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Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny:

- She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards - said one doctor.

- Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours.

- He nearly died on us! - The second doctor said.

- That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall:

- Oh my God! - said the first doctor.

- I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!

The medical student was asked four reasons why mother's milk was better for babies than cow's milk. This is the answer he submitted:

1. It's fresher.
2. It's cleaner.
3. The cats can't get to it.
4. It's easier to take on a picnic.

He also added:

- It comes in such cute containers.

What is red and sticky and crawls up a girls thigh?
→ A home-sick abortion.

What's the worst part about getting a lung transplant?
→ The first couple of times you cough, its not your phlegm...

- Give me the bad news first.

- You've got AIDS.

- Oh, no! What could be worse than that?

- You've also got Alzheimer's Disease.

- Oh. Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS.

What do you call an armless, legless leper in a swimming pool?
→ Bob

Two doctors found themselves on the beach in Hawaii.

As a real bevy of bikini-clad females walked by, one said:

- Look at the legs among that group.

- Sorry old chap - replied the second doctor.

- But I'm a chest man myself.

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says:

- Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.

Harry says:

- My God. What's the good news?

The doctor says:

- I'm kidding. She's dead.

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says:

- that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?

The man replies:

- all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...

- Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything.

- Well - says the dentist.

- that's probably the problem.

- Hollindaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome.

After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked.

So they went to a doctor, and got checked over.

The doctor took time to reassure them:

- Don't worry - he said.

- Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow.

So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his little bottle. It was empty. The doctor looked at the bottle carefully:

- Problems? - he said.

- Have I ever had problems, doc.! - the man replied.

- I went home and straight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands. I tell you doc, my hands got too sore to hold it! I had to get the wife upstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her…

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat. While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. The nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain. Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing:

- Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels? That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something.

Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work, and installs the…

Two gynecologists meet at lunch.

The first one says:

- I had a patient this morning with a clit like a dill pickle.

The second one says:

- That big or that green?

The first one says:

- That Sour.

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem:

- I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office:

- Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?

- Calm down, Mrs. Harris - said the doctor soothingly. Now that we've fixed your sinuses…

The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

- The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

- Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

- The skin was moist and dry.

- The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

- She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

- The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

- I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

A man walks in to a doctors office and says:

- Doctor you must help me. I have AIDS.

The doctor replies:

- Are you gay?

The man answers:

- yes.

The doctor says:

- I think I can help. Go to the grocery store, buy a box of laxatives and a quart of prune juice.

- Take ALL of the laxatives and drink ALL of the prune juice. Take a nap for a couple of hours. When you wake up your problem will be solved.

The man answers:

A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she suffered from excessive flatulence, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it until now. So the Dr. took down all of her medical history, a process that took quite a while. At the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smyth while I've been sitting here talking to you I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell." At this point, the Dr. scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the woman. "What's this?" she asked, "some pills?" "No", replied Dr Smyth, "that is a prescription for a hearing aid: come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose."

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him:

- Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last.

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

- Howard. You're a veterinarian.

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics.

The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll…

Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

Oprectomy

KENMORE HOSPITAL
61 COMMONWEALTH AVE.
BOSTON, MA. 02115

DATE:____________
NAME:
ADDRESS:

Please be advised that your Oprectomy operation is scheduled for _______________, at ___________(a.m.)(p.m.). The purpose of this extremely delicate operation is to sever the cord that connects your eyes to your rectum and hopefully get rid of your shitty outlook on life.

Sincerely,
J. Grabber, M.D.

A Short History of Medicine

I have an earache...
2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer.
1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion.
1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic.
2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house. His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.

Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!

The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said:

- I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

- What's the matter with me? he asks the doctor.

- You're not eating properly.

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

- I'm 90 years old - he says.

- 90! - replies the woman.

- Don't you realize you've had it?

- Oh, sorry - says the old man.

- how much do I owe you?

A question for Bill Clinton:

- What was Miss Lewinsky's most memorable feature?

→ She has the whitest teeth I've ever come across