Latest

What's the white stuff you find in the bottom of girls' undies?
→ Clitty litter.

RELATIONSHIPS: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots".

Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken phone call, and 99% of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need.

Crazy Sally went to her gynecologist when she got her vibrator stuck inside of her.

"To remove that vibrator," said the doctor, "I'm going to have to perform a very long and delicate operation."

"I don't think I can afford that," said Sally. "Could you just replace the batteries?"

"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk.

"Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?"

"If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."

Jessica was toweling off in front of the mirror when she noticed a few gray pubic hairs. She bent down and said to her privates... "I know you haven't been getting much lately...but I didn't know you were so worried about it!"

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
→ You can unscrew a light bulb!

"Doctor, doctor!" shouted the woman coming into the doctors office. "I think I'm turning into a man."

Then the doctor says, "Now hold on little lady, what makes you think that you're turning into a man?"

"Well," said the woman, "I'm starting to grow hair on my chest."

And then the doctor asked, "Well then, how far down your chest is your hair growing?"

And then she replied, "All the way down to my dick."

Why do women have legs?
→ Have you ever seen the mess that slugs leave behind!??

Why do female parachutists wear tampons?
→ So they don't whistle on the way down...

How to Satisfy a Woman Every Time
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil…

The media have grotesquely skewed the public image of women who choose to own firearms. Unfortunately, such exposure can affect one's self-image. This test is offered in the hopes of putting these false images into a more proper perspective.

Please circle your answers to each below:

1. What is the real meaning of that pink T-shirt with a revolver on it that says: "The ultimate in feminine protection" ?

1. Obviously a plot by seditious gun fanatics from the NRA.
2. I'm amazed the pigs have no law banning women's T-Shirts.
3. A 9mm for "light days" and a .44 Magnum for "heavy days".

2. For rape and assault prevention, a whistle is:

1. All you'll ever need.

How do you know when a woman's about to say something smart?
→ When she starts her sentence with, "A man once told me... "

Men and women are not alike. Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conculsive proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:

RELATIONSHIPS: First, a man does not call a relationshipo a relationship - he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis." When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she will get on with her life. A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup - at 3 am early on a Sunday morning - he will call and say "I just wanted you to…

Have you ever wanted to talk about a girl but was afraid that you would offend the person standing near you?...

NOT. Well, if you are, then here are some alternatives to some popular phrases.

I found them on a poster, but I don't remember which one.

She is not: An airhead
She is: Reality Impaired

She is not: A Bleached Blonde
She is: Peroxide Dependant

She is not: A babe or chick
She is: A Breasted American

She does not have: Major league hooters

- Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what I just said.

- When did you first notice this problem?

- What problem?

This male prostitute contracted leprosy.

He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.

A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name:

- Fred - he replies.

- Fred what? - the officer asks.

- Just Fred - the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it:

- Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?

The man replies:

- It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all…

- How did it happen? - the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.

- Well, doc, 25 years ago...

- Never mind the past! Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.

- Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said:

- No, everything is fine.

- Are you sure - she asked.

- I'm sure - I said.

- Isn't there anything I can do for you??? - she wanted to know.

- I reckon not - I replied.

Old Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.

- It's terrible - she said.

- I haven't moved my bowels in a week.

- I see. Have you done anything about it? - asked the doctor.

- Naturally - she replied.

- I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night.

- No - the doctor said.

- I mean do you take anything?

- Naturally - she answered.

- I take a book.

This male prostitute contracted syphilis.

He did okay for a while, but then his business dropped off.

An extremely drunk man looking for a whorehouse stumbles into a Podiatrist's office instead and weaves over to the receptionist.

Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says:

- Stick it through that curtain.

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pulls out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtains.

- That's not a foot! - screams the nurse on duty.

- Holy shit, lady! - the drunk exclaims.

- I never knew you had a minimum!

What do you do if someone's having a seizure in a bathtub?
→ Throw in a load of laundry.

What should you give a man who has everything?
→ Penicillin

A certain college professor was notorious for getting off the topic of the lecture, and on to his favorite subject: the evils of marijuana.

Off he went one day into his inventory of horrors, he explained:

- Used regularly, pot can cause psychic disorientation, sterility, cancer and castration!

- Now wait a minute, professor - interrupted a student.

- Castration? That's absurd!

- Yes young man, it's sadly true - replied the professor smugly.

- Just suppose your girlfriend gets the munchies!

A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to endorse a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to 'write' with it.

Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said:

- Well that's great, just great... some asshole's got my pen.