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A woman visits her physician. After waiting for a while it's finally her turn. She enters the doctors' office and sits down. The PhD asks her:

- Well, what can I do for you madam?

The patient blushes and the PhD sees that apparently she is embarrassed so he says:

- You can discuss any matter with me, everything is strictly confidential.

So the patient says:

- My husband complains that my pussy smells bad, is there a cure for this?

- Sure - the doctor says.

- It can be a fungus, or a little infection, nothing unusual, please undress and lay down, so I can examine you and prescribe a treatment.

The woman undresses, gets up the bed and with her legs spread waits until the doctor attends her. He comes…

The young lady entered the doctor's office carrying an infant. "Doctor," she explained, "the baby seems to be ailing. Instead of gaining weight, he lost three ounces this week." The medic examined the child and then started to squeeze the girl's breasts. He then unbuttoned her blouse, removed the bra and began powerfully sucking on one nipple. "Young lady," he finally announced, "no wonder the baby is losing weight, you haven't any milk!" "Of course not!" she shrieked. "It's not my child, it's my sister's!"

A young lady walks into a doctors office. "Doctor I'm suffering from a terrible discharge" The Doctor lays her down lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and says "how does that feel?" Young lady, "Oooh doctor that feels lovely..... ...but the discharge is from my ear!!"

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his, also a mute. In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!):

- Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now.

Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords.

Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.

After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that he had found no permanent damage. The mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no…

A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says:

- I have some bad news. You have HAGS.

- What is HAGS - the man asks.

- It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis - says the doctor.

- Oh my God - says the man.

- What are you going to do?

- We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza.

- Is that going to help me - says the man.

- No - says the doctor.

- But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor. The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear." The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms." The third nurse fainted.

Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade?
→ She gave herself a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and circumcised three of the doctors on her shift.

This woman goes into a dentist's office, after he is through examining her he says: "I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth." The woman then says with anticipated agony, "Ooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!" To which the dentist replies: "Well make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves. This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she says:

- Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?

The man replied:

- Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies:

- Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?

The doctor answered:

- Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain.

- I know, but can't you give me some idea? - she asks.

- Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little...

- Like this?

- A little more...

- Like this?

- No. A little more...

Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.

- It's terrible - she said - I haven't moved my bowels in a week.

- I see. Have you done anything about it? - asked the doctor.

- Naturally - she replied - I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night.

- No - the doctor said - I mean do you take anything?

- Naturally - she answered - I take a book.

One doc operated on a person for a hernia. He opened his testis and took the balls out and kept it on the table. At the end of the operation he wanted to put his balls back into the pouch of testis. He searched operation theatre but could not find the balls of the patient. Lastly he told nurse to get two small onions from his lunch box as he cannot keep his testis pouch empty.

After that operation he met the same patient in a garden for morning walk.

Being a good doc, he asked his patient how he is feeling now.

He said:

- Doc everything is fine, life is very cool except that whenever I scratch my balls, my eyes start watering.

A famous surgeon went on a safari in Africa. When he came back, his colleagues asked him how it had been. "Oh, it was very disappointing," he said. "I didn't kill a thing. I'd have been better off staying here in the hospital."

A man goes into a doctor's office and says:

- Doctor! Doctor! I have five penises!

The doctor says:

- Good lord! How do your pants fit?

The man replies:

- Like a glove.

Two very successful psychoanalysts occupied offices in the same building. One was 40 years old, the other over 70. They rode on the elevator together at the end of an unbearable hot, sticky day. The younger man was completely done in, and he noted with some resentment that his senior was fresh as a daisy.

- I don't understand - he marveled - how you can listen to drooling patients from morning till night on a day like this and still look so spry and unbothered when it's over.

The older analyst said simply:

- Who listens?

- Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!

- Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?

- Patient: What problem?

- Psychiatrist: What is wrong with your brother?

- Sister: He thinks he's a chicken.

- Psychiatrist: How long has he been acting like a chicken?

- Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

A woman gives birth by a Caesarian and passes out. When she comes to her senses, the doctor approaches her bed and says:

- I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems.

- What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless.

- Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs.

- Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless.

- And it hasn't got any arms either.

- What?

- Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. In fact, your child is only a very, very big ear.

The woman is in anguish, but she still tells the doctor to bring her her son.

A certain old gentleman thought his eyesight was going bad, and he was advised to go to see an eye doctor. He goes in to see the doctor, and the doctor said:

- All right, let's check you out. You sit down here on this stool. You put your right hand over your right eye and read that chart on the wall over there.

He puts his left hand over his left eye. The doctor says:

- No, no, no. Put your right hand over your right eye.

This old person puts both hands over both eyes. The doctor is now getting upset. The patient continues to screw up, and the doctor really gets mad and says:

- All right, I'll fix you! He gets a paper bag out of the closet, puts one hole in it, puts it over his head, and says:

Benefits of having Alzheimer's:

- You can wrap your own presents.

- You are always meeting new friends.

One of Sigmund Freud's early patients rushed out into an Austrian afternoon on her way to meet her best friend at a coffee house. Over Cappuccino and Viennese pastries, she suddenly burst out crying.

Her friend begged her to share what was wrong:

- Oh, it's just terrible - she wailed. Today the doctor told me I'm in love with my father, and. . .and. . .and you know, he's a married man!

The Doctor tells his patient that he has H-E-G-S

- What's that?, the patient asks.

- It's a combination of Herpes, Encephalitis, Gonorrhea and Syphyllis.

The patient wants to know if there's a cure, to which the Doctor responds:

- We have to keep you in a hospital room and feed you nothing but pancackes.

- Why only pancackes?, asks the patient.

- They're the only thing that will fit under the door, the Doctor answers.

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to the mental patient and said:

- I don't hear anything.

The mental patient said:

- Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!

A midget walks into the doctors and says:

- Doc, I've got these fucking itchy balls and I can't do anything to stop 'em itching.

The Doc says:

- I can see the problem and I'll fix it for ya. So the Doc pulls out a pair of scissors and tells the Midget to close his eyes. The midget hears snip, snip snip noises for about 5 minutes.

The doc finishes and says:

- How's that?

The midget says:

- Fucking brilliant, what did you do?

The Doc says:

- I trimmed back your high boots

A woman came to the psychiatrist worried.

- Doctor, - she said - I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?

- Easy, - said the doctor - Just take the carpet off the floor.