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A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.

- I tried to be an actress and failed - she complained.

- I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.

The shrink thought for a moment and said...:

- Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says...:

- Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says:

- Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do.

Jon says:

- I haven't got the fingers.

The doctor says:

- What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?

Jon says:

- Well, shit, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up.

Herman the hypochondriac began sobbing before a doctor:

- I'm sure I've got a liver disease, and I'm gonna die from it.

- Ridiculous - said the doctor.

- You'd never know if you had the disease or not. With that ailment there's no discomfort of any kind.

- Right - said Herman.

- Those are my exact symptoms.

- Patient (to cosmetic surgeon): Will it hurt, doctor?

- Surgeon: Only when you get my bill, Mrs Brown.

Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted:

- I am Napoleon!

Another one said:

- How do you know?

The first inmate said:

- God told me!

Just then, a voice from another room shouted:

- I did not!

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet:

- I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds.

- Why, that's amazing! - the doctor said.

- Did you follow my instructions?

The woman nodded:

- I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.

- From hunger, you mean?

- No, from skipping.

- Kiss me doctor!

- I can't as we doctors have an ethics standard that does not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I really shouldn't be fucking you.

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.

After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

- Doctor: It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering.

- Patient: Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo? (Doctor what can I do?)

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.

When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says:

- All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?

I said to the doctor:

- I have this ringing in my ears.

He said:

- Don't answer it!

There was the surgeon who was arrested for drunken driving. They let him go, though. He was already an hour late for an operation.

A doctor fell into a well once.

He learned to tend to the sick and leave the well alone.

A Psychiatrist is just a Jewish doctor who can't stand the sight of blood.

"...clamp...sponge...scalpel...oops..."

So the doctor tells the patient he's got only six months to live.

But the patient doesn't pay his bill on time, so the doctor gives him another six months.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.

- A man and a woman making love in a park - the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees.

- A man and a woman making love in a boat.

He holds up the third picture.

- A man and a woman making love at the beach.

This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.

At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says:

- It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex.

And the man replies:

Whats blue and doesn't fit any more?
→ A dead epileptic.

Woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says: "Hey doc, you know how we have been talking about freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last night. I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say, 'please pass the salt,' but instead I said, 'You god damn bitch, you ruined my life.'"

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

- D: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.

- L: ?eh?

- D: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!

- L: ?? EH??

- D: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! -- A SUPPOSITORY!!!

- L: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid....

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said:

- Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.

- That is very kind of you - said the doctor emotionally, and then added:

- Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change...

What do you do when an epilectic takes a bath?
→ Throw in your laundry.

What is the difference between an oral and rectal thermometer?
→ The taste.

A man went to the doctor's. The doctor came in and said:

- Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have an inoperable brain tumor. The good news is our hospital has just been certified to do brain transplants and there has been an accident right out front and a young couple was killed and you can have whichever brain you'd like. The man's brain costs $100,000.00 and the woman's brain costs $30,000.00.

The patient could not help but ask:

- Why such a large difference between the male and the female brain?

The doctor replied:

- The female brain is used.

There was a costume party at a mental hospital; the theme of the party was "war". The first person comes up onto the stage and says:

- I'm an atomic bomb.

He gets his applause and steps down.

The second person comes up and says:

- I'm a hydrogen bomb.

Again, there's applause and he steps down.

And then a naked little man comes up to the stage and says:

- I'm dynamite.

Everybody runs away hysterically. When one of them is asked why, he says:

- Didn't you see how small his fuse was?

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

- What are you doing here today?

- Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.

- Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

- Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

- [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.