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One day as Monica Lewinsky was walking along the beach awaiting her Senate trial testimony, she came upon an ornate bottle that had washed up on shore. Curious, she picked it up, brushed off the sand, and lo and behold a genie popped out.

- Greetings, Miss Lewinsky, - the genie said. - Since you have released me, I will grant you one wish.

- Well, - Monica replied, - I'm going to be on television a lot for a while, and I want to look my best. I wish you would get rid of these love handles.

- Your wish is my command, - said the genie. A wave of his hands, a puff of smoke...

And her ears promptly fell off.

It seems that Ken Starr is dropping all sexual allegations against President Clinton. It all stems from the Paula Jones case. The spokesperson remarked that it would be impossible for a woman with a six inch nose to give a blow job to a person with a three inch dick.

What part of a woman does a man like looking at best?
→ The top of her head.

Ed, Ted and their wives went out camping one weekend. Ed and Ted slept in one tent while the wives used the other.

At about three in the morning, Ted woke up and yelled:

- Wow, unbelievable!

Which woke Ed.

- What's going on?

- I've got to go to the other tent and find my wife.

- How come?

- To have sex! I just woke up with the biggest hard-on I've ever had in my life!

After a pause, Ed said:

- Do you want me to come with you?

So the elephant says to the naked man...

- You breathe through that little thing?

The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.

- Mrs. Brown, - he said, - I have some good news for you.

The woman said:

- I'm glad of that, doctor, but I'm Miss Brown.

- Miss Brown, - said the doctor without changing expression, - I have bad news for you.

How long does it take for a woman to orgasm?
→ Who cares?

Back in the '70s, days of conspicuous (ahem) consumption, Hugh Hefner was showing a friend around the Playboy Mansion. At one point, Hefner turned to his friend, and said:

- Did you ever hear this joke? A woman receives flowers from her boyfriend. She turns to her friend, and says, 'Oh, great. Now I'll have to spend the whole weekend with my legs in the air.' 'Why?' says her friend. 'Don't you have a vase?'

They laugh, and then Hefner opens a door with a flourish. Inside, women are reclining on couches, naked as jaybirds, with flowers protruding from their vaginas. Hefner and his friend have another laugh and are flirting with the girls when suddenly, from the next room, there is a…

Did you hear about the guy who died of Viagra overdose?
→ They couldn't close his casket.

A truck driver breaks down and shortly another trucker stops to give him a hand. He notices that the first driver has a big red spot painted on his dash and asks him what it's for.

He replies:

- Oh that's a conversation piece for when I pick up female hitchhikers. I get lots of pussy that way.

The other driver thinks that's a great idea so he paints a red spot on his dash too. Then he sees a girl hitchhiking so he picks her up. She notices the red spot on the dash and asks him what it's for.

He says:

- It's a conversation piece. You wanna fuck?

A guy starts talking to two women in a bar, they turn out to be Siamese twins, and they wind up back at his apartment. He makes love to one, and then starts to work on the other. He realizes that the first one might get bored watching, so he asks her what she'd like to do.

She says:

- Is that a trombone in the corner? I'd love to play your trombone.

So she plays it while he screws her sister.

A few weeks later, the girls are walking past the guy's apartment building. One of the girls says:

- Let's stop up and see that guy.

The other girl says:

- Gee... do you think he'd remember us?

Three little old ladies, sitting on a park bench.

The town flasher comes by and shows them his ALL!

The first little old lady had a huge stroke. The second little old lady had a little stroke. The third little old lady would have had a stroke................ but her arms weren't quite long enough.

Why are women so bad at mathematics?
→ Because men keep telling them that this |<---------------------->| is 12 inches.

A tourist from Albegestan goes on his first overseas trip.

Upon arriving, he is visibly puzzled filling his visa application. The border official looks over his shoulder, and sees the tourist trying to write 'Twice a week' into the small space labeled 'SEX'.

The official explains:

- No, no, no. That is not what we mean by this question. We are asking 'Male' or 'Female'.

- Doesn't matter - the tourist answers.

A guy walks into an elevator and stands next to a beautiful woman.

After a few minutes he turns to her and says:

- Can I smell your pussy?

The woman looks at him in disgust and says:

- Certainly not!

- Hmmm - he replies.

- It must be your feet, then.

There were three women sitting in a bar and they were discussing how much their husbands could get up their crotch.

The first woman said:

- My husband can get his whole hand up me.

The second lady said:

- My husband can get his whole head up me.

The third lady slid down the bar stool.

Nancy Reagan is the celebrity contestant on Password. It's her turn to guess the word.

- Voice Over: And the password is... black dick!

- Nancy: Um... is it a place?

- Her partner: No.

- Nancy: Is it a person?

- Her partner: No.

- Nancy: Hmm, then it must be a thing. Um, is it something I might want to eat?

- Her partner, exasperated: Well, I dunno, maybe.

- Nancy: Is it black dick?

Two dwarfs pick up two hookers and take them to their hotel rooms.

The first dwarf not only can't get a hard-on, but all night he has to listen to the other dwarf and the other hooker grunting:

- One, two three, uhh... one, two three, uhh...

In the morning, the second dwarf says to the first dwarf:

- So how was it?

The first dwarf says:

- It sucked. I couldn't get a hard-on all night.

The second dwarf says:

- You think that's bad? I couldn't even get up on the fucking bed.

What's the difference between pussy and apple pie?
→ You can eat your Mom's apple pie.

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
→ Full.

At the card shop: A woman was spending a long time looking at the cards, finally shaking her head:

- No. A clerk came over and asked:

- May I help you?

- I don't know - said the woman.

- Do you have any 'Sorry I laughed at your dick' cards?

Jon was looking for a little "action". He picked up a sweet young thang at the bar and took her back to his hotel room. Little did he know she was damn near a nymphomaniac.

After six times she was screaming for more. After the eighth time Jon told her that he needed to slip out for a pack of cigarettes.

On the way out he stopped in the men's room. He stood in front of the urinal, unzipped, and felt a moment of panic that he couldn't find "it".

After a couple of minutes "fishing around" he finally said:

- Look, it's ok. She's not here!

My girlfriend told me to give her 12 inches and make it hurt!

So I fucked her 3 times and then hit her with a baseball bat.

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked:

- Grandpa, are you going to take that new Viagra?

Grandpa looks at him and says:

- No Johnny, I will not.

- But Grandpa, why? - asks little Johnny.

Grandpa replies:

- Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one worth writing to.

John pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed Brian where he'd first had sex.

- It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours.

- That sounds wonderful - said Brian.

- Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us.

- Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?

- Baaaaaaa.