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A hunchback is running along a street being chased by a pack of children.

He stops, turns around and shouts, "Will you all get lost! I haven't got your bloody ball!"

Cronin goes to a barber shop to get his hair cut. The barber cuts his hair, and after he gets done, as Cronin gets up and is taking out his money, the barber goes over and takes a leak in the corner of the barber shop. The barber finishes and comes back.

As Cronin hands him a twenty-dollar bill, he says, "Listen, it's...it's none of my business, but...why would you take a piss in the corner of your barber shop?"

The barber says, "Hey, my lease is up in two weeks...do I care?"

The barber goes over to the cash register, rings up the haircut, and comes back with Cronin's change. When he comes back, Cronin's standing there taking a shit on the floor.

The barber says, "What are you doing?"

The world's greatest hypnotist is on stage in front of hundreds of people swinging a long chain with a watch on the end.

He's saying, "You're all in my power...you're all in my power.."

Fifteen hundred people are going, "Oooo..."

He starts to say it again, "You're all in my...", when he accidentally drops the watch.

He says, "Shit."

It took them two weeks to dig everybody out.

A guy says to a salesgirl, "I want to buy some toilet paper."

She says, "What color?"

He says, "Just give me white. I'll color it myself."

Hoffman and Puscas are bombed, watching the St. Patrick's Day Parade, when one of them drops his lit cigarette into a damp mattress that's been left out on the sidewalk.

The mattress starts to smoulder just as the blue-hair brigade, the Ladies' Auxiliary, is passing by. Hoffman takes a whiff, turns to Puscas, and says, "Man... you think maybe they're marching these ladies too fast?"

This bloke was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water.

"That's ridiculous!" he shouted at the pool manager. "Everybody does it, you know."

"That may be so," came the reply, "but usually not from the diving board."

Two blokes were out walking home from work one afternoon.

"Shit," said the first bloke, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip the wife's knickers off!"

"What's the rush?" his mate asked.

"The bloody elastic in the legs is killing me," the bloke replied.

A stuffy matron is with a new man in a top restaurant. The onion soup gets to her, and as the waiter is serving the main dishes she lets loose a bombastic fart. Trying to save face, she says to the waiter: "Sir! Please stop that immediately."

"Certainly, madame," replies the waiter with a bow, "which way was it headed?"

A guy's on the electric chair. The warden's just about to pull the switch when the guy gets the hiccups. The warden says, "Do you have any last requests?" The guy says, "(hic) Yeah... (hic) could you please do (hic) could you please do something to scare me?"

A city boy was visiting the country and wanted to go hunting. The farmer lent the boy his gun, telling him not to kill any farm animals. The city boy headed off and soon after saw a goat. He managed to creep into range and finally shot it. Not knowing anything about animals, the boy didn't know what he'd killed so he ran to the farmhouse and described his kill to the farmer.

"It had two saggy tits, a beard, a hard head and it stunk like hell!" said the boy.

"Oh, shit!" said the farmer. "You've shot the wife!"

This elderly woman passed a police van loading up the girls from a local brothel, and as she passed by, she asked one girl what the lineup was for. the girl shrugged and said, jokingly, "cough drops" and snickered.

Just then the cop approached the old gal and said, "What are you doing here, m'am?"

The woman pulled herself up to her full height oF 4'4 and replied, "Well, I can suck em can't I?"

The doctor comes out of the delivery room and says to the father, "I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but apparently your child was born with no arms, only one leg, and teeth that project six inches out of its mouth."

Mr. Jones cries, "My God! What will we do with such a deformed baby?"

The doctor says, "Use it as a rake?"

I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go. I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided that I should help. It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.

Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad.

The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.

Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says, "Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us... where is it?"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened. "Buffalo come," remarked Tonto. "How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger. "Face sticky."

Man in a pub, "If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone?" Other man, "Bloody hell, no!"

First man, "Want to come camping?"

Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.

"Where do you live?" asked the operator.

Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."

The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"

There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?"

The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.

"Can I see your license and registration, bub?", the cop inquired.

"But officer," the fellow started, "I can explain..."

"Shut yer trap, bub!" snapped the officer. "You're going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back."

"But, officer, I think you really should know..."

"And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," shot back the sap in the cell. "I'm the groom."

Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.

Santa declined, saying "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know."

Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear.

"OH Santa, won't you please stay?" she begged. Taking a long look, Santa sighed and delivered a not too believable, "Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know."

Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable, "Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?"

A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker system. "Listen to the sound of my voice...", he kept repeating, "the sound of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice..." Pretty soon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word.

Needing to take a quick piss, he announced "I will have to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone" And then he repeated the words "the sound of my voice... every word is a command." As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed…

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog shit, 20 feet back."

A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night.

He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance. "Would you like to dance with me?" he asked.

She replied "Would I!", and he sneered and told her, "BIG NOSE!"

A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.

So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says, "Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything."

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.

He stays like that for half-an-hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying."

"No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.

When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid the cab driver and the…