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A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.

The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.

The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix some drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.

He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says, "What's this?"

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."

He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Oh, well, er... I..."

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.

They ask the waiter who replies "Oh Sister, those are nuts." She answers "Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?"

"No. The kind you rock on a crack."

A man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and places his tool upon the counter. The lady serving says: "I'm sorry Sir, this is a clock shop not a cock shop." "Well, put two hands and a face on this." replies the man.

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at Ralph: "Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!" Ralph looked out the window and said: "I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!" Mary cried: "If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!" So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so he started running along side the others -- only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on…

The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his ears when the customer yelled, "Don't put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!"

Another customer who was waiting replied, "Hey John, you can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never been in a French Whorehouse!" Then the fun began...

In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, and couldn't bear passing her by. He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, "There, little lady, that's done!" "Quiet," she ordered him. "You'll wake up my husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat."

A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site.

She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking.

Annoyed the worker yelled "Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!"

The girl turned around and replied "It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?"

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped…

A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow $200 for six months. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says 'I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys.' Six months later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, 'Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two hundred dollars?' The man answers, 'I had to go to Europe for six months, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?'

There was this guy & he had just bought a brand new Farrari F-50 and he was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a mopehead stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the guy if he could ake a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was getting out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said. "oh, around 175-200. Want to see?" Of couse the boy nodded and waited for the light to turn green. The man took off at a very high rate of speed. As he was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and then flew right past him. 'no! it couldnt be the boy on the mopehead could it?' he asked to…

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and…

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.

After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.

He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him…

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered…

A man was looking for a cheap prostitute in a brothel.

He went up to the pimp, and asked him what he had. The pimp showed him a blonde whore for $50, but she was far too expensive. The pimp then showed him a brunette for $10, but she was also too expensive. Finally the pimp showed him a whore for $1, who happened to have her legs open ready. The man agreed, but the pimp said he must wear a black condom. So the man wore the condom and bonked his heart out and had the time of his life. He enjoyed it so much he went back the next day for the same $1 whore, and again had to wear a black condom.

Again the prostitute had her legs open ready. When he went the day after, he asked the pimp why he must…

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

"Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked.

"Not very likely," his wife said.

"It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He…

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.

He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says. "That's cool" says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw?

I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carries father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.

Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't want to name them without him seeing them first. But the hospital insists that the babies must be named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie overhears this and he names them (unbeknowst to the couple). Later the husband arrives, and the happy couple are set to name the babies when a nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took care of that. "Oh no!" they cry. "He's crazy and doesn't know what he's doing. What names did he pick?" The nurse says, "Well, he named the girl Deniece." "Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.

And how about the boy?" "Denephew."

Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped.

"Mahoney!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working…

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.

"Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spends three hours every night in your apartment?"

Mrs Smith replied. "Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and a tonic for me."

The Director of the Scottish Tartans Museum, Dr Michael MacDonald was in America. An old lady fixed her gaze on his 17th Century sporran and asked, "What, exactly, do you keep in your scrotum?"

"Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model," the editor from the men's magazine explained. "It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black."

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.

"What the hell did you do that for!" he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said, "Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once."

One day Pete was complaining to his friend "my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor". His friend said "Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00."

Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak…

One day a lady went to the doctor's office and told the doctor that her husband wasn't interested in her any more he just wouldn't have sex with her anymore.

So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that "if you give your husband one of these pills then he would have sex with you." So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in his dinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next day she thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she put two in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day.

She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in his dinner and he ate it.