm, I'm not sure, but it kind of smells like someone shit in a pine tree.

Mister Smith rushes into the maternity ward:

- What's wrong? What's the emergency?

- Oh, Mister Smith, your child was just born and I have some terrible news for you. It's disfigured.

- Well, how bad is it? Can I see?

- Follow me, sir.

They head down a restricted corridor and come to the first door. Inside, in the respirator, is a newborn child without arms.

Mister Smith is upset:

- Oh my God! How terrible to be born this way!

The nurse interrupts:

- No Mister Smith, that isn't your child. Follow me, please.

Three guys are in a Cessna. The first drops a penny out the window. The second drops a pencil and the third a bomb. When the plane lands, the first guy goes to see where the penny landed. He sees a guy swearing and trying to get a penny out of his forehead. The second sees a girl holding her dog who has a pencil through his head. The third guy sees a guy laughing his head off. He asks, "Why are you laughing?" The guy says, "I was cooking on my BBQ when I farted..." "What's so funny about that?" "It blew my neighbor's house apart!"

A tipsy guy in a bar stood and made the following speech, "I am white from head to toe. I am rich and I am handsome. My name is Brown. B-R-O-W-N." Thoroughly annoyed, Sam retorted, "My name is Sam and I am white from head to toe. Except my asshole. Which is brown. B-R-O-W-N."

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?" The second guy says, "No." "A bald eagle just flew over head." "Oh." A couple of minutes later, The first guy says, "Did you see that?" "No." "There was a black bear walking on that hill over there." "Oh." A few minutes later the second guy says, "Did you see that?" The second guy, getting aggravated, says, "Yes, I did!" The first guy then says, "Then why did you step in it?"

A man let out a humongous burp. Nearby, a man loudly says, "How dare you burp before my wife!" The burper replies, "Hell, I didn't even know she wanted to go first!"