A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.
Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him.
- You know, - said the doctor - you really have to learn to trust me.
This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face.
- Doc, - he says - I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again.
- What dream? - asked the shrink, not really paying attention.
- You know, - says the man - the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?
Here's a pretty nasty one:
Why are they having such a hard time finding a cure for AIDS?
→ The scientists can't get the mice to butt fuck.
What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
→ The taste.
A girl goes to the doctor. She says:
- Doc, I'm freakin' out...
- I'm freakin' out...my pee's coming out in four streams.
He says:
- Get up on the table and I'll see what I can do.
She gets up on the table, and as he's examining her, he starts to giggle.
She says:
- It's not funny. My pee's coming out in four streams.
He says:
- It won't anymore. I took the trouser button out of there.
What's a definition of a gynecologist?
→ Gynecologist is a person who looks for problems in a place where most people find pleasure
A man walks into a doctor's office with a frog stuck to his head.
- Doctor: How did this happen?
- Frog: It started with a bump on my ass.
A very homely young woman made an appointment with a psychiatrist.
She walked into his office and said:
- Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely.
- I don't have any friends, no man will come near me, and everybody laughs at me.
- Can you help me accept my ugliness?
- I'm sure I can, - the psychiatrist replied.
- Just go over and lie face down on that couch.
Name something a duck can do, that a doctor won't.
→ Stick his bill up his ass.
Sobel goes into the optometrist's office.
He opens the door and says to the receptionist:
- I think I need my eyes checked.
She says:
- You're not kidding. This is the Ladies Room.
A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. Was it true, the woman wanted to know, that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest of her life?
She was told that it was.
There was a moment of silence before the woman continued:
- I'm wondering, then, just how serious my condition is. This prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS.'
After years with a psychiatrist, a man who thought he was a dog was declared cured. A friend asked him how he felt now. The former patient replied, "Fine! Just feel my nose."
The 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office.
- You know, Doc, - he said.
- I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand.
- And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions, - the medic said.
- Hell, no, - the old fellow replied.
- I want to borrow your Lamborghini.
A construction worker goes to the doctor and says:
- Doc, I'm constipated.
The doctor examines him for a minute and then says:
- Lean over the table.
The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.
He comes out a few minutes later and says:
- Doc, I feel great. What should I do?
The doctor says:
- Stop wiping with cement bags.
A young woman visited her doctor complaining of a bed wetting problem. The doctor asked her the usual questions and then asked her to go behind the screen and remove her clothes. She was a bit shocked but went ahead anyway.
When she was undressed he asked her to stand on her hands in front of and facing a full length mirror. The young woman was even more shocked but if it would help solve her problem she thought she had better do what the doctor said.
As soon as she was in position the doctor asked her to open her legs and when she did he put his head between them and rested his chin right on her private parts. After a few moments and some very positive 'yes, yes' type noises the doctor…
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window.
Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.
As he does this he says to the woman:
- Do you know what I'm doing?
- Yes, - she says.
- you're checking for any abrasions or dermatolegical abnormalities.
- That's right, - says the doctor.
He then begins to fondle her breasts.
- Do you know what I'm doing now? - he asks.
- Yes, - says the woman.
A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.
- Doctor, Doctor, - she called.
- I saw some movement!
The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.
- Well this is good news, - said the Doctor.
- I think we should call her husband and let him know.
A psychology student at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate three patients in a local mental hospital.
The first patient was locked in his room throwing tennis balls everywhere. The student asked why, and the patient answered:
- When I get out of here I going to ba a tennis pro.
The second patient was locked in his room throwing baseballs everywhere. When asked why he said:
- When I get out of here I going to be a professional baseball player.
The student thought he was starting to get the hang of things, until he looked in on the third patient. There locked in the middle of the room was a naked man, masturbating with a peanut on the end of his penis. The student asked:
Mr. Horntoot admitted to his wife that he was feeling much better since his operation, but couldn't account for the enormous bump on the back of his head.
- Oh, that, - chuckled Mrs. Horntoot.
- Just before your operation they suddenly ran out of ether!
A guy walks into his doctor and says:
- Doc, you gotta help me, I can't remember anything!
The doc asks:
- How long have you had this problem?
The guy says:
- What problem?
- Doctor, - the embarrassed man said.
- I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.
- Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.
The next day the worried fellow returned with his wife.
- Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas, - the medic said.
- Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Ok, you may put your clothes back on.
The doctor took the husband aside.
- You're in perfect health, - he said.
- Your wife didn't give me an erection either.
- Mr. Chilton, - the analyst said.
- I think this will be your last visit.
- Does that mean I'm cured? - he asked.
- For all practical purposes, yes, - she said.
- I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where the kleptomania came from.
- Well, that's terrific, Doctor. Before I go, I'd like to tell you something. Although our relationship is strictly professional, it's been one of the most rewarding of my life. I wish I could do something to repay you for helping me.
- You've paid my fee, - the doctor said.
- That's the only responsibility you have.
- I know, - Chilton said.
A man went to the doctor to get a physical, after the doctor examined him, he told the man he had some bad news... he had cancer and alzheimers.
The man replied:
- Well, at least I don't have cancer
Hiram answers the telephone, and it's an emergency room doctor.
The doctor says:
- Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will be on a respirator the rest of her life.
Hiram says:
- My God. What's the good news?
The doctor says:
- I'm kidding. She's dead.
Why do doctors slap babies when they are born?
→ To knock the penises off the smart ones.
