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What's the similarity between Bill Clinton and a carpenter?
→ One screw in the wrong place and the whole cabinet falls apart.

A guy says:

- I remember the first time I used alcohol as a substitute for women.

- Yeah what happened? asked his friend.

- Well, er, I got my penis stuck in the neck of the bottle.

What's the purpose of a bellybutton?
→ To put your gum in on the way down.

Two prostitutes, after Christmas holidays:

- What did you ask Santa Claus to give you?

- Hundred dollars, as usual.

What do Viagra And Disney Land have in common?
→ They both cause you to stand around for an hour waiting for a two minute ride!

Definition of bad lover:
An earthquake occurs during sex. Afterwards he asks the woman if she felt the earth move. She says no.

A doctor's advice to young bride regarding the use of the diaphragm: "Use it on every conceivable occasion."

There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home. The old man says to the woman:

- For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget.

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill. The man says:

- So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?

The woman replies:

- No, I want four times in the rocker.

Two men were talking.

- So, how's your sex life?

- Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex.

- Social Security sex?

- Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!

You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?
→ A Tent

What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
→ Firetruck

One Friday afternoon, two secretaries were hanging around the watercooler at the office.

- Veronica, I just don't know what to do, - Gloria said to her friend at work.

- That good-looking Alex in accounting asked me out on a date for Saturday night. Should I go?

- Oh, my God! - her friend exclaimed.

- He'll wine you, dine you, and then use any ruse to get you up to his apartment. Then he'll rip off your dress and you'll have fantastic s*x!

- What should I do? - asked Gloria.

Her friend quickly replied:

- Wear an old dress.

Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F and G are the letters used to define bra sizes?

If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for... It is about time you became informed!

- A - Almost Boobs...

- B - Barely there.

- C - Can't Complain!

- D - Damn!

- DD - Double damn!

- E - Enormous!

- G - GEEEEzus Christ!

- F - Fake.

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?" she asks. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of home-made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a steak and apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty stir-fry? That would only take a couple…

Through the kitchen window a farmer's wife sees her son coming home from school. The boy's in a bad mood, and as he crosses the field he kicks a pig. He walks a little further and kicks a cow. Once inside, his mother says:

- I saw what you did, young man! For kicking the pig you'll get no bacon for a week, and for kicking the cow, no milk for a week.

Just at that moment, the boy's father walks through the door and boots the cat halfway across the room.

The boy looks at his mother and says:

- Do you wanna tell him, or should I?

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

- Is that your husband? he inquired nervously.

- No, silly, she replied, snuggling up to him.

- Your boyfriend then? he asked.

- No, not at all, she said, nibbling away at his ear.

- Well, who is he then? demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, she answered:

- That's me before the surgery.

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left.

The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says:

- I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

The woman entered the room, and with a knowing smile teasing her full lips, she sank into the comfort of the plush chair in the corner.

The handsome stranger turned, having sensed her approach.

Locking his steely grey eyes on hers, he moved slowly toward her, his experienced gaze measuring her, hypnotizing her with his soft murmurs of assurance.

He sank to his knees before her and without a word, smoothly released her from her constraining attire. With a sigh of surrender, she allowed his foreign hands to unleash her bare flesh.

He expertly guided her through this tender, new territory, boldly taking her to heights she had never dared to dream of, his movements deliberate, confident in his…

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied:

- He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the…

What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls through a hose?
→ Darling.

What is the Australian for foreplay?
→ Brace yourself, Sheila!

And the Welsh?
→ Are you awake, Gwen?

There was a young girl called Anna,
Who was rather good with a spanner.
A boy gave her a knock,
So she grabbed his big cock,
And he now has a whole different manner!

Why is sex like money in the bank?
→ Because when you withdraw, you lose interest.

Why is pubic hair curly?
→ If it was straight, it would poke your eyes out.

When a man takes off his pants in a hotel room, what's the first thing to hang out?
→ The DO NOT DISTURB sign!